The Over/Under: January 2005

Another month, another list of what was sweet and what sucked ass. I'll tell you what doesn't suck ass though...getting a new (real) job. You're looking at the new production assistant for ESPN. What does this mean? You know the highlights you see on Sportscenter? I'll get to pick those. I'll get to watch one game per night and pick the plays from that game that will make up the highlight that will be on Sportscenter. Not bad, right? Though the pay kind of sucks, it's the name and the super sweet connections and experience that I'm going there for. But never fear, I'll still be here a few times a week to dish out some more opinionated drivel.

Now, onto to meat and potatoes of this column - the Over/Under.

Underrated

Jimmyhats - As you may remember my boy knocked up his girlfriend a few months ago and I first learned about this at the beginning of this month. And it all made me realize how important these little penis covers are. I don't think the world is ready for little Jason's running around...yet. And the sadness in my friend's voice is certainly convincing enough to strap on some latex. You should hear this kid. I was talking to him yesterday (1/31) afternoon and he was explaining the situation to me. Someone needs to send a camera crew to his house and tape him talking about this. Screw the regular health class videos on safe sex. This kid's depressive tail is enough. By the way, easily the funniest part of the conversation was when we had this exchange:

Jon: Hey, how much do you think child support is? Ya know, if I left Melissa?
Me: Hahahahaha...um, I don't know dude maybe a few hundred bucks?
Jon: Is it like a percentage of your income?
Me: That sounds logical.
Jon: Cause that wouldn't help her since I make next to nothing.
Me: Hahaha, I know...
Jon: And I just heard about these two hot girls at work that are looking for a third roommate. That would be so sweet.
Me: (sigh) oh Jon...

Sledding - I wrote that the weather sucked in the November and December issues of this but let me tell you that when it snows a crapload it can be fun. And in fact it snowed a lot a couple weeks ago - probably about 14 inches worth. So I did what any 22 year-old college graduate would do. Shovel the driveway? Hell no. I went out with my sister to Sport's Authority and bought a couple of new snow tubes. Then I built a sweet ass jump at the bottom of the hill in my yard and went to town. That's your college tuition at work mom and dad.

frozen White Castle burgers - I had totally forgotten about the box of six frozen White Castle burgers that grocery stores sell until I watched my very own copy of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle...which for all intensive purposes is an honorary pick for this column. The next day I headed on down to my local grocer and picked up a couple packs and hot doggie were they tasty. It was like $4 for six of those mouthwatering little burgers. If you don't buy a pack God will smite you. He'sa cookin'a up somethin' (that was in an Italian accent).

Overrated

Harrison, NY Town Court - So I finally went to court for that speeding ticket I got in October. Problem is, there was about 100 people there. The second problem is they were about 90 minutes overtime on their criminal hearings (that happen prior to traffic hearings). So I sat there listening to crackheads who stole cars and had DUI's and failed to pay child support for an hour and a half before anyone in the court room addressed all the traffic people. The thing that really curdles my milk is that as soon as I arrived at 11am an officer reviewed my case with me and told me they'd lower the charge to something less severe thus making the fine less severe. Fast foward 90 minutes when some woman the latter side of the Kirsty Allie years waddled up to us and told us if we had already met with a cop we could just go outside and pay it. Hey lunchbox, where were you an hour and a half ago!?

Peyton Manning - He's a great quarterback and he seems like a really nice guy. But crimeny, this guy cannot win a meaningful game to save his life. Any time he's in a situation where it's do or die he chokes like Mama Cass. He makes all the plays a computer would make - the logical mathematically correct plays. But sometimes a QB needs to take a chance in order to win a game. Peyton can't do that which is why it was hilarious when on CBS's post game show Boomer Esiason called Peyton this generation's Dan Marino. Dan was sitting two chairs over. You can imagine the awkwardness for the rest of that show.

Student loans - This month marked the first month in which I had to start paying back my student loan. Great. Another F'ing bill, right? And I know it's not huge amount of money as compared to some other people I know, but still. I can only imagine the headache they're going through having to pay back upwards of 100 large. That's just grotesque. Not Elephant Man grotesque, but hanus nonetheless. And let's be serious for a second, couldn't that minimum $55 a month payment go to better things like fueling my alcoholism? Just kidding. It's heroin. So...cold...