8 Simple Rules for Rockin Las Vegas

Friday night I will be embarking on a long overdue journey to Sin City. It will be a nice relaxing weekend in which I drink, gamble, leer, lust, sunbathe, debauche (yea, I created a verb), gamble, and drink. If you've never been to Vegas this is pretty much what it comes down to. If I had more time there I'd play some golf too. But what're you gonna do, eh? You can only fit so much awesomeness into one two and a half day trip.

Now there are many different ways to have fun in Vegas. I've decided to whittle it down to my top eight rules for having a good time in the city without law. I call it that because well, there aren't many. This includes one of my favorite non-laws, which just happens to be rule #1.

1. Always keep a drink in your hand. - There is no open container law in Las Vegas and with that no place will disallow you (minus one or two uptight gas stations or smarmy restaurants) to bring an outside beverage into their establishment. This includes any casino. Buy a couple of tallboy Labatt Blue's down at the corner store and walk around all night sippin' on them suckers til they're gone. By then you should have made it to a Hold 'Em or Vente Uno table and started receiving free drinks. You never have an excuse to not be drinking at any point in your visit. And if you don't drink then...uh...why are you in Las Vegas? That's like going to Outback and saying, "eh, I don't like meat. I'll just go with the vegetable medley."

2. Spend a couple hours at Harrah's piano bar. - This is a must. Right when you walk into Harrah's there are two dueling pianos set up with about 70 drunk people singing along to all your favorite classes as sung and played by these two pianists. You can request almost anything as well. This is also a great place to meet people as it's an easy way to start up a conversation. "Man, I really wanna hear Separate Ways by Journey." "oh my God, I love that song!" And boom, there's your in. Oh and by the way, remember rule #1 when entering this scene. About 50 ft down the strip is Casino Royale and they sell Michelob bottles for 99 cents. Hand the guy a 20 and ask for 17 beers. Bring them all back to your table at Harrah's and boom, done.

3. Eat at the Pink Taco as much as possible. - This restaurant is located inside the Hard Rock Casino and is, by all definitions, awesome. The waitresses are hot. The food is good. The price is right. It's really tasty Mexican food at damn fine prices (at least by Vegas standards) and the servers are all super cute and very friendly. Last time I was in Vegas I was there for five days and we ate there three times.

4. Bring nice clothes! - I can't stress this enough, people. Don't expect to get into any nice bars or clubs with khakis and your Keds on. Come prepared and pretend to be a fashionista for a night or two. You don't have to look gay or act like a poser but but look good and have some nice duds and dressy shoes (read: not sneakers) handy. Last time I checked, the Ghost Bar on the 52nd floor at The Palms didn't allow you in with your Chuck Taylors on...unless of course you're Johnny Knoxville or something. If you're Johnny Knoxville...thanks for reading my article, man. Gimme a shout and we'll rock out.

5. Know how much cash is in your checking account. - This is key. If you forget how much you have and continue to pull out money from the ATM's you get home and realize you've racked up $300 in overdraft charges. Just ask Wilson. That coupled with getting slammed at the Vente Uno tables will put a damper on the trip. That's when it's down to the MGM Grand for nickel video video poker! Don't let your trip come to this.

6. If you feel you have to hide your money in your shoe, leave. - Basically, if you're any place where you don't feel safe enough to have your cash in your pockets and hide it in your shoe, you'll probably want to leave. A certain friend of mine that may or may not be going with me this weekend was at a stripclub and at a point in the visit had befriended a of couple strippers. The plan was to go back to the hotel. Before the girls came back from the other room at the club my friend decided he should put his money in his shoe and then quickly reassessed the situation deeming this action as a sign he shouldn't go home with either of this trickturners. He was probably right.

7. Take advantage of as many $4.99 buffets as possible. - Almost every casino has some sort of buffet deal. However, not all of them have the super sweet deals going on at all times so you may have to search them out. I remember that Harrah's had a nice steak & eggs buffet style breakfast thing going on for $5.99 I think after 5am. We got there at 5:30 and ordered breakfast. It was good (keep in mind we were like 1.4 BAC), it was cheap, and it was funny. Funny because, well, you're eating a steak & eggs buffet breakfast for six bucks. That and my friend Rob was so tired he passed out face down in his hash browns spilling his chocolate milk all over the table. Brody and I split his plate of bacon. Mmm, mmm!

8. If you win money, put the original bet in your pocket. - This is key. If you're at the blackjack table or something and you start winning, be sure to put your original $100 or whatever you first cashed in with in your pocket and play with house money all night. Chips don't feel like money so you won't really feel like you're spending a lot. If you lose all your chips after you've pocketed the originals you're just at ground zero - not ground minus 100 bucks. You'll be tempted to reach inside and keep playing. Don't. Fight it. Try and forget they're in there. Leave the table, take a lap, and play some cheap video poker or something to tide you over for an hour. It'll make your trip last a lot longer.

Bonus rule!

A late rule came to mind, that being: take part in a negotiation with a stripper. The sheer hilarity is worth any embarrassment from passers-by. She wants $40 for a lapdance? F that. Tell her $20 is the standard and you won't pay a dime over that. If she gets testy remind her that she still has diapers and student loans to pay off. That oughta shut her up.