Here's your Monday dose, as advertised, though I will admit a little tardy. I meant to have it ready for you Monday morning as opposed to late in the day. So here we go. By the way, I hate the Giants.
Ever wanted to know how it felt to get plowed by 50 Cent? Well, now you can! The Farmington, CT resident rapper (bet you didn't know he owned a house there!) has not only released a new album, movie, and video game but will soon be releasing his own manhood for your faux-boning pleasure. Not only will you be getting a vibrating version of 50's johnson, but your boyfriend will now be able to say, "I've had a jungle fever threesome!" So you got that going for you...which is nice.
Leave it to Arkansas to try and concoct a way for chicken fat to be converted into fuel for machinery and cars. Seriously, c'mon guys. Are we seriously that short on oil that we need to look to the brilliant minds of Arkansas science to come up with alternatives? What's next, poop? Gimme a box of Cracklin' Oat Bran and I'll power a Mini Cooper for 300 miles. Booyah.
If there was ever a way to legitimately compare Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick to Pablo Picasso and Lord Byron then this is it. In short, humping makes you smarter. True story. Professors in England have discovered that the more sex you have the more creatively brilliant you'll be. I'll say it again ladies, being a prude just doesn't pay. It's like a crime where everyone loses. However, when done often, you get smarter and we get off. See how it all balances out?
Welcome to Hartford public schools where the knifefights are free but the cuss words aren't! A Bulkeley High School sophomore (who's 17!!!) was recently fined $103 (a nice round number) for swearing at her teacher. The school says that if the student can't pay it the parents must. Now if you don't know Hartford very well then I'll explain where this takes us. If you're looking for low-income housing in Hartford there's probably a few new listings because these people are pretty much all on food stamps. A hundred bucks is like a month's salary. So when you move in feel free to throw out the gubmint cheese but don't take off the bars on the windows.
You know those navigation systems for your car that actually tell you where to go? How's 'bout if Mr. T was the one telling you to do so? Well, now it's possible. I didn't think it was possible to start hating the A-Team but this would push me to the brink. Poor Mr., poor Mr. indeed.
We all know Tucker Carlson is about irrational and incompetent as they come but last week he had a flash of brilliance. I'm not sure how it happened or why it happened. Maybe the Apocalypse is coming, I don't know. But Tucker actually made sane, responsible statements in the face of a PETA fanatic/employee that is distributing "comic books" that teach how "fishing is killing" and that if your father fishes "he'll probably murder your puppy." Have a gander.
Staying on the express train to crazyville, Scott Stapp recently ran into 311 in a Baltimore hotel. Well, not so much as ran into them as did 311's collective fist into Stapp's face. The 311 boys were at the hotel with their wives enjoying a nice post-Thanksgiving sitdown when Stapp rumbled in doing his best Vince Neil impression being loud and drunk and breaking shot glasses over the bar. When Stapp looked for attention from the 311 boys and didn't get it he flipped out and sucker punched one of the ska-rockers. At which point the rest of them beat the living snot out of him. It's good to see Scott's doing so well in life after Creed.
And finally, if you ever thought of trespassing on a farm and letting your friend videotape you getting anally reamed by a thoroughbred, well...you might want to reconsider. This dude died. Yea, apparently the horse was so well endowed and/or plowed him so hard that the guy's colon ruptured causing him to kick the bucket. There's got to be a "bought the farm/horse semen" joke in there somewhere but I can't find it. Probably because it's covered in all that horse semen. Count it!
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