The Over/Under: January 2006

Man, January flew by faster than an errant sperm. Now that's fast. Within the first month of 2006 we had a lot going on. Some of which I couldn't get around to bashing because I've been super busy with "real...actual...work". No need to fret though, herein lies what you desire. Sorry, you can put your pants back on.

Underrated

Adult Diapers - I'll tell you what I like about the Chinese: they'll stop at nothing to accomplish something they set their heart on. Check this out, during the few days leading up to the Chinese New Year millions of migrant farmers and the like travel for miles to the big cities to be with family to celebrate the New Year (which is a big deal for them or something). The trains that transport these folks become so packed, more so than usual, that there is literally no room to move. That usually means bad things when the train ride is over 24 hours in some cases, baaad things. Need to get to a toilet to drop of the Huxtables? Better strap on your Depends, Kimosabe. So how is this in the Underrated column? We need to help these poor people. We need to send them like 100 million adult diapers on the house. That way when the Chinese decide to take over the world they'll be kind to us. We'll be able to say, "Hey Mao, I wiped your ass, now you wipe mine." Now, that's diplomacy.

Kinkos - Places like this make starting your own business easy. You can make your own signs, pamphlets, and business cards in just a couple of hours and all with a professional look. Combine that luxury with an idiot drug dealer and you've got yourself the 21st century solution to the drug war. This moron decided to advertise his crackdealing on a tiny piece of papyrus and inevitably one of those little billboards fell into the hands of Johnny Law. Now this guy's in jail and I hear you can't sell crack in there. That's gonna put a damper on things consider he's probably got all those extra business cards lying around. Such a waste.

Protection - This is sort of a doubled-edged sword. Mommy didn't use protection and popped out 14 kids. Then mommy, (clearly) being a crazy whore (literally), beat her kids, three of which, died because of said abuse. Now she's custody. Some of the children were so afraid of more beatings that they took shelter in an abandoned house that had no electricity or water and had feces and garbage strewn across the floor. The lesson here is, always carry a blunt object and a rubber. That's just the way I roll.

Overrated

Winter X Games - Sweet Martin Van Buren this event sucked. Over the past four days I've gotten very little sleep thanks in part to a 17-hour workday...on Sunday...ya know, part of my weekend. Needless to say, I haven't gotten much done outside of 1080 nosegrab fakies and the like. It's not that I don't care about that comprise the X Games. Well, that's not entirely true. Some of the events are somewhat interesting...but I feel like I'm getting stupider by watching the broadcast. When words like "stoked", "gnarly", and "amplitude" are thrown around like commonplace you know...well, let's just say you realize what audience this is intended for (Read: GED applicants). I'm drained and ready to kill someone if they mention "540 tailgrab". I've just had enough of this crap.

Hiccups - You and I think they're sort of funny yet sometimes annoying. Yea, well watch out because they just might get you killed. Well, maybe only if you're with someone as stupid as this. Usually if someone has the hiccups we'll try and help them by scaring them or patting them on the back or something. Little Guillermo wasn't so lucky...ok, his name was David. (This happened in Colombia. Who'da thought anyone down there has a normal name?) David didn't fair so well. His uncle tried scaring him...with his gat. "Here let me just hold this gun to your throat to scare the crap outta you and...BANG!...ay caramba!!....BANG [thud]". That's pretty much what happened. David's uncle tried scare him with a gun and inadvertently shot him in the neck killing him. Then, the uncle was so distraught that he capped himself. The lesson, as always, is don't trust Colombians. That is the lesson right? Ah, screw it.

Blasphemy - You want an answer to the starvation problem in Africa? Here's your solution.


(It's all for the sake of comedy people.)