No TP = DOA

"Where have my updates been", you ask!? Well, there's a good reason for that. And I'll be able to let you in on why very shortly. Also, I think I may have an ulcer...which would suck.

However, I'd rather have like a dozen of those than what this guy got. Here's a quick lesson, kids: always remember to refill the TP. One Kenneth Matthews of Moss Bluff, Florida failed to do so last weekend and paid for it via his sledge and claw hammer-weilding roommate, Franklin Paul Crow.

Apparently Matthews forgot to refill the toilet paper dispenser and he and Crow got into an argument over it. That's when Matthews got out his rifle. At which point Crow headed for the hammers. Now, why Matthews couldn't pull a Dick Cheney and pump Crow full of buckshot, I don't know. Somehow Crow was able to hack Matthews to pieces. So much so that police needed fingerprints to identify the guy. That dude got FUBAR in every sense of the acronym.

Can you imagine being beaten with a claw hammer and a sledge hammer? Like one of the two wasn't good enough to finish the job. "Well, I've smashed his face in and his brain is strewn across the floor. But ya know, I could do with some innards on the linoleum, too." At what point did Crow decide enough was enough? That's what I always wonder in these kinds of cases. This guy ripped through his roommate like a depressed single woman rips through a pint of Häagen Dazs. When is the dude dead enough? You know what, let's play Devil's Advocate here. Maybe Matthews was the reincarnated soul of Rasputin and the son of a bitch just wouldn't die. It's possible. That's why I always keep a pouch full of Hemlock under my pillow.

(Note to self: find a better place to store Hemlock.)

When I first heard this story I questioned what the exact argument was about. I didn't know if it was merely a case of failing to refill the TP or if Matthews had hung it in the wrong direction (Always over-the-top, people. None of the down-the-back way). Regardless of what the argument was about, the dude beat and killed his roommate with a sledge and claw hammer over toilet paper!

Do we need any other reason as to why not everyone should receive an equal vote? C'mon, now. When you register to vote you should have to take an IQ and mental stability test. My vote should never count the same as some crazy asshole like Crow. If you do then you're probably a hippie. And hippies suck.