For The Record: Domo Arigato Mr. NASCAR-o

NASCAR: America's increasingly popular and profitable sport from the heartland or redneck waste of money that pollutes the mind and environment? You make the call.

Well, if you're of the former I have news that will piss you off! (Were you expecting anything else?)

Starting in 2007 a couple of major changes will take place on NASCAR's Busch and Nextel Cup circuits. Firstly, in 2007 there will be a new manufacturer on the asphalt. No longer will Daytona, Talladega, and Darlington be home to just Dodge, Chevy, and Ford. Welcome our friends from the land of the rising sun, everybody - Toyota's joining the fold!

Anyone that grew up below the Mason-Dixon line is currently yelling at their dog in disgust or something. How unamerican! NASCAR is the American form of racing. None of that pussy Formula-1 crap they have over there in Europe and Asia. Look at the bright side purists, now you'll get to have this conversation with your racing buddies:

You: Aw hell, Darryl just got passed again...
Your Buddy: Dude, that's Sterling Marlin...and he's driving a Camry.
You: I think I'm gonna go hang myself.

Man, I can't wait to see stock cars zooming around the oval going 190 mph with Pokemon emblazoned on the hood. Woooo!

If that wasn't enough, in 2008 both series' will make the switch to unleaded gasoline for every car -- this also includes the Craftsman Truck series. But wait a minute - don't they already use unleaded gasoline? I thought the 1970 Clean Air act required all automobiles to use unleaded gas. Wrong!! NASCAR was excluded from that. So for the past 56 years (2006 is season 57) we've had 43 cars a race exhausting about 500 miles of leaded exhaust into our air. Multiply that by approximately 35 races a year and what does that equal? Some dirty f**kin' air.

So NASCAR had Sunoco come up with an unleaded alternative that apparently does the trick. Well done, guys. It's only taken you 35 years to get with the program and slowly un-f**k our Ozone layer. Kudos to you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go rev my engine for about an hour while I dump styrofoam containers over my fence. Someone's gotta make up for what NASCAR won't be doing this year. It's my patriotic duty to consume and waste, baby!