What else can I say about my beautiful wife but "milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made!" So I bet you've been wondering where I wondered off to. There's a very good explanation for that too.

No seriously, there's no joke there. I really do have a good excuse. I moved. I completely flip flopped to the opposite part of the country. That's right - I'm now a proper resident of Los Angeles, CA. I'll find out in time if that was a good move. I switched jobs and made the trek across this great land in search of happiness, success, and silicone. Well...maybe not the later. I rather enjoy the real thing.

I did indeed drive across the country in my 2001 Nissan Altima. Oh yes, CPunch drives a foreign car. I'm all unpatriotic like that. I saw a lot of things on my journey out west although most of the interesting stuff came west of Texas. New Mexico and Arizona were the standout states. Topography that I hadn't really seen before coupled with crazy climate shifts and miles after miles of offensive billboards for Indian Trading posts. And by Indian trading posts they mean flea market type shops where they sell crappy knockoff Native American jewelry and the like. "We're slashing prices on all our knives!" one sign read. It's good to know we roundeyes didn't completely obliterate the Native American culture.

I won't get into too many particulars as we could be here forever and most of it includes me staring straight ahead on an open road listening to the NCAA tournament on AM radio. Gotta love that amplitude modulation! (The fact that some of you didn't know what AM stands for is concerning in more than one way.)

So here I am in The Angels. By the way, upon telling all my old coworkers where I was headed off to, some actually thought I was going to work for the Angels baseball team. They didn't understand I was translating Los Angeles into English as it is a spanish term. Apparently they didn't get the joke. Now, I'm aware it's April Fool's day. But I have tricks up my sleeve. That's for God and his smiteful mood to unleash. So here's your monthly fix.

Underrated

Cali Fast Food - With a California address come the massive amounts of fast food chains that one does not get in most of the country: Jack In the Box, Carl's Jr., Weinerschnitzel, Baja Fresh, Fatburger, and of course the world famous In N Out. There's also the world famous Pink's hot dog stand on La Brea Avenue which I partook in a few days ago. I'll tell you what - they boil a good dog. I had the Today Show dog. This lovely creation features two hot dogs in one bun smothered in cheese, sauteed onions, chili and guacamole. Oh...my...god. Tremendous. I'm so glad LA is such a health conscious town. Really though, it is. Can you taste that contradiction? Tastes like burning.

Grand Canyon - Everyone always says that the canyon can't be properly shown in pictures - that it's always much grander in person. These people don't lie...well, about that. They also told me Santa Claus existed and look how that turned out. Well, when I first laid eyes upon the great chasm I realized that water is a son of a bitch. Water made that? Water carved out holes and gorges and valleys that look like that for miles?? E-gads man! Here's a picture of me crapping my pants as my father takes a picture of us near the edge. You see that? Severe skidmarks at that point in the visit. It's these kinds of places that make you realize that you are nothing in this world. The earth owns us - not the other way around. Maybe we should be nice to her. On the other hand lets throw out some more styrofoam garbage to get back at her for Katrina. F**kin' whore.

Incest - Ok, slow down pardner. Not that kind. The entertainment industry's kind. You see, everyone knows everyone out here. Networking is a lot easier this way and thusly all you have to do is make the right impressions on people and you can accomplish what you set out to do. It's really quite a remarkable thing. Now it's not as easy as picking your butt, which incidentally I've been doing a lot of since my new job hasn't started yet, but the opportunity is there. If you want something big out here you can get it. You just need to know how to talk to people. Oh and whatever you're selling (your story, your music, yourself, etc.) better be good. Otherwise all that networking is gonna mean everyone's gonna know you suck. Note to self: don't suck.

Overrated

Comcast - I feel like they should have been up here before but I don't think they have been. The reason they're on this list is because I had a technician scheduled to install my internet and cable television on Monday March 27th between 9am and 1pm. They were supposed to call my roommate or myself before they came. They didn't do that and they didn't knock on our door. So they left a note saying "sorry we missed you". Well when I called Comcast bitching them out and demanding they come back later that day they told me they couldn't and that I'd have to wait until Tuesday morning. Just another day, you say? Would have been except there was an announcement that Monday that Pearl Jam tickets were going on sale Tuesday morning at 10am. I didn't get message until 1:30pm Tuesday when they were sold out. Thanks a lot Comcast! Now I get to go on eBay and get raped for nosebleed seats. Don't trust those smarmy bastards.

Isaac Hayes - Isaac, are you crazy or just an asshole? If you didn't know already, Mr. Hayes has quit his role on the animated series South Park because he feels the creators, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, have gone too far especially after the Scientology episode from last fall. Apparently Isaac is a Scientologist which in itself is pathetic. What's retarded though is that Isaac didn't seem to have a problem with the show when it made fun of Christianity including Mormonism, Judaism, and Islam. But when the jokes are being fired in his direction he gets all pissy. So to wrap up matters on the show's end Stone and Parker killed Hayes's character Chef off. Way to go Isaac. Chef was carrying your career. What are you gonna do now? Make Shaft 2? Why don't you and Tom Cruise go make out in a closet somewhere.

Katie Holmes - I love Katie. I adore her in nearly every way and I was excited to learn she was in this month's awesometastic feature film Thank You For Smoking (I highly recommend it). However there's a problem. She has a couple sex scenes and is supremely cute when saying things like "I wanna f**k you while you're on TV." What's the problem you say? She's not topless. Katie, you brought the girls out for The Gift and thusly inspired one of the greatest lines in cinema history with this exchange:

Kumar: How were Katie Holmes' tits?
Goldstein: You know the Holocaust?
Kumar: Yeah?
Goldstein: Picture the opposite of that!

The girls have already been exposed. And now that you're about to shoot out a little Tom Cruise we're not going to get to see you, pardon the term, taintless. It's bad enough you've already had relations with crazyman but once the kid comes out pretty much all hope is lost for the deserving boys of the world. It's just a sad reminder and tease of what could have been. So thanks, Katie. Thanks for crushing my dreams.