The Over/Under: February 2005

March is coming up. And you know what that means, only 11 more months til Black History Month! Also, March will feature the relocation of CPunch. Where to you ask? The Angels. I'll explain more in depth in the next installment. Onward!

Underrated

Tagamet HB - I thought I had an ulcer last week. Hell, I might still have a dormant one. I don't know. But what I do know is this stuff kicked that three-day old stomach pain to the curb. Just like an unwanted pregnancy. Thanks, Tagamet. You da pill!

Professional American Sports - You know how athletes bitch and moan about not getting an extra $2.5 mil in their contract and hold out for months until their contract reaches eight figures? Well, maybe they should read this little tale. A soccer club in Romania traded a player recently. What's the big deal? What they got back 33 pounds of meat. You heard me. A professional athlete was traded for animal carcass. And American athletes are bitching about their worth? You have got to be kidding me. The kicker is that this soccer player retired as soon as the transaction was complete because he wanted to pursue a career in construction or agriculture (what?!). The best is a quote from the meat-giving team: "We are upset because we lost twice - firstly because we lost a good player and secondly because we lost our team's food for a whole week." So to all the Terrell Owens and other overpaid douchebags in American Pro sports: suck it up. At least you're not worth some lamb shanks.

Vandalism - What better way to stick it to those rich art snobs then to vandalize their precious, precious artwork. Not the good stuff; the shitty art that art snobs drool over despite the fact it's just a black square on a white canvas or something like that. Stupid art that any random person could make. Somehow it's brilliant. Well, you can't vandalize it (and get away with it) unless you are a young child that "doesn't know any better". What a great excuse by the way. Innocence. I'd pay a lot of money to be able to use that as an excuse for, well, pretty much everything I do that pushes the wrong buttons. The point here is that this 12 year-old boy decided to stick his Wrigley's on the canvas of some painting worth $1.5 million. The museum curators say they can clean it and that the painting will be ok. The kid got off scott-free because he "didn't know any better." Way to stick it to 'em, little guy. Way to stick it to 'em, indeed.

Overrated

David Beckham - Yea, yea, yea...he's so hot and so great at soccer and he's married to arguably one of the hottest women in the world, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham. However, he can't handle simple math problems. How simple? Do you remember what you were taught when you were six? Six years old. I don't know about you but I was learning arithmetic. I don't think I learned multiplication until 3rd grade (nine years old). Maybe it's just me but I motion for a brainscan on David Beckham. He has got to be legally retarded. Real Madrid should tear up his contract right now. Beckham contests, "It's totally done differently to what I was teached when I was at school, and you know I was like 'Oh my God, I can't do this'." Teached? Teached?! I believe the word is "taught", David. Holy Christmas, I need to lay down.

St. Louis - Hey St. Louis, you make me sick. Whatever happened to equality and not prejudging people? Just because a strip club operator wants to run for school board doesn't mean he's any less qualified for the position. Maybe he didn't have the social network the rest of you elitists have to climb the corporate ladder, but he still has the drive to help the little ones learn. He just wants to help the children. Oh, won't you let him help! For shame, St. Louis. You should know better than to stereotype people. For all you know he could be the best damn strip club operator anyone's ever seen. His establishment has probably been chlamydia free for at least 6 months. Give the man some credit and a chance. Because, after all, isn't that what America's all about!?

Colombians - Ignore the coffee and blow for a second and wrap your noodle around this. Poor Victor Garcia was sentenced to four years (!) of house arrest after being convicted of slapping a woman's ass on the street while riding by on his bicycle. You see, this doesn't make any sense. Colombian women are downright gorgeous. And let's face it, they have breathtaking heinies. So how can they not expect passers-by to not give their bottoms the old How's Your Father? C'mon, people, lighten up. Four years on house arrest? Now he won't be able to go to work and support his family. His wife will have to start using human hair tampons. Meanwhile, his eldest daughter goes whoring herself out just to put a few crumbs on the table and a give Junior another week's worth of clean Huggies. I've seen it a hundred times. So save Victor and his family from their hell, Colombia. He was just taking what you were giving him. Just like passed out half-naked drunk chicks at a party.