oscar wrap up

Tis the season to be jolly, fa lala la la lala la Oscaaarrrs. Ok, maybe that doesn't have the same ring. But nevertheless Oscar fever gripped Hollywood Sunday night as did the subsequent traffic jams. I'd say the extra 20 minutes to drive home from work through Hollywood and Highland was a blast but then I'd be throwing a heaving pile of cow dung in your general direction and my guess you wouldn't be too into that. You're not into that, right?

After I got over the traffic woes I gladly embraced the Academy Awards and all the ridiculous pre-show crapola. Ok, no I didn't. In fact, I don't understand why everyone gushes over the five different pre-show shows. Who's wearing what (pardon me, who) and all those wannabe reporters asking the same stupid questions they always do: "How do you feel right now?", "What's it like coming to the Oscars?", "Who on this carpet right now do you most want to impregnate?" Ok, maybe I made that last one up. But you know what I'm talking about.

There's one guy that was on the E! pre-show show (I don't know what they called it) that was more insufferable than any other red carpet reporter...and that includes Joan Rivers and Ryan Seacrest. I'm sorry, I have no idea what his name is and I literally spent an hour looking for it online to no avail. I do know three things though: he's fat, he's black, and he wore a purple tuxedo. Oh, and I think he might have been gay but that had nothing to do with the fact that he sounded like an autistic robot that had the interviewing skills of a magic eight ball. This guy makes the rest of the poor souls with autism look like Stone Phillips doing a double back handspring.

He called Will Smith, Jada Pinkett and their son Jayden (I refuse to list his 27 names) the first family of Hollywood. Come on now, we all know there's never been a black president. Although in his defense, I do like the allusion to a White House full of Barack Obama scent. The man has a might African-American musk. Just what this country needs.

Before we move any farther, I have to mention one fashion note. I hate to do this and it really was the only fashion fopaux I noticed because really, I never pay attention to this crap...uh, because no one should care. However, and I do apologize to her mammary glands in advance because I'll always love them, but Anne Hathaway's dress was hideous. Did you see this? Let me know if a giant on-top-of-the-Christmas-tree-bow is ever in style. I'll be sure to kill myself. Pressing forward.

Last year, one of my favorite television personalities of all time hosted - Jon Stewart. He did a great job despite mixed reviews from "professional critics" but this year the job was handed over to, and I'm proud and legally allowed to say this, my coworker, Ellen DeGeneres.

Ellen, to me, is like a toned down female version of Conan O'Brien. She peppered oddball jokes left and right and was even able to make a, yet predictable, joke about Al Gore being America's choice before that somehow I didn't see coming. She took the time to hand Martin Scorcese a screenplay that she "just happened to have lying around" when she went into the audience to talk to the legendary director. After that she went over to Clint Eastwood and asked for a picture but ultimately decided it'd look better if Stephen Speilberg took it. After asking him to take it again because she didn't like the first one (balls!), Eastwood asked why he didn't get a script from Ellen.

Later in the show she started vacuuming coming out of a commercial break and nearly ran over Penelope Cruz's obscenely long train. Vacuuming!? Definitely a Conan thing to do and she does it well. So kudos to Ellen, fabulous job.

Now on to what really matters. How I did picking the winners! Well, I did pretty well. Not as well as I'd hoped but well nonetheless. I haven't asked anyone else how they did so I'm going to assume I'm the best Oscar picker by default. Man, what a sweet word.

De-fault! (clap clap) De-fault! (clap clap)

I ended up 12 for 24 however I was six for nine in the main categories, those being (deep breath) Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Editing, Best Cinematography, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Documentary, and Best Director. I finished my round with four wins in a row (Actress, Actor, Director, Picture). Not that they were hard picks but hey, I still got them right. Some of you were probably all smug thinking, "hey, I'm gonna go for Little Miss Sunshine because it was the only happy film and the Academy wants something uplifting." Wrong! The Departed owned. And to all the people that thought Peter O'Toole would pull it out, please. You expect the Academy to vote for a 74-year-old man playing a pedophile you've got to be out of your f**kin' mind.

There was one happy surprise though. Dreamgirls barely got anything. Jennifer Hudson won for Best Supporting Actress (that one was decided about six weeks ago at the Golden Globes) and Dreamgirls won for Best Sound Mixing. Oooooooo, sound mixing! Excuse me while I beat off in the corner.

Dreamgirls also lost in the category he had all but sealed coming into the night - Best Original Song. Of the five nominees, it owned three of them! And all three lost...to a lesbian singing about global warming! So three black women lost to one white lesbian woman. Man, that shit is racialist! Man, three minority credits (times three entries!) vs. two? Dreamgirls had that one wrapped up. Just goes to show you the power of Al Gore and sweet muff-on-muff action. Go get 'em Melissa! Break down those barriers!

The saddest moment all night, however, was when the Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay was given out. The honor went to The Departed and though it did deserve the honor, the Academy, in my mind, would have restored its collective cojones, if you will, if it had chosen Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Alas it did not and so we cannot call the film an Oscar Winner. However, we can say it was an Oscar nominee and a Golden Globe winner. Take that Notes On a Scandal! That Judi Dench...always so smug, what with her good acting and such.

Overall, I'd say I was pretty pleased with the evening. My picks were pretty spot on and the ones I missed were the ones I didn't care about (what are you gonna do about it Best Live Action Short - West Bank Story!?). Actually, that looked good; I want to see that.

Anyway, Marty Scorcese finally won (it's about friggin' time) and The Departed took a huge booze 'n blood filled dump on the competition despite Jack Nicholson's ridiculous new anti-hair do. Sorry about the imagery. I was just trying to think of what the movie was all about and then incorporate that into the film severely beating the competition. It came out a little grosser than I expected. Either way, gooooo The Departed and Marty Scorcese. Oh, and just for good measure, go me as well.