The Over/Under: October 2005

I meant to post another column before I headed down to Miami but I forgot. Sorry. Here's a few quick hits before we get to the O/U.

Two weeks ago during the World Series, a Chicago White Sox fan decided it'd be a jolly good time if he harrassed the Houston Astros's star Craig Biggio's wife in the stands. Apparently he slapped her too. Why, I'm not really sure. But White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen issued an apology on behalf of the entire organization. I read this article on espn.com about it thought afterwards as devil's advocate (as I tend to do), "maybe she deserved it." Yea, she probably didn't but hey, maybe she's a bitch. Who am I to say?

Another espn.com original here - international and WNBA superstar and role model to little girls everywhere, Sheryl Swoops, came out of the closet last week proclaimed that she was a lesbian. Um, ok...so? I'm pretty sure almost everyone in this country assumed that at least 85% of WNBA players are carpetmunchers. What kind of press release is that anyway? Who cares? I mean, aren't most professional women athletes gay? The LPGA has been a breeding ground for rugbumpers for years. And women's professional bowling and tennis? Well, maybe not tennis so much. There's no way girls like Maria Sharapova are gay. Not that there'd be anything wrong with that. In fact, that'd be fantastic. But everyone needs a little D in the P at some point. Enjoy your life outside closet Ms. Swoops. Maybe you and Nancy Lopez can have a love child together.

Does anyone else realize Halloween just happened? I completely forgot about it until my friends in Miami starting planning their Ron Burgendy and the Channel 4 News Team outfits. I hate how holidays seem to mean less and pass by us more as we get older. (And that was my Oscar for dramatic writing piece.)

Underrated

The Colbert Report - Pronounced "Coal-bear Re-pore", this show is freakin' brilliant. If you've watched The Daily Show with Jon Stewart you know who Stephen Colbert is. Well now he has his own show and I'm saying that it's funnier than an average Daily Show. He's fan-f&%king-tastic. Not to mention the eagle. Oh, watch the first 90 seconds of an episode and you'll know what I'm talking about. The show airs at 11:30pm Monday-Thursday on Comedy Central. If you don't know, you betta acks somebody.

Chicago White Sox - It actually took them two years longer to win a World Series than it did the Red Sox but they never got any hype. 88 years later the Black Sox debacle is over and Shoeless Joe's ghost can go back to beating off repeatedly in heaven. This team is just more proof that chemistry wins championships, not filling holes with pricey all-stars. Cough cough, Yankees.

New York Rangers - Their first month back on the ice following the lockout produced surprising results: 6-4-3 for 15 points and third place in the conference. Granted they've only played13 games of an 82 game season but still. There's finally some promise for the Broadway Blueshirts! They haven't been good since 1997. That's way too long for me. I demand a contender every year. So far so good though. They're young, they're hungry, and they dumped their starting goaltender for the rookie. My only question is this: why you gotta keep the brothers down? That starter was Kevin Weekes (a black dude) and the rookie is Henrik Lundqvist (clearly, a white dude). Why did they bench Weekes? Because his name shows how good he is. Let's-go-Ran-gers!

Overrated

Hurricane Wilma - What the F. It had to hit Florida right before I went down last week causing Fantasy Fest to be moved six weeks and knocking out enough places with power so that half a dozen friends of mine had to flee the area rendering me unable to hang out with them. Mother nature is such cunt. I still had fun down there but it would have been more so had their been power in the right places. Thanks to the people that didn't make that trip suck.

Madden 06 - I was so pumped for this game to come out August 9th. Then two weeks ago I realized I never really played it. I played like three games in my season. The gameplay is slow and there's waaayyyy too much stuff to take care of in Dynasty mode. Do I really care about concessions prices and how much money I'm spending on radio advertising? When did Madden become a business game? It's a football game, let's keep it that way. Why don't you devote more hours and money toward the graphics and gameplay. Stupid Madden must be getting senile putting his name on this. This is the first year I can truly say I was disappointed with his game. So much so that I sold it back to EB World and bought NCAA 06. That game has gotten better each year. Goooooo Canes!!

Holding Myself To Promises - I told myself I'd start reading more (I even bought four books in England that I wanted to get through.) I haven't read a word. I told myself I'd hold back on spending so much. Only a little bit. I told myself I'd start working out. I haven't even looked inside the gym downstairs. I suck. Maybe I'm too lazy. Ok, I am too lazy. I need someone to kick my ass in gear. And while they're doing that they should have a gorgeous body and reward me with BJ's. That'd be outstanding. Hell, I might even start volunteering at needy charities and stuff. It's true what they say: rewards work better than punishment. Ok, so who wants to be my personal assistant? I'm looking in your direction Jessica Alba.