Welcome to Media Purgatory!

Ok, so I was going to wait to tell you all this but I figured now is a better time than any to lay it all on the table. Someone in charge of putting people in front of a camera finally decided that it'd be a good idea to make me the person in front of said camera. I know, I can't believe it either. No, I'm not kidding you. I have no reason to kid. It's not National Kidder's Day aka April Fools' Day. And I really don't have the energy or care enough to try and concoct some ridiculous hoax involving me being paid to make an ass out of myself in front of a camera for the entire country to see.

No, I really will be hosting an almost daily segment for College Sports Television. I should revise that actually - my good friend Brody will be co-hosting with me. In fact, it was his moxy that got us the gig in the first place. You think my lazy ass would have found out about such an opportunity? Anyway, Brody and myself are set to become the next great roadtripper team for CSTV. What the hell is that? I'm glad you asked.

Basically, we are going to be making short comedy pieces about and in a different college towns almost every single day between January 5th and the National Championship at the Final Four in San Antonio on April 7th. Well clearly it's past January 5th and I'm still not on the road. Why is this you ask? Jesus, you ask a lot of questions! Well, it's because the sales team at CSTV hasn't quite yet nailed down a sponsor for our trip. They say it's their number one priority and that they're doing everything they can to get this trip going. They say this. I believe them*. Don't worry about that asterisk. For reasons I can't get into I cannot explain the entire situation or what my take on it is. Basically, they haven't started paying me yet so I don't feel like saying anything that will compromise that. You understand.

It's all about the almighty dollar. CBS, the parent company for CSTV, will not allow our trip to start unless it's being paid for buy Chick Fil-A or Timberland or Mastercard or some corporate sponsor. So until then I am forced to sit on my ass and watch television. You might say this seems like a dream vacation. I assure you it is not. I could not be more bored. Not only this but I can't even be bored in my own home in Los Angeles. I subleased my place out. So I'm forced to enjoy the rent-free surroundings of my parents' home on the east coast. Brody? He's doing the exact same thing.

It's media purgatory people and it's freakin' obnoxious. It's good to know that at the very least our producers empathize with us and want the sales team to secure some money pronto. But when you hear through the grapevine that there was a sponsor ready to sign on months ago and said sales team sat on their hands, it tends to get you a little annoyed. But I digress.

So what can I do while I await my soon-to-be employers and purveyors of the CPunch brand of ridiculousness...on television, mind you? Well, I went out and bought myself the last two seasons of South Park on DVD. I'm halfway through the second one already and it's only been two days since I bought them.

I've also inquired about temporary work for a few production companies in New York but to no avail. No one needs anyone and the writers' strike isn't helping matters. Not only that, but the cost of taking the train into Manhattan would almost certainly offset the money I made temping. I've thought of driving a delivery truck for the local dry cleaners. I thought to myself, "Hey, it could be fun if they give me a cool little hat!" But alas, I've received no call from them yet either.

I have a bit of time until February 1st. That's the day CSTV says they're now aiming to start our trip. Of course, that's provided the sales team actually comes through this week with a sponsor. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath. And let's just say that if this trip gets delayed any further I'm going to be very, very pissed off. If I hadn't subleased my place out I could go back to what I was doing before but I cannot. I'm stuck in media purgatory.

Media Purgatory. I think I'm going to coin that phrase right now (patent pending!). This is pretty much what guild writers are dealing with right now. They have a job but they're not allowed to work it. Why? Because of monetary issues. I suppose I should go stand on the picket lines myself. But then again it's cold and it would cost money to go into New York. Media Purgatory. Then again it's better than Media Hell. Just ask Louis Anderson, Carrot Top, and Kathy Griffin. At this point it's like picking the lesser of two evils.

I'll end with an exchange from a Simpsons episode where the Simpsons go to New York and Homer interacts with a street vendor. In this metaphor, one soft drink is Media Purgatory and the other is Media Hell. See if you can tell which.

Homer: Ugh, what do you have to get that taste out of my mouth?
Vendor: We have Mountain Dew and Crabjuice.
Homer: Yiiickkk. Ugh! I'll have the Crabjuice.

I'm drinking Crabjuice, people. Motherf**king crabjuice.