Five years ago today America felt the wrath of terror. It was, and still isn't, a laughing matter (I'm not counting Bush incompetence jokes...that's far too broad a subject). As we find ways to remember the fallen we must also find ways to stare fear in the face overcome it. What's my favorite way of doing that? By laughing at the idiocy of others, of course!

Now the world may not be that much safer today than it was five years ago (contrary to what the the executive branch may want you to think) but not all safety threats revolve around tampered water or airline hijackings. Sometimes the threats are disguised within the pleasures of sexual encounters...or as I like to call them "los tiempos muy muy felices."

Here's some safety breaches I've uncovered that should help keep everyone worldwide on their toes when they're primed to get horizontal...unless you're in the shower in which case you'd have to have a very large shower to lie down. I'm just saying.

Greenpeace, best known as the organization of professional hippies, called on the European Union to ban certain chemicals used in adult sex toys. Apparently these "phthalates" soften the plastic (Where's the "hard" joke, huh? Bah) despite possibly "disrupting the human hormonal system, diminishes fertility and adversely affects the kidneys and liver."

Listen, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure you need your kidneys and liver. I hear both are very valuable when consuming alcohol and I just can't see myself living in a world without booze. I mean, isn't that how most of these sexual encounters are happening the first place? It's a vicious cycle and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and let Europe degrade the wellbeing of humanity because they can't use safer non-toxic alternatives to soften (snicker) the plastic in their dildos.

But not only is Europe making sex dangerous but now when look for professional sexual assistance you can no longer look to Craigslist. Craigslist is a godsend; it really is. You can buy and sell pretty much anything on there...including ass. Well, clever whores found ways to sell their services on Craigslist. Apparently 12 in Pennsylvania weren't clever enough though as they were arrested via sting operations. Craigslist insists they do everything they can to prohibit inappropriate and illegal solicitations on their site but my gut tells me they're in on the whole thing.

This Craig character and his list are the biggest pimp of them all and I'm sure they get a cut every time some flusie with no self esteem and student loans waxes nostalgic on some stranger's johnson. You might think I look down upon that. I do not. You know why? Because if Craig goes down then where am I supposed to find a barely used futon for $50 and Dodgers tickets, third row mezzanine for $30 all on the same site?! If you have a better suggestion I'd like to hear it. Whore on Craigslist, you have my full support.

Finally, we've all either engaged in, dreamt of, or watched a friend on a dare make whoopy while in a moving vehicle. I mean, come on. Who here hasn't seen The Chase? You're telling me fleeing the country in a red BMW 3 series with Kristy Swanson perched on your lap blinding you from everything on the road at 90mph doesn't arouse you? Liars. The man kidnapped her with a Butterfingers for crying out loud and then convinced her to hop on pop!

The point is, road humpage is grand idea. Unless you live in Slovakia, apparently. A man failed to observe a "give way" sign and crashed his car into a bus last week. That's not the funny part, you sicko. When rescuers came they found the man half naked with a vacuum pump on his penis. "It's very likely he had auto-sex while driving," the police said. Really? Come up with that all by yourself, officer?

People, if you're going to engage in "auto-sex" then you may want to make sure you don't crash into anything. Then you get made fun of by some jackoff in Los Angeles with a keyboard. Very unfortunate. "Auto-sex" is a very exhilarating experience, or so Charlie Sheen made it out to be, but please - be safe about it.

The thing that puzzles me the most though is what did he use to power the vacuum? Did he go to the Slovakian equivalent of Radio Shack and get one of those AC/DC adapters and lug his Hoover into the passenger seat or did he use one of those dustbusters with some sort of hose attachment. Because, let's be serious here, dustbusters don't have a lot of suction to them so I hardly see how he could have possibly pleasured himself.

I've overthought this haven't I?