Funny Is To Links As Hand Is To Job

Over the past couple of weeks I've compiled a list of links. During my ample free time at work I've scoured the internet for stories I felt were worth commenting on. Some got their own columns. I mean, anytime you get lesbian cheerleaders you're getting your own column.

He's your dosage for this week.

You may have heard about this one already since it happened a couple weeks ago and isn't as farm fresh as the ones below this, but Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Ugueth Urbina was arrested for allegedly attempting to murder workers at his house with a machete and then trying to light them on fire with gasoline. I did not make that up.

First of all, who owns a machete anyway? What, are we playing Contra here? And then these guys get on the wrong end of a freak gasoline fight that isn't so freak? Ugie, my man, what's goin' on here?? And did you see the interview with him from inside the jail cell? He was holding his face up to the bars while the mic was positioned through them. It was like straight out of a spaghetti western or something. Except here it's not the beaner that's behind bars it's the....oh wait, it is the beaner. Nevermind.

This old apparently was the butt end (pun intended) of a practical joke at his local Home Depot recently. For some reason he sat down on a toilet, presumably to test the bowl for its volume to accommodate is unusually large stools, and could not get up. He was stuck on the seat because some pranksters thought it'd be a funny idea to put superglue on the seat. And you know what? They were right!

I mean, look at this guy. He's clearly insane. Who has a beard like that anymore anyways? He's probably wanted in five states for screwing beagles or something. Only crazy people have beards like that. The Unibomber, bin Laden, Hitler (pre-mustache, oh yea. He had it goin on), the drive-thru lady at your local fast food stop.

(Sidenote: why is it that every woman at my local Wendy's has a mustache? You'd think it was a requirement. It's called wax ladies. God. Gross.)

And why aren't there more pranks like this happening more often? I feel like the mischief level has dropped off significantly over the last decade or so. Kids are becoming a bunch of pussies.

How about this one. A 12 year-old has been given an exemption to play in an LPGA event in late April next year because her mother was recently diagnosed with incurable liver and bone cancer. Now this is a sweet, inspiring story right? Wrong. The LPGA has it all wrong. There ain't no way that broad is making it past Christmas let alone late April.

I'm sorry but this little girl is going to playing for mommy's funeral bill. Too much? Eh, whatever. Life's a bitch, get a f**kin' helmet.

Last time I checked Christians didn't take too kindly to the pillowbiters. And this guy's coming out of the closet even though he's a Catholic priest? I'm sensing a little conflict of interest here. A conflict that can only be settled with some Guida's Grade A's to the stained glass windows of a certain pastor's rectory. Hey, they don't call it a "rectory" for nothing. Oh they do? Ok, sorry.

Last but certainly not least, Kazakhstan has declared war (ok maybe not war, but still) on Sacha Baren Cohen, the lovable comedian/actor who plays Ali G, Bruno, and Borat on his show Da Ali G Show.

Cohen recently hosted the MTV Europe Music Video Awards in Lisbon, Portugal as his Borat character who is a Kazakh news reporter. Kazakh Foreign Ministry spokesman Yerzhan Ashykbayev had this to say about Borat's jokes about Kazakhstan:

"We do not rule out that Mr. Cohen is serving someone's political order designed to present Kazakhstan and its people in a derogatory way."

Not quite you a-wipe. He's poking fun at an Arabic stereotype and if you didn't have your head so far up your ass you'd realize he's not being serious.

By the way. My favorite lines from this article are the following:

"...Borat, who arrived in an Air Kazakh propeller plane controlled by a one-eyed pilot clutching a vodka bottle."

"Cohen's earlier jokes about the Central Asian state include claims that the people would shoot a dog and then have a party, and that local wine was made from fermented horse urine."

Now that's comedy. And besides, who cares what Kazakhstan has to say on the subject? They're probably stoning their wives for sport while getting drunk on horse urine. Crazy ragheads...

Wait, I'm being told by my editors that that's not very PC and could be considered insensitive. I will therefore like to apologize to all Arabs in hopes that they will not suicide bomb me. Thank you and Allah-speed.