I'm going to get to the Oscars in a moment but first off I'd like to make mention of something that happened yesterday on CBS that was both horrifying and hilarious. If you happened to catch the Bradley/Southern Illinois basketball game Sunday afternoon (or perhaps the highlight on Sportscenter like I did Monday morning) then you probably saw an 18 year-old Southern Illinois cheerleader fall head first to the court on a failed stunt during a tv timeout. Think about that for a second. This girl fell about 10 feet head first onto the floor. That's gotta smart six ways to next Thursday.
(I'm so taken aback that I just made up an analogy...I think.)
The cheerleader is then put onto a gurney and strapped in with those head braces so that no part of her body can move except her arms. So what does she do? She starts cheering. The school's band had started to play one of their fight songs and the girl was going through the motions while she's being wheeled off the court. I must admit, it's pretty ballsy that this girl went along with the cheer after nosediving into the parkay.
However, it was hilarious to watch. Assuming she's ok and everything, the site of a cheerleader strapped onto a stretcher like that with her arms flailing all over the place was a sight to be seen. I haven't seen something that awkward since Dolly Parton sung at the Oscars Sunday night. (I smell segue!!!!) Needless to say, the girl chipped a vertebrae in her neck and got a concussion. She'll be fine. But what's more important is that she looked ridiculous as hell trying to cheer while almost completely immobilized. She's got to be a lock for the Spirit Award, don't ya think?
Now on to Dolly. I'm not gonna lie and say that I've really paid attention to what Dolly Parton has been doing...well, ever. But I do know one thing: she looked like Edward Scissorhands's ex-wife after some domestic abuse Sunday night. I'm pretty sure it's a safe bet if you bet the over on 20 episodes of plastic surgery for her. She looked like a Frankenlady. It was just atrocious. It really was hard to stomach. She looked anorexic with a pair of honeydews tape to her chest and a ventriloquist's puppet's head on top with baby seal eyes rotating on a swivel capped off by a human sized Barbie wig from the Old Dirty Whore collection. But she sounded great.
(By the way, I could not for the life of me remember what those puppeteers were called. I was drawing a huge blank. I spent about 10 minutes Googling to try and figure it out.)
If you need proof, it's right here and here. Be happy with that because it took me about 45 minutes to find those pictures. And I know why. Because most lenses probably broke when anyone tried to take a picture of her. God, what a disaster zone she's become. And what's worse is that on my ride home from work Monday the local DJ's were saying how she's still "super hot". I nearly stopped the car on the freeway to throw up. You know the edge of the highway that has all the divots in it so when you drive over it it makes a loud noise? I think I drifted onto that a handful of times because I was too busy yelling at the radio. How could anyone possibly think she looks like anything but some weird Area 51 project gone wrong?
Speaking of popular opinion being all wrong about a celebrity being attractive, what's the deal with Queen Latifah? Is it just me or does everyone say the same thing about her: "Queen Latifah is gorgeous. She just carries herself so well and it doesn't even matter if she's as hefty as she is; she pulls it off and looks dynamite." Let me preface what I'm about to say with this: I think all extremes are gross. On any level of any topic, not just appearances of people. But sticking with this genre, really, super skinny girls are gross and really, super fat girls are gross. There's no way two ways about it. And Queen Latifah is in the latter group. I am sure she is a very nice and fun person and that's great. But please don't tell me that she's gorgeous. Look at this. A very kind person that's fun to be around? Sure, whatever. But please don't piss on my face and tell me it's raining. She ain't gorgeous. You want gorgeous? Look in Charlize Theron and Jessica Alba's direction. That's gorgeous. To prove that I'm not an asshole, take a look at Supporting Actress Oscar winner Rachel Weisz. She is phenomenal...and she's pregnant! You'd think I'd say that's gross. But I gotta say, even with the preggers belly, she is stunning. Am I wrong? Hell no, I'm not wrong.
So please stop telling me certain people are beautitful when they're not and don't try pulling that "but they're beauty on the inside is what makes them beautiful on the outside" crap. The whole point of the Red Carpet and all those pictures is so we can criticize the bejesus out of what they look like! You wanna play the superficiality game? Ok, let's play - they're ugly. And when was the last time Queen Latifah made anything noteworthy? I'm pretty sure Beauty Shop, Taxi, The Cookout, and Last Holiday weren't box office smashes. And I know how much she likes spelling things (U-N-I-T-Y) so try this one on for size: I-R-R-E-L-L-E-V-E-N-T.
One last thing before we go...
I was reading a lot of reviews Monday of Jon Stewart's performance as the emcee for Sunday's Academy Awards and it astounds me that people would say anything bad about it. He was hilarious in every sense of the word and most importantly, he's the reason I was convinced to actually sit through the whole broadcast. His jokes were witty yet not over the top. Yet the people who bash him say that he didn't mesh well with the crowd and that his jokes did not resonate with Hollywood's elite. You know what? F**k 'em.
The reason there's an emcee is because the Oscars are televised. Otherwise they'd just do a roll call and hand out the awards. The point of the ceremony is to make a big deal about it and to let all of America know who wins and who loses. People are sick of Hollywood patting themselves on the back and staying within their bubble. Jon Stewart was able to reach out to the intelligent viewers by not only poking fun at Hollywood but making it seem accessible to America. Your Billy Crystals are just going to fluff the crowd with more smoke up their ass and silly jokes that really aren't funny. This is illustrated nicely with Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep's "unscripted" dialogue in honor of honorary Oscar winner, Robert Altman. Completely obvious, drawn out, boring jokes that don't even skirt close to the edge of the envelope. Staying right in that safety net. And that's boring. Why do you think no one really watches the Oscars anymore? Because they're boring. Last year Chris Rock went a little too far but he had the right idea. This year Jon Stewart nailed it. And if you disagree with me I will feed you to Dolly Parton.
No comments:
Post a Comment