The Hotties List 1.0 - Diamonds In The Rough

Firstly I'd like to acknowledge the fact that, while I haven't played a terrible amount in the last 9 months, I haven't lost a beer pong game in like a year or something. Yea. I'm crazy good. Anyhoo...

As promised here is a quick list of the seven (don't you love odd numbers) of the hottest girls you probably have never heard of. I've scoured the TV, magazines, and the interweb for the most scorchingly hot unknowns possible. Now I know there's probably a crapload I missed. And for that I apologize. Now if you have heard of any of these girls before then Kudos to you. You may have seen some of them before but never knew who they were as maybe they had some crappy one-liner role in a Well Smith action movie or something.

Without further ado, here are some hotties! (in no particular order)

1. Carmella Decesare

Carmella was last year's Playboy playmate of the year. Out of all my friends, only one gets Playboy and I rarely ever see him. So it's safe to say most people I know don't really have any clue of which girls are in Playboy. However my new roommate (soon to be as of 2/19) passed along a certain site containing over 100 pictures of her that I won't be displaying here (d'oh!). Let's just say they were like the salad bar sans the sneeze guard. It was actually a little troublesome to find a picture where she wasn't naked. But if you want sneeze-guardless pics, you know where to contact me. That's all the info you really need to know on this girl. She's just super hot...and real.

2. Bali Rodriguez

Another hard to find picture. But only because she's a surfer trying to become a model and when you type "bali rodriguez" into Google you get back a lot of Bali's and a lot of Rodriguez's and none of them relate to her. So instead I'm forced to re-run her picture from the February issue of Maxim. She likes raw food, DJing, and dropping the F-bombs. My kind of girl.

3. Jennifer Ellison

This British blonde is apparently on a hit soap opera in the UK and she's just starting to make the transition to American TV & film. Thank God because when I first saw her pics I nearly defacated in my chair from excitement. Ok, I apologize for that visual. Oh, you didn't have a visual? Well, you just did. Just look back at her picture and you'll forget. Anyway, she's a dancer and has been World Championship recognitions to prove it. Which will always come in handy. Flexibility people, flexibility.

4. Susan Ward

You may have seen her in the, presumably on Fox, show Sunset Beach. If not you would have seen her in Wild Things 2 and Shallow Hal. Originally from Louisiana, she is apparently engaged or married or something that means we can't (legally) try to get with her. That's ok, she's starting to get up there in years. The only real problem I can see with Susan is that her favorite comedian is Howie Mandell. Yes, the same Howie Mandell that spawned the smash hit Bobby's World and has since resorted to shaving his receding hairline off and doing filler packages for Leno on the Tonight Show. So sad. But it's known that Susan sleeps and walks around the house naked. She also enjoys vodka. So send her a bottle and stay outside her window for hours of entertainment. Um, you didn't hear that from me.

5. Holly Valance

Apparently Holly has modeled and done TV ads and music videos. All I know is that she's off the chain hot. She's from Australia and is a distant relative to Benny Hill. She's set to co-star in the next National Lampoon flick, Pledge This, with none other than the Hilton sisters. There better be some making outage in this film. She, like every other actress these days, has a "critically acclaimed" album out in Australia and the UK. And she supposedly was close to a role in CSI but couldn't get a work permit. Goddamn conservative government. I don't care if Holly's a terrorist or not, let her in.

6. Paula Garces

You may remember me gushing about this girl back in August. She played the super hot girl down the hall in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. She, like Susan Ward, is up there in years but you'd never guess it. Now she's set to co-star in a new movie called Man of the House with Tommy Lee Jones and four other hotties. They play five University of Texas cheerleaders who witness a murder so Tommy "why am I making these crappy movies. I was in The Fugitive and JFK, damnit!" Lee Jones becomes their bodyguard. I'm glad we're seeing more of Paula because, in the words of Wayland Smithers's computer, "[She's] quite good at turning me on."

7. Dasha Zhukova

First off, this picture isn't very good but it's the only one I could find online. It doesn't nearly do her justice. But she entered this list early last week when Tony Kornheiser on ESPN's show Pardon the Interruption basically professed his intentions to marry her on back to back shows just after the Australian Open. She was at the Open because she is going out with tennis star and Aussie Open winner, Marat Safin. That's all I really know about this girl. But Tony's right, she's stunningly hot.

So that's my list of seven. I'll probably do another round of this down the road when it's a slow "news" week. I hope you enjoyed checking out this article as much as I enjoyed "researching" it. Is it possible to have anymore bad sexual innuendos in this column? Probably. But I'll stop there.