Like sperm in a bukkake film, stupid people are everywhere. And these next few excerpts are great examples at why we have the Darwin Awards (There was actually a movie made about this with a bunch of famous people you can check out here. Oh, and Metallica is in it.) If you don't know what the Darwin Awards are, they are "awards" given to people who kill themselves in the most idiotic of ways.
It constantly amazes me, although it doesn't surprise me, that people continue to make asses of themselves in the stupidest ways. It's a good thing there's people like me to make fun of them to make us all feel better about ourselves. Huzzah!
How many of us have ever wanted to punch a horse? Probably not too many. I mean, how often does any of us interact with a horse on a daily basis? Well, this toolbox from Chico, California (which should be no surprise to anyone familiar with that town as the college there is full of people that will inevitably be pumping your gas) backhanded a police horse named "Bailey" last Labor Day weekend. The chump's defense was simple: the horse started it. Oh yea, that'll hold up in court. This clown said the horse stepped on his foot therefore prompting the idiot to give the horse a taste of the back of his hand. The judge inevitably decreed that he spend 24 hours in jail and 20 hours of community service that will quite possibly have him shoveling horse manure. Ah, sweet justice.
This next story is a story of love...at the wrong time. This dude got pulled over in Tennessee (huge f**king shocker) because he was swerving all over the freeway. Another motorist alerted the police that she was nearly run off the road several times prompting the five-oh to make an appearance. The cops then noticed the cause of the swerving - our culprit was distracted because he was flipping through nudie mags. Sometimes you're really in the mood. But c'mon guy, let's try and coordinate your need to jack it with the need for everyone else to drive down the highway without fearing for their lives.
In another instance of stupidity from the South, a woman in Arkansas was caught in a massive check forgery scam. How you ask? She misspelled the name of the company she was defrauding. And it wasn't even a tricky word or someone's name. It was the word "independent". See that? Didn't even need to spellcheck it. The clerk noticed the word was misspelled and contacted the bank and learned that no such account existed. Upon the woman leaving the supermarket -- now check this out -- the clerk followed her out the store and down the road until the police pulled her over. They ended up finding more forged checks inside the car worth $20,000. But how about the clerk!? This guy's getting paid like $4.50 an hour and actually cares enough to follow this broad out the door and down the street. This world is a screwy place.
An Australian mall owner (of one of the biggest chains in the world) forked over $38,000 USD to the Muscular Dystrophy Association of Australia after security guards at a mall in Melbourne snatched wheelchairs from two brothers leaving recently. Problem is, both of the victims of the wheelchair robbery had muscular dystrophy. Guess these security guards didn't know that; they thought they were just some punk kids stealing wheelchairs. Apparently this is a problem down there. One brother had to crawl to his car while the other had to be carried to it by his sister. Way to go Australian mall owner. I mean, we've all thought about tipping MD victims' wheelchairs over but never stealing them. Man, what a dick.
Speaking of people helping out others less fortunate than themselves. A New Zealand based food company offered to help the starving people of Kenya by sending them 6,000 packets of food. One little asterisk on that sweet notion though - it's a dog food company. Yup. Kenya was "culturally insulted" by the offer despite the company's spokesperson claiming that "when mixed with water, the powder would provide sustainable meals." I can't figure out what's crazier - the fact that someone would offer another human being dog food for sustenance or the fact that anyone in Kenya would turn down anything of nutritional value. What a pickle. Mmm, that sounds good.
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