There are many turning points in the history of pop culture but sometimes one just sticks out like a sore thumb. Sometimes for good reason and sometimes not so. Last Tuesday, an album was released by Paris Hilton. Yes, a music album. Anyone with half a brain cell knew what to expect - terrifically terrible music overproduced in an attempt to shove the Hilton heiress further down our gullets...for really no discernible reason. Any fan of Paris, and there are plenty, was sure to pick up the album, if for no other reason than to masturbate to the pictures in the CD jacket and/or the sound of her digitally auto-tuned voice.

Now I'm not really a Paris hater nor am I a fan. I'm really indifferent to the girl. I've personally seen her out in Los Angeles and thought nothing of it (while a certain friend probably filled his pants). I do, however, know how ridiculously shallow and transparent her entire being is regardless of whether she realizes it or not. The odds of her attempts at music and film to be an elaborate (ok, maybe not elaborate) plan to exploit her own realized skill at nothing but looking good and being dumb are fairly decent. It's hard to tell if she's truly trying to be a film and music star or if she actually realizes her "dumb, hot, spoiled rich girl" persona is enough to sell a box of razorblades to a hemophiliac. Nobody can be too sure. Either way the album is selling.

The strangest thing to me, though, is that many music sites including the (usually) highly regarded allmusic.com are giving her album high marks. Like, really high marks. We're talking 4.5 out of 5 stars marks. That puts it on par with most records from the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Madonna, Elton John, etc. Um, exsqueeze me? Baking powder?

I, disregarding all rational thought and doctors' advice, have decided to force myself to listen to this album in full. I cannot believe that respected music pundits around the country are actually praising a musical project helmed by Paris Hilton. I will now furrow my brow, put on my headphones and dig into what may be the death of me. I have already placed an order for hearing aids as I'm sure my hearing will surely fail me after injecting my eardrums with such musical feces.

The following is a song by song review of Paris Hilton's album Paris. It is based off the very first (and probably last) listen to see if these critics are right and I'm just a prejudging asshole...or the only sane person with a musical ear. God save me.

Turn It Up - Repetitive, monotonous, annoying. Those three words come to mind after listening to this song. Starting off the record breath-speaking "that's hot" is always classy as well as clever lyrics like "turn it up, turn it up, turn it up, turn it up yea". The only redeeming quality is that Scott Storch produced it (whom she namedrops all over the song) so the beat is pretty cool for a club song. The problem is it doesn't go anywhere. Even Justin Timberlake's "Sexyback" is more ambitious and arranged than this...and that's saying something. 2.5/5

Fighting Over Me - Storch returns (he does half the album) with a weak beat for him. He's better than this. It sounds like a Jay-Z reject from 1995. Paris repeats the same four lines (presumably the chorus) for the entire song which includes turning the word "fight" into a two syllable word - "fi-ight". Jadakiss breaks up the repetition by dropping a couple verses on us but unfortunately he makes no sense and seems to deviate from the whole theme of the song, that being that boys fight over Paris constantly. 0/5

Stars Are Blind - It's scary to think this is far and away the best song of the album so far. The first single with the obscenely unoriginal (unoriginal but smart marketing wise) video acts like a real song compared to the first two tracks. There are actually some decent lyrics in this song despite the fact Paris probably had little to do with them. "Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride / But when I walk their talk is suicide." Those aren't that bad especially compared to the other rubbish on the disc. The faux reggae beat is catchy but very unwieldy, but it's at least a welcome break from the lame club beats preceding it. 3.5/5

I Want You - A straight forward club beat with a fake siren in the background. Dear...god. The vocal melody in the verse is terrible and predictable. The chorus vocal melody is half decent but that damn siren just won't leave me alone. The interlude is the best part of the song as far as the groove and non-doucheyness goes. But then bam, the damn siren comes back and so does the ridiculously cliched chorus lyrics, "I want you / and I think you should know / I want you / and I wont let you go." "Stars Are Blind" sounds really good right about now. 1/5

Jealousy - Oh dear god there are violins with phasers in the intro of this song! And then we rip into the "Nicole Richie is a jealous bitch" tirade but playing it off like she really does care (and feel sorry) about Nicole. The chorus is the crap on the cutting room floor of an Avril Lavigne session. Love those lyrics, "Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy / Is such an evil thing / To watch someone have / Jealousy, Jealousy, Jealousy / Nobody wins when your full of envy." I didn't make those up. On top of that gouda, cheddar, brie, and any other kind of cheese you can name, Paris has a spoken word interlude where she wishes they could become friends again someday. Man, girls are conniving, shady bitches. 1.5/5

Heartbeat - Well, this is easily the most boring song on the album. This song, I think, is about having sex or cuddling or both. It's a nice attempt at being poetic but it still comes out cheesy. Not as cheesy as the lame 1980's ripoff of a beat/melody. Someone tell Pretty In Pink their soundtrack was stolen. When Paris comes back with yet another spoken word interlude with, "My heart beats like a drum / when I hear you come" she nearly brings down the house on the unintentional comedy scale. That hilarity is the only redeeming factor of an otherwise terrible song. 2/5

Nothing In This World - Avril Lavigne plus Gwen Stefani equals this song as illustrated by the constant "da da da" lyric. I guarantee you this is the new theme song for Laguna Beach Season 3 within weeks. Remember when Mandy Moore was 15 churning out bubblegum pop? Yea, this is what she left off that album. This song probably has the best vocal melody lines on the album, however, so kudos to Paris for that much. Well, I suppose she should thank Ashlee Simpson since it's a direct theft. 2.5/5

Screwed - Ok, this is the same exact beat as "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson with nearly the same vocal melody. Since she's turned "Since U Been Gone" into a club song, the song actually keeps up good energy. Another decent vocal melody, maybe my favorite on the album, however the lyrics are still trite and immature. Admitting "you're screwed" over and over doesn't help your cause either. This song had potential to be an interesting fun tune but winds up being yanked back down thanks to stupid lyrics about a girl not getting a guy because he's into another girl (who's apparently from hell, according to Paris). I'm sure Paris has that problem all the time so you can see how true to form these lyrics are. 2.5/5

Not Leaving Without You - Gwen Stefani is probably rolling over in her grave. Wait, she's not dead? Ok, well this is complete ripoff of "What You Waiting For" with the lyrical pattern of Madonna. But you know what? This song is actually fun and has enough originality in it to make it the least annoying song on the album. And even though the chorus lyrics, "We can dance / we can dance / we can dance / we can dance tonight" are retarded, they actually seem to work. I could actually see myself dancing to this song in a club. Not surprisingly, Paris's voice works best on this song as well. She really channels Madonna on this tune and it's probably the best thing she could have done. The theme of the song is actually something that Paris evokes as well, seeing a guy and going for him and not taking "no" for an answer. This is probably the most honest song, lyrically, on the album and it's one that will probably bring out the inner sex-hound in the average girl on the dance floor - always a plus. 4/5

Turn You On - The most vain song on this album with another slow, groovy dance beat. The entire song is Paris admitting that anything she does in a club will turn on every guy in the room and not one of them is going to hook up with her (advising them to "take a cold shower when you get home"). Well, I disagree. I think half the guys in the club are turned on by the fact that they have a chance to dance with her and the other half are "so over her", as the kids say, and laugh at the guys that are drooling over her. I can't see this song being very dancable either. More crappy lyrics but this time she's really full of herself. Not interesting, Paris. 1.5/5

Do You Think I'm Sexy - Ok, Rod Stewart must be rolling over in his grave. Wait, he's not dead yet either? Jesus. This is the worst remake of a Rod Stewart song ever. To be fair, I've never heard another remake of a Rod Stewart song but this hurts my ears. Even the original is creepy coming from Rod but at least he could excuse himself with the androgynousness of the 70's and the fact that it's the original. But this, wow. You don't need to listen to any other cover of a Stewart song ever to know this is painful. Her voice just doesn't fit this 70's disco flavor although she sounds strangely like Rod in the first part of the chorus lines. This is just creepy and shouldn't be listened to by anyone...ever. 1/5

So there you go. As you can see, it's utter crap - 22 of 55 total points for a score of 40%. There's one and a half listenable songs. Now that's saying something because I had heard the single "Stars Are Blind" before and thought that song was awful. And now that I've listened to the whole album that song feels like the second strongest on the disc. Wow. Really puts the rest of the album in perspective. Most of the reviews that say this album is light and fun pop are giving it way too much credit. Yea, it's light. But that doesn't make it fun. If I can't stomach the lame beat or cheesy lyrics, how am I going to have any fun? 90% of this album should be torched and never listened to again or we should blast it from the armored vehicles in Iraq looking to flush out insurgents. Screw death metal, this stuff will melt your face off. She should just release "Not Leaving Without You" and call it a day. Go back to making sex tapes and getting reamed by pretty-boy Eurotrash. Mama always said "do what you do best". So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go rub one out to the topless Tara Reid scene in Bodyshots. Cheers!

Final Album score: 2/5