Tucker And The Lords Of Douchebaggery

Grab a bottle of champagne, a coupla hookers, and a few goldfish or whatever you use to celebrate and get ready to get rowdy! CNN cancelled their shitfest, "Crossfire!" We're one step closer to honest, intelligent, respectable journalism. No more Robert Novak! No more Paul Begala! And no more Tucker Carlson!!!

Weeelllllll, not quite.

The 36 year-old that still wears a bowtie will be switching over to MSNBC for some primetime show and the other two lords of douchebaggery will infect some other CNN programming.

Why God why did MSNBC hire Tucker?! He's so bad it hurts my head. MSNBC is the main source of "real" news I pay attention to because I respect it the most and now this. Now they've gone and soiled themselves with the putrid stench of Tucker Carlson. He is now the skidmark to MSNBC's underwear.

What are they going to have this pillowbiter do exactly? He sat there on "Crossfire" looking smug and arguing points that are so inane and ridiculous that he makes Dubya look articulate. I mean, Christ. (Speaking of which, has anyone seen the 2005 calendar featuring pictures of Bush with hilarious quotes of incoherence in little dialogue bubbles? Brilliant.) Then you had Begala completely bashing Bush but for the most outrageous, stupid hippie reasons possible.

Paul, you have the easier of the two sides to defend and you're blowing it more than Ashlee Simpson did at the halftime show of the USC/Oklahoma game Tuesday. I bet you thought I'd make a sexual joke there, huh? But I always keep you on your toes.

By the way, can we make it official now that Ashlee's career is over? Babe, I know you sold like 3 million records in a couple weeks or whatever the hell it was but you've made three national TV appearances and in two of them (which were the only two live ones of the three) you sucked more than a 2-bit whore. (Theeeeerrre it is.)

Her voice was cracking and she was straining to hit every note. So instead of just singing in a lower octave (you need less force and effort to hit a low note than a high one) she decided to start screaming and straining for the notes she couldn't hit. Acid reflux or not, she's screwed. And don't get me wrong, I'd still rail her. But bitch please, her singing career is done.

So all tangents aside, I'm glad we live in a world without "Crossfire" now. Jon Stewart's little tirade on the show this past fall actually made enough of an impact upon the new CNN president that he cancelled the show.

"(Tucker) wanted to host a prime-time show in which he would put on live guests and have spirited debate. That's not the kind of show CNN is going to be doing", said CNN president, Jonathan Klein. He added, "People screaming at each other adds a lot of heat but not much light."

Mr. Klein was being nice. If I got the chance to speak for him it'd be more like this:

"Mr. Carlson is a douchebag with misinformed, biased arguments with little supporting facts. We at CNN frown upon that kind of garbage and would like to also publicly state that Mr. Carlson has no pubic hair and enjoys orally satisfying cocker spaniels."

But, of course, that's why I'm here and he's there. Sey la vie.

PS - Alberto Gonzales is a jackass and should be given the same punishment the soldiers who performed the torture in Abu Gharaib received. I am not surprised Bush nominated a man of his character. Click here for a link to a website that explains the truth and why Gonzales is a dickhead. And his kids are ugly.