Snakes On a Motherf**kin' Plane!

Today is National Snakes On a Plane Day. It's as simple as: "go see the movie, motherf**ker!"

I had a chance to see the highly anticipated B-movie last night and I've gotta say, I haven't been that entertained in the movie theater in a long time. Maybe since Harold and Kumar. The movie exceeded every expectation I had for it...and I had some lofty expectations.

Let's see what we have here. A bunch of poisonous snakes...on a plane...triggered by pheromone soaked leis...to go apeshit at 35,000 ft...and only Samuel L. Jackson can save them? Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok, stop. If you've read that sentence and still aren't dying to see this movie then I ought to punch you in the jugular right now. Seriously.

Yea, this is a movie review column and I just reviewed the whole movie. That one sentence was it. Sure, I could go into details about how the Asian villain was hilariously bad at acting and had some of the best one-liners in the movie not to mention a hilarious obligatory (and unneccesary) martial arts scene or how a viper latches onto a girl's nipple as she's trying to join the mile high club in the bathroom within 10 minutes of being on the plane. But why? I can't spoil everything! Oh, and how about the co-pilot that ends up being the only pilot after 15 minutes of flying? You might recognize him. He dishes out some great one-liners on par with his trademark, "whammy!"

My roommate and cousin agreed this movie was made even better by the fact that the packed house theater was really into it. Everyone was screaming, yelling, laughing hysterically and overall making the movie almost interactive. Normally I can't stand it when people start hootin' and hollerin' in movies. I'm trying to listen to the dialogue, Ebert. But this movie is a different breed. Everyone knew what to expect and everyone's expectations were met and then some.

To be fair, I have two minor complaints. One is that the super hot flight attendant that digs on the FBI witness (hence why Sam Jackson's on the plane...and thusly the snakes) doesn't ever get naked. You totally think she would in this kind of movie. Doesn't happen. We get a nice chestal shot of a buxom babe in the mile high scene before she's pumped full of venom. But I really would have liked one more pair of yumyums for my $8.50 (yea, I bought a senior citizen ticket).

My second minor complaint would have to be that there was no megastar cameo. You'd think with a no-name cast supporting Jackson that they'd throw in someone really famous like James Woods or Tim Robbins to be a cop or a snake farmer or something. That would have made the movie complete for me.

Now I know a lot of people that just don't see the genius in this flick. Well, I'm gonna lay it out there for you and try to make you understand why so many people were foaming at the mouth for this. Samuel L. Jackson is always good. That's number one. But the idea of snakes infiltrating a plane and wreaking havoc seems super unrealistic to most people. Yea, well that's the idea. The buzz around this movie was that it was going to be a campy, so-good-it's-bad movie. And to an extent it was. But it wasn't so bad that it was really, truly bad. There was some bad acting, of course, and the plot was pretty predictable and simple. The genius of the movie was making it just so, that it would be suspenseful and intentionally unintentionally funny at the same time. This is also why Jackson is the coolest actor in Hollywood. He signed onto the movie after only hearing the title.

By the way, that whole "snakes on a plane is so unrealistic" thing? Yea, maybe not so much. I was watching CNBC today and saw one of their anchors interviewing an animal smuggler expert (they have those!?) on how legitimate it would be for terrorists to smuggle snakes or other dangerous animals onto a plane as a terrorist attack. She was serious. Apparently illegal animal smuggling into the United States is a $10 billion a year industry. Who'da thunk it? I'll leave you with the last thing the CNBC anchor said before they went to commercial break. This simultaneously confirms how stupid our news media is and how awesomely hilarious this movie is.

"Snakes on a Plane isn't just a movie anymore...it's reality!"

I think she forgot the "motherf**kin'!"