Read The Fine Print Before You Use Your Brain

Idiots. They're everywhere. And this week featured two more high profile cases of such stupidity. Not only are they high profile idiots but they're both parents of preteens prominently involved in these cases. Now, I could have written a long diatribe about how the news networks are shoving this Anna Nicole Smith stuff down our throats (wait till the Over/Under) but I won't...at least right now. And besides, it's still too soon to be making the "like mother, like son" drug overdose jokes. Well, maybe not.

Anyway, back to the jackoffs that made the news this week. Our first ejemplo (that's "example" for you Spanish-retarded) is that of a father gone wild. We all know or had those fathers that made complete idiots out of themselves and embarrassed the entire family by being way too into their children's sports. Mom would berate the officials for not calling fouls on their son or daughter in a basketball game. They're worried they might get hurt! And well, moms will be moms. They're a rarity when it comes to this stuff. But dads. Man, oh man. Some dads are a wee bit past psycho when supporting their children.

(I recall a bit with Will Ferrell on Saturday Night Live where he would be having a conversation with another parent during his son's little league game and every time his son would step off first base he would yell, "Get back on the damn base! God!" It was pretty great. After 20 minutes of Youtube searching I came up empty but if it helps it was a subsidiary episode of the "Get off the damn shed!" sketch.)

They get really into winning and have the coaches' numbers on speed dial so they can both tell them new plays to run that they came up "in their spare time" and insist that their kid isn't getting enough playing time even if he or she's a starter. They're the ones that get kicked out of Little League games. They're the ones that insist on being an assistant coach when the team already has enough. They're the ones that teach their kids to throw curve balls when they're 10-years-old ruining their still-developing arms (can you spell Tommy John surgery by 17!?).

In this instance a father went too far. Aurora, Illinois's Ray Hoffman attacked his son's opponent in a wrestling match. His son was wrestling another 11-year-old when the referee was about to stop the match because the opponent was using an illegal pinning technique. Right after the referee blew the whistle to disqualify the opponent Mr. Hoffman took it upon himself to barge onto the mat and throw his son's opponent clear across the mat and storm toward the opponent's father who just happened to be video taping the whole thing. Can I get a slow clap please? You can view that lovely footage right here.

We go from an overzealous father to an overzealous 13-year-old girl. With her name not released due to her age, we'll call her Sandy. Sandy Vagina...what? It's Dutch.

So Sandy's parents are now in a legal battle with MySpace. What else is new? The Vaginas are seeking damages because they feel MySpace doesn't do enough to keep children safe from online predators. Same old song and dance, right? Why's this in the "stupid people" article? Well, the Vaginas don't seem to care that their 13-year-old daughter was dumb enough to forge her age when registering with the social community website (MySpace says you need to be 14 and at that age only your confirmed friends can view your profile). Sandy said she was 18. She then befriended a 19-year-old guy and eventually, as 87% of MySpace-originating relationships end, had sexual discussions with him.

Somehow in all of this she reported the 19-year-old as sexually harassing her. Whether it was consensual and the parents just freaked or if he really did harass her is for you to ponder. Either way the Vaginas want "straight cash homie" from MySpace. They took it to court...and were soundly defeated. Owned, Vaginas! (I've always wanted to see that in print.)

The judge ruled in favor of MySpace because "as an 'interactive service,' MySpace was protected from materials posted on its site by the Communications Decency Act (CDA) of 1996." Suck on that, family Vagina! (Same parenthetical comment as last time.)

The lessons here are well-taught and easily learned: 1) calm down - it's just amateur youth sports and 2) teach your kid forging legal information and then trying to accuse someone else of sexually assaulting you is ridiculously stupid. I could say "if you fake the age you deserve the sexual assault"...but I won't. Will I? Ugh, stupid political correctness. Ok, fine I won't say it. But please, think about what you're doing before you try to fix your problem. The brain is a powerful tool. Charge the batteries with some knowledge. (Oh, and I'm copyrighting those last two sentences. Steal them and I'll take you to court!)