Preggers In '05 & The Over/Under: December 2004

The first column of the new year and all we're going to talk about is last year. A quick New Year's Eve recap. I went out with a few friends to New York to do some barhopping - no Times Square. We're havin' a grand old time until my friend Dominique goes off for a few to meet a friend from school...she never came back and never answered her phone. What the hell, right?

Turns out her friend suffered the same fate as my friend Wilson's friend - they both pissed in public and got arrested. Well, Charlie (Wilson's friend) just got a ticket as he pissed on a building. Dom's friend was pissing on police van. Well done you jackass! So they all got arrested and thrown in jail for a few hours. It's funny because Wilson and I were out with a couple other people including Charlie. That's how you ring in the new year baby!! In the end Dom managed to cry and lie her way out of jail as only girls can do.

Now at this point I was just going to skip ahead to the Over/Under, however there's hot-off-the-press news I've got to divulge because it's simply too funny to not mention. And when I say funny, I mean it's only funny because it didn't happen to me and I already did the "Oh man, I can't believe it. I'm sorry to hear that" shpeal.

I'm, of course, talking about my long, long time friend knocking up his girlfriend. Oh yea. The kid is 23, she's 23 as well I think. All I know is this kid is going to be a father in seven months and he hates his job and wants to move to Florida. Ain't happenin' no mo, son! Hell, I was planning on rooming with him if I got the job at ESPN. But I suppose if I were to still do that I'd have to learn how to do diapers. And frankly, I'm not ready to be wrist-deep in poopy quite yet.

How sad huh? Go ahead, laugh. It's ok...because you're not the one who F'ed your girlfriend when she forgot to take her pill. Oh, and if you actually have done this, well...then...hahahahahaha, loser. But Jon, really. That sucks, dude.

Now, everyone got their jimmyhats? Great, on to the Over/Under!

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Underrated

GTA: San Andreas - I am so addicted to this game ever since I got right after Christmas. Set in 1991 in "Los Santos", you basically run your gang and beat ass. Just think of Compton and Crips and Bloods and you'll get the jist. It's wonderful. And of course the music is off the chain. Dr. Dre, NWA, Guns N Roses, Rage Against the Machine, Biz Markie, Cypress Hill, Stone Temple Pilots, etc. All the kickass music from one of the best eras of music of our time. That plus my Tec-9 all up in your grill and I be ballin' fo sho witcho punk ass. That's how they speak in the game except there's about 2348832 more F-bomb's and N-bomb's. Eh, screw it. I don't think any black people read this site but if they do they'll know I "ain't shady". They say nigger a lot. There, I said it. Someone call the authorities.

Paychecks - Son, I got some benjamins this month. A good amount of 'em too. There's nothing finer than feeling rich even if you aren't. You know what I'm talking about college folk. It's the end of the month and all the money you made at work and/or whatever you get from your parents has all but been spent and then come the checks, sucka. And you're like, "yea, screw the Natty Ice. Gimme the Heineken. I'm rich, bitch!" How pimp is that feeling? Almost as pimp as knowing you didn't knock your girlfriend up!

Film - There were a plethora of cool movies out this past month: Meet the Fockers, Ocean's 12, Closer, and Life Aquatic to name the biggest. I saw all but LA, which I plan to see shortly and I enjoyed all of them. But not as much as I love taffy. Mmm. Mmmmm. Oh. Mmm. Mmmmmohyeammm. Anyway, December always proves to be a good movie month as this is where the studios drop their big hitters for Oscar consideration. The Aviator is out there as well and will probably win some awards however it doesn't get any better for me than foreskin dropping into a fondu pot. I mean, if that ain't comedy, what is?

Overrated

The weather - I'm pretty sure I dropped this on the November list too but Christ almighty it got worse. There was a week late this past month where, with wind chill, it was like 0-2 degrees. It was coooooold. I'd walk out of a building and within two minutes my toes would be numb. I hope all you crackers in the south are laughing it up. Don't come crying to me when it's sack-sticking-to-thighs hot down there, alright? Yea, what!?

Christmas - Bah, you've heard it from me before. Not that I'd trade it for Hannukah because as Jewish kids get older they start to realize how little it means in relation to Rash Hashannah and Yom Kippur therefore depleting the present count. But, once you get older, and maybe this is just me, Christmas holds as much pizazz or "jollyness", as it were, as Ben Stein on prozac. If I didn't receive any gifts I'd probably shoot myself. It's that meaningless at this point. And I'm sure it'll probably change at some point and I'll get excited about it again. But right now, I'm as excited about Christmas as my friend Jon is about his fetus. (Don't worry, I have no shame in repeating this joke.)

Lindsay Lohan - Ok, now I know what you're thinking and yes I would rail her too. However, she can't sing a note to save her life. I'm sorry, but that Rumors song is terrible and I can only assume it goes downhill for the rest of the record. Why actresses are becoming singers and vice versa is beyond me. Stick to what you're good at. Just because J-Lo does it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I mean, look at Ben Affleck. Stick to what you do best sweetheart, pretend you're a high school student while flaunting that amazing rack.

Happy 2005, bitches.