The Over/Under: November 2005

Alright so I'm a day and a half late. I apologize. I caught up with stuff. I have an announcement or seven before we get started. I'm going to have a Links oriented article up every Monday pretty much recapping the previous week's news. So you'll have at least one article every week now. Mmmmm, consistency.

Also, sometime (in this next century, please) we'll be getting an outside contribution. It'll be the site's official first. It's only unofficial because one of our faithful readers sent in some nicknames for the female anatomy way back when. However, this will be the very first article written for the site not written by me. I asked a friend of mine to write a column on sex...and how to do it. My friend, we'll call her Alicia, agreed to write an article on how to please a guy. We had an in-depth discussion a few weeks ago on the subject (read: we didn't cyber, you douche) and I thought it would only be appropriate that she throw a little Cosmo style "How To Please Your Man" type of articles on us. I also requested pictures illustrating how this should be done. No, she won't be naked and no there won't be any penetration (unless we get lucky).

So when Alicia is done writing her epic I will post it here for you all to absorb and presumably learn from. I assume my readers are either virgins or just plain suck at pleasuring the opposite sex.

Underrated

New York Rangers - The boooys are back in town, the boooys are back in tooooowwwwwnn! Finally the Rangers are good again! Watching the broadway blueshirts play hockey over the past 8 years has been like watching an injured duck try and cross the road - slowly gimping along until finally they're put out of their misery and everyone saw it coming. But this year they are somehow really good. They have lots of young talent like Maxim Kondratiev, Dominic Moore, Marcel Hossa, and goalie Henrik Lundqvist. These guys play a great supporting cast for Jaromir Jagr who has, with the help of the new rules, owned the NHL this season leading the league in goals. The Rangers are currently second in the Eastern Conference and on a six game winning streak that should stretch to seven come Saturday evening when they visit the lowly Washington Capitals. I haven't been this excited since that time the test came back negative. Er...forget you read that.

Alcohol - I'll what I like about drunk friends. When you're over a mutual friend's house and the mutual friend's slightly younger, cute sister is home from college and your drunk friend gets so sloppy that he does everything but propose, you tend to have a good time. My buddy, who will remain nameless, get pretty faded this particular night and made several flirtatious comments that got more and more obvious as the night went on. If you hate awkwardness then you may not have enjoyed these five or six hours. However I ate it up. Like sweet, sweet pumpkin pie. Which I ate that night. Which brings me to my next point.

Pumpkin Pie - Oh man, how awesome is this stuff. I probably ate about three entire pies by myself over the holiday weekend not to mention the sweet potato pie I thought was pumpkin pie that I got from Stop N Shop the week before Thanksgiving. They look the same! Upon first bite I thought, "hmm, tastes a little different...ah screw it." Yes, I don't ask for much. Of course, I probably shouldn't stick to that principle when I'm whore shopping.

Overrated

ESPN - Not only did one of their contributing writers make something out of nothing (see the "The U, The U, The U Is On Fire" article) but they have me working on some of the most inane projects ever. Basically the biggest part of what I do at The Leader now is repurposing video. What does that mean, you ask? Basically shoving programming you never watched before down your throat in other formats like the internet or on another one of ESPN's networks or even on your flight. Sounds exciting, huh? Yup, a college degree to forcefeed the general public with crappy shows that no one watched originally. That's good work outta you ESPN. Most people don't really like their job so this isn't anything special. It becomes a different situation when you don't respect what you do on top of it. It's pretty much the equivalent of getting in a fight with someone and then after you're both bloody and beaten he tells you, "oh by the way, I have tuberculosis."

Personal Checks - Why do we still have these? I cannot stand when I cut a check for rent or car insurance and they don't cash it until a week later or something when you've forgotten about it and you overdraw your account? I know this has happened to you. You think your check has already cleared and you're like, "ok, I still have $230 left. I can take care of these bills and such." and then you go and buy a freakin' Snapple and some gas at your local Chevron with your debit card and boom, $30 overdraft fee. Everything should be instantaneous because, like you, I don't balance my checkbook. That's overrated..just like penal implants. What a waste of money.

Mohegan Sun - I'm not really sure why I keep blowing my money at this casino. I know going in that I'm not going to win. I've only one once in my five trips to Mohegan. I'm one for one in Vegas. Maybe it's because the Sun is an Indian casino. I should really move to Los Angeles sooner. Vegas is only four hours away and they don't have Indians out there, just Mexicans. By the way, what's up with all the Asians at casinos? Not only are they all over the floor but they work every table too. Stickin' the rice paddies behind the counter while the roundeyes serve drinks. Quite the system they got workin' over there. That's racialist man, that's racialist! It's just another piece of evidence that the Asians are going to eventually take us over. It's inevitable. However I suppose when they force us to breed with them we'll be able to make a lot of great soy sauce jokes. See, it's all about seeing the positive side of things. I feel better now.