In Conspicuous Behavior

Sometimes some things are so obvious that we see right past them and don't ask ourselves why "that is." Well, one of those topics is "why do British people have such crappy teeth?" This little news release may solve that one.

A majority of Britons recently admitted (in poll form) to using such objects as screwdrivers, earrings and scissors to pick their teeth. 23% of the polled said they were content to just leave stuck food in their teeth where it would fester and turn into plaque and eventually turn into GINGIVITIS. Sorry, it's just that every time I hear that word I have to say it like they did in those old toothpaste ads.

Screwdrivers huh? So basically this is what I imagine a situation like would go down:

Nigel: Say Reginald, when you're done putting together our new coffee table could you be a sport and hand me that screwdriver?
Reginald: Flathead or Phillips?
Nigel: Flathead - this blueberry crumpet just wedged itself behind my molar.

Is this really happening? Was this article something The Onion wrote and Yahoo mistakenly picked up? People are using screwdrivers and scissors to pick their teeth. Yea, next time I need to clip my nails I'll whip out my machete. We all joke that Brits have crappy teeth but we never really stop to think why that is. We just accept it, make fun of it, and move on. Well now we know why. Cause they're f**king crazy!

Speaking Britain, one of its former colonies is up to no good. Another obvious thing we don't really think about is the rivalry between Australia and New Zealand. The most recent manifestation of this though is when one Aussie decided to put the entire country of New Zealand up on eBay. In the words of Dr. Evil, "riiiiiiiight."

The auction was eventually pulled from the site but the best part of this was that the opening bid started at one cent. Not a hundred bucks or $10,000. One cent. And the final bid before the auction was pulled was only $2,330. This is actually confusing on two levels. One, people are only willing to pay two grand for an entire country? (On the other hand, what a steal!) The other way this is confusing is that some people were either had by this and genuinely interested in purchasing the country or so invested in the joke (I assume it was a joke) that they were willing to pay two grand to keep the joke alive. Man, there are some f**ked up individuals in the southern hemisphere.

This last piece of news is the most recent and probably most over-obvious. I was watching television the other night when I saw a new KFC commercial. I feel like KFC has been running the same commercial for 20 years but that's neither here nor there. The point of this commercial was to introduce a new item on the menu, the Mashed Potato Bowl. (Just so you know, I've been scouring the internet for the past 30 minutes and cannot find a picture of this thing.)

Basically this lovely concoction consists of mashed potatoes, then sweet corn, then pieces of fried chicken topped with gravy and melted cheese. In theory it sounds somewhat tasty. And then you think about it (and see it) and you feel like you're going to vomit all over the place. When I watched the commercial I felt my arteries slowly clogging.

No one really wonders why America is fat. It's obvious. But here is just another example as to why. The motherF'ing KFC Mashed Potato Bowl. Unbelievable. If you'll excuse me I'm going to go chug a Vitamin Water and hit the gym. I'm feeling fat just thinking about this.