ExLax For Your Noodle

So sorry for the long delay. I've been super busy organizing myself, my new job and my imminent move to central Connecticut (woo hoo, not). So there's a few things I suppose I should delve into in this column as I have some catching up to do.

First off, my mom recently emailed this little nugget to me and I thought it was amusing enough to post here. Bear in mind my mom has been a non-stop nag about getting a "real" job and everything that comes with it including follow-up phone calls, emails, and letters. Here's what she sent me:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: I f: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Not bad, huh? I think this is a good thing to live your life by. You know why? Because it's way too close to true to not take it seriously.

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Now I was thinking about this the other night: what came first, the chicken or the egg? And not in the actual sense of the debate like most people argue. I'm talking about women and the obsession to be thin vs. the media's portrayal/pressure to be thin. What came first?

I think many would argue (those chunkies who can't lose weight) that it's all the media's fault that women feel pressured to look thin. I'm going, as I always do, play the Devil's advocate here and say that it's a vicious cycle if not something brought upon women by women. Hear me out.

(Keep in my I really have no F'ing clue what I'm talking about. I'm just thinking/wondering outloud. In short, don't hate me for challenging the status quo...ass.)

Consider the facts:

- People don't like fat. Whether it's on them or on their food. It's inherent to not like feeling heavy and immobile.

- The media is out to sell something that people have a high demand for. That's how they make money. Supply and demand people; this is Econ 101.

What if people's lifestyles dictating that, as such, and in conjunction with their internal biology (slow metabolism), they became heavier than what their ideal/healthy height to weight ratio. They would want to get back to that ideal ratio. Thusly they would go after whatever plan of attack they could find that would help them get to that ratio. Be it exercise, diet, diet pills, bulimia (kidding!).

Henceforth, these companies that sell the stuff to help one become skinnier make a crapload of money. So other forms of business see that there is a market for this including the media to grab ratings. Because just like that bodega you buy your weed at, the media is a business, too.

Women see that the media is now whoring themselves off the fact that people inherently want to be thin and and think, "oh crap, I have to be even thinner".

And then each side tries to outdo each other becoming thinner and thinner. So at the very least I'm gonna go ahead and say that maybe, just maybe, women are just as much at fault for their desire to be thin as the media's constant overflow of thin women imagery.

Then again, I'm just trying to cause a ruckus.

This all leads me to my next article. Where I will show you my top 5 (or 10 depending on how many I find and feel are worthy of writing about) hottest girls you probably haven't heard about. I know, I'm excited too. See you in a couple days. I'll bring the hotties; you bring the Vasoline.