A Spears Christmas Wish

I think the best news I received in the past week wasn't that I had gotten a new job that allows me to make an ass out of myself in official online videos and TV but that Britney Spears' mom was set to release a guide to good parenting book on Mother's Day in 2008. Then the news came that Britney's younger sister, Jamie-Lynn, was pregnant...at age 16. How effing appropriate is that? You can probably guess that the book has been tabled.

There are many things to be thankful for this year and I'd say personally that not being the spawn of anyone with the last name Spears is probably my number one. Really, could you be any more grateful for anything than that fact? That family isn't a trainwreck. No, because when there's a trainwreck people tend to forget about it soon thereafter. This is far worse. This is like if you let Stevie Wonder fly Air Force One through a thunderstorm over the Rockies and the only vile of the cure for cancer on the planet was onboard. It's a freakin' mess.

Let's look at a very simplistic timeline of the Spears girls from the past 10 years. Britney gets famous with slutty school girl song. Britney gets more famous with more slutty pop music - gives 30 million guys erections for the next three years. Jamie-Lynn is still really young. Britney gets the urge to have kids at 23 and hastily picks an idiot to marry and thusly procreate with. Jamie-Lynn scores a roll on some crappy pre-teen show. Britney divorces K-Fed after having two kids and proceeds to give Courtney Love a run for her money for the coveted "Dirtiest Whore On The Planet" award. Britney shaves her head and goes nuts. Britney cuts comeback disc that isn't half bad but continues to act like an idiot. Jamie-Lynn, now a "teen TV sensation" gets knocked up by her 18-year-old boyfriend at age 16.

Whew. That was a lot even for a scaled down version. I think really the only logical next step for Britney is to do softcore pornography. Right? Get back in shape. Do a couple full frontals with the Barbara Walters lense on the camera and let's just get this over with already.

I said this year that I didn't really want much for Christmas. I think I made mention of some DVDs and maybe some clothes on my list but after much deliberation and contemplation I think I've already gotten my wish. I got it long ago when I wasn't born to Lynn Spears. That family was the worst thing to happen to Louisiana until Katrina hit. Hell, it may still rival it. (This is where I really wish one of my New Orleans native friends would cut in with, "Yea, they're worse than Katrina" to confirm my point.)

So this Christmas when you're hanging out with family and exchanging gifts and drinking yourself stupid, remember this: you're not part of the Spears family. Life is good. Have a merry one, everbody.