Most people in this world will do almost anything to get what they want...within reason of course. We will exhaust all efforts to attain what we aspire to have or be. Some aspirations are big and some are little but determined people usually get what they want. If this sounds like it has negative overtones to it it's because so many times the people that want something really bad often yearn for something in the "wrong" or "illegal" end of the spectrum. It's a shame that striving for something you want has to have a negative tinge to it. There are plenty of examples to the contrary like Tonya Harding, the Northern Colorado backup punter, or Hitler. Wait...no, those were supporting arguments. I really shouldn't have left early the first day of Social Logic class.

No, there are plenty of examples of people wanting things badly enough that they do whatever it takes to succeed and do so legally for positive gain. Take Barry Bonds for instance. Shit. Um, George W. Bush's entire administration? No. Oh, I know; Enron executives. Ok, well I'm sure there's actual positive stories out there about people doing everything they can to achieve their goals. Hell, millions of Mexicans win half the battle every year.

Despite me not being able to think of any positive examples, I do have to write about something. So why not another negative example? But one that's slightly funnier. It's ok if you laugh at this; you won't go to hell. You have my word. I've already talked to God and he realizes you're just appeasing me.

Remember when you played T-ball? Pretty much everyone played T-ball when they were young. It's what introduces you to sports. T-ball and beginners soccer seem to be the two main sports that get kids into athletics. Everyone plays them...even the very fat and/or mentally challenged. Segue to this story...

29 year-old T-ball coach, Mark R. Downs Jr., was convicted last week of what most people would call an "act of retardation." Well, they would if the crime he committed didn't involve a retard. Pardon me, mentally challenged young boy. Damn PC police will getcha every time.

Downs offered one of his players (remember, these kids are like seven) $25 to bean one of his teammates who just happened to be autistic. I guess Downs really, really wanted to win. Lord knows the autistic kid is gonna strike out every time. That's just an automatic out and you're not making the T-ball championship playing with that handicap (pun intended). Hell, autistic kids can barely walk and talk let alone play sports (just ask former Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly) so it was a miracle, and probably a dream, for this kid to be playing T-ball.

The bribed player thusly pegged the autistic boy in the groin and then whipped a 4-seam fastball right into the boy's ear. (Don't laugh, that's not the funny part...you dick.)

Downs was convicted of asking his player to injure the autistic boy but was not convicted of the more serious crimes of criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault and reckless endangerment.

After the autistic boy's father testified Downs admitted to the deed after the game, Downs called the autistic boy's father a liar to which the father retorted, "No, you're a liar!" It's good to see we can all be mature about this.

Downs could face up to five years in prison for indirect assault but will probably end up getting a year of probation since he has no criminal record.

So what's the moral of this story? I'm not really sure. I thought it'd be funny to tell a story about a T-ball coach being so ridiculously stupid, immature, negligent, and downright despicable that he'd bribe a seven year-old to bean an autistic teammate with a baseball. It's not like the kid was even on the other team. He was on the same team! If you're going to cheat to win you might as well take out the opposing team's best player. And I wonder what made Mr. Downs think of the number $25? He could have easily offered the kid five dollars. Kids that young don't understand the value of money. Five bucks is a big deal to them. Not only is Downs an awful human being, he's also tragically bad at money management. Know your market, Downs. Gawd!