So you may have noticed that the US military killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi last week. You may not have noticed the news story about what was found at his former "safe house". The military found a leopard print nightgown and other assorted women's lingerie. Now, I'm no Zarqawi supporter but I'll give him this, at least the sumbitch knows how to go out in style.
Now I was watching an interesting program on NBC's Dateline last week called "To Catch a Online Predator." Now let me tell you, this high comedy at its highest. It don't get no better. I watched the whole hour long program thinking, "these guys are not only sick but they're really stupid as well." I feel that's probably the general reaction to a show like this. Maybe not the fact that I was laughing my ass off - maybe most other people would feel a little more sick to their stomachs and/or horrified. Me? I just laughed. Reveling in the idiocy of others is a great hobby of mine. It's kind of like building model cars or something. Except replace "building" with "laughing at" and "model cars" with "retards".
So the show's going along and they keep catching more and more pervs. One of the funniest moments was when they catch this 26 year-old and ask him what he does for a living. His response: "a sixth grade teacher" (!). That's fantastic. So you were talking dirty to and subsequently drive two hours, across state lines mind you, to have sex with the same aged girl you teach everyday of the week. That's just tremendous. Well done, sir. At this point in the show I was nearly falling off my seat with laughter. This dude just ruined his life because he can't not talk about putting a cucumber in a pre-teen girl. And the kicker is the dudes in prison always pick on the child molesters and underage predators first. Apparently, they're the sickos in there. When you have serial killers calling you the psycho, there's problems.
Now you'd think this was the highlight of the show for me. Oh no. As the show is drawing to a close they say how all the people that talk to these predators are police officers who have pre-teen female actors in the room for the webcam portion of the sting so the predators think they're talking to the girl but instead they're talking to a cop. The thing is though, the police rarely have enough people to operate enough computers to make the sting work so they hire random people to type to these freaks and deputize them for the day so that it's all nice and legal. Now this is where I come in.
This is my calling. To become a deputy for the police and type to online predators and get them to come to the sting house. How great would I be at this job? Here's an example of the stuff I'd say, keeping in mind I'm playing a 13 year-old girl...and I have to keep this fairly edited.
Me: so, omg, like i really think ur like totally cute
Pred: you're a sexy little thing yourself sweetie
Me: i'm wearing my spongejob jammies right now. it'd be neat if you could bite them off with your tongue
Pred: i'll do more than that cutie pie
Me: lol, i've never touched a penis before. what does yours look like? my dad's looks like my old fisher price karaoke microphone i used to play with. i can fit the whole thing in my mouth! it sounded soooo funny, lol
Pred: uh...well, mine's nice i guess, do you wanna see?
Me: only if you cum over here, ;) oh and bring some drugs too...i'm so mad at me parents right now. it would make them so mad if they knew i was doing this, lol that'll teach them for taking away my nick lachey cd.
On second thought, maybe I'd be a little obviously vulgar for this. I'd be far too inclined to f**k with the guy. They should just resort to plan B and hire the writers from TRL. Who better to talk like pre-pubescent girls than the people who bring you TRL. At least they'd be helping society instead of draining it. Ya hear that, MTV? Yea, that's right...pussies.
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