The Over/Under: February 2007

I'd like to point out before we move on that I made the mistake of being distracted when I wrote Tuesday's Oscar column because I completely messed up the Best Song category. I said I couldn't understand how a Dreamgirls song didn't win and that Melissa Etheridge's song from An Inconvenient Truth did. I failed to remember that Dreamgirls would suffer from the Ralph Nader syndrome of having all their votes split amongst them leaving a lesser nominee with the win a la Dubya in 2000. Whoops, sorry.

Underrated

Americone Dream - This should be obvious. I mean, hell. If you take one look at my MySpace page you'll know one of my heroes is Stephen Colbert. The man brings the truth...or something like it. If you took what Bill O'Reilly and all the other ridicu-f**ks at Fox News and other stations say on a regular basis and then mock it, that'd be the truth. And now that glorious sense of mockery and punditry, or "punkery" (patten pending), is in a delicious ice cream flavor. The fine folks at Ben & Jerry's, namely Ben (I hear Jerry's a prick), came up with a delightful new flavor which consists of vanilla ice cream (for the Caucasian in Stephen), fudge (since he has a black friend...or used to), and pieces of sugar cone (presumably the sweet, sweet invisible exoskeleton of Stephen). All I know is I'm gettin' me a pint!

The Academy - Bravo, Academy. Of course I'm referring to the the Academy that dishes out the Oscars. If you read the previous article, and you better have you son of a bitch, you know how well the Academy did this year picking the winners. And by "did so well" I mean they picked the films I felt were deserving. Because seriously, is there another opinion as worthy of the Academy to listen to? With Marty, The Departed, Forest, and An Inconvenient Truth all winning, the world was set right. Hell, let's even throw Helen Mirren in there even though she was a mortal lock. After last year's catastrof**k with Crash winning and everyone sucking off Sideways (I refuse to admit that was legitimately entertaining even without having seen it), the Academy finally remedied their mistakes and picked solid flicks this year. Way to sack up, guys. You're still on my shit list for snubbing Sacha Baron Cohen though. You should have at least nominated him over Ryan Gosling. Come on!!!

SoCal - It seems that this is one of the few places not experiencing God's (and I use that term extremely liberally) galactic wrath. I keep hearing about biting cold in the northeast, blizzards in the northern plains and Colorado, and tornadoes in the south and Florida. It's been somewhat chilly here. In fact, I've been genuinely cold at times. And by "I've been cold" I mean it's been like 50 something degrees and I've been a major hatchetwound. It's always sunny here, doesn't rain for months at a time (although April is the rain month), and it rarely gets below 65-70 during the day even in the winter. Of course, with my karma, there's going to be a 8.5 earthquake any day now. Hell, this area is so overdue for one it's ridiculous. Northridge in 1994 is the last. But until I'm huddled in my doorframe for 30 seconds I'll take this place over any in the country. Even Miami, which I love. Ok, maybe I'd live there too.

Overrated

Britney Spears - I suppose this is an obvious choice. And I also suppose I could have put her in the other half of this column. She's a never ending punchline of awesomeness. But on the other hand, and the reason why she's here and not up there, is that deep down inside, at least for this heterosexual boy, I love her. Not, like, actually...but like, only when she's lying down. Ya know, pre-Fed and babies...when she was still hot. And before the leukemia 'do and in between the Vegas trips with Paris and right after she dumped K-Fed there was a brief moment where she was getting hot again and about to hit up the 305 with Scott Storch and make her return. She would have a hot single, a hotter video, and another legion of adolescent boys (and myself, no we're not the same) dying to give her Hepatitis C. Um...I don't have Hepatitis C. Seriously. I'm just saying, there was hope. Now, man, I don't know if we'll ever know that joy again. Put your praying gloves on, people.

Anna Nicole Coverage - Really, news stations? Really?! Iraq? Iran? Darfur!? No? None of these are more important than around the clock coverage of someone that never did anything more important than star as Tanya Peters in Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult. I'm just shaking my head. I shouldn't even have to say anything about this because it's so ridiculous. Enough with all this nonsense. Bury her next to Marilyn Monroe like she wanted and give the baby to Larry Birkhead because it's obviously his. Case friggin' closed. Let's all move on. Oh, and I wouldn't put it past Howard K. Stern to have murdered her. Definitely possible. All of his money came from her and his mother. The guy is a Grade A douche. Ok, I'm done.

Playing Porn Loudly - I debated on this one for a while. I'll explain. Recently a man in Wisconsin attempted to stop a man from raping a woman. Only problem was, no one was being raped. He mistook cries of pleasure for cries of pain. When he heard the screams in the apartment above him he bolted upstairs to stop the atrocity...but not before he grabbed his trusty cavalry sword. He busted the guy's door down and demanded to know where the girl was keeping the sword aimed at the pornviewer's jugular the whole time. Minutes later James Van Iveren realized he crashed an orgy for one and not sexual assault. He feels kind of dumb about the mix up. Now I say I debated this for a while because I thought about making "trying to stop rape" and going on about minding your own damn business the subject. Then I decided I'd probably enjoy the view from outside hell a little better even if that was the funnier route. As Aerosmith once said, "I'm livin' on the edge!"