The NBA: The Poor Man's NHL

If you haven't heard about the rumble in Motown yet, then you are one pathetic loser. And I mean that in the nicest way. If for some reason you've been living under a rock for the past 72 hours, I'll briefly explain what the situation is that made me laugh in bewilderment Friday night.

Another NBA game in Detroit between the Pistons and the Pacers, right? Well, it would seem so. Until with 45 seconds to go Ben Wallace (Det) got fouled hard by electro-shock therapy patient in training Ron Artest (Ind). Wallace then decks Artest in the jugular. A scuffle breaks out between both teams but things start to settle down and Artest is actually being somewhat good - he's lying down on the scorer's table. Then...well, then a full cup of beer or water comes flying in from the stands and catches Artest square in the collarbone. Then, because Artest had already used his "competent moment of the day" coupon, he climbs five rows deep and starts beating on a fan...who he thought threw the cup.

(After further review I've decided Ron's decision to lie down on the scorer's table was more of a "F you" to Ben Wallace than a moment of clarity.)

At this point Stephen Jackson (Ind) follows suit and pulls a Winky Wright (vs. Shane Mosely) and starts decking fans. Then fans start wailing on him. The arena has broken out into chaos and there's some players fighting fans and some trying to break it all up. Two fans came onto the floor a few minutes later trying to bait a lawsuit out of the mascot for bipolar disorder, Ron Artest. Artest clocks the first of two while the other falls down and gets absolutely laid out by Jermaine O'Neal (Ind).

Soda, popcorn, and beer are being thrown at all the Indiana players. Security, fans, and players are just in disarray and at one point a chair came flying in toward O'Neal. And Bobby Knight wasn't even in the arena.

It was absolute mayhem...and since I didn't get hurt nor do I really care about the NBA, I watched in delight. No, I don't want to see other people get hurt. I'm not a monster. But, I mean, come on.

No, seriously. Come on.

For Christ's sake, the 1am Sportscenter (an hour long show) devoted 50 minutes to this melee. This was such a black scar on a sport that is now rivaling the idle NHL as the "loser league".

(Let it be known that I love hockey and it's only screwed because there's too many teams and the players refuse to accept a fair plan that encourages economic growth for everyone and not just themselves.)

Back to Sportscenter...they had all these different angles and slow-mo analysis of the punches and arrows pointing to where chairs were flying in. It was the best Sportscenter I've seen in a long time. Hearing the anchors describing NBA players throwing haymakers at fans and vice versa is so much more entertaining than "real" highlights.

Two days later, the NBA handed out the suspensions. And oh baby were they hefty. Stephen Jackson got 30 games, Jermaine O'Neal got 25 games, and Ben Wallace got 6. Oh yea, and Ron Artest is gone for the year. A whole freakin' year. All these guys are losing over $10 million in pay.

Of course the players are as much as fault as the fans are. I mean, you shouldn't throw drinks at players and the players shouldn't come into the stands and beat their asses. But you know what? I think the Detroit fans were just showing the frustration so many of us are feeling. Because without the NHL, where will we see brawls at sporting events? I mean, all Bosox/Yanks games aside, there really isn't a venue for this.

I'm taking this whole incident as a sign that God wants hockey back. I mean, have you seen it on ESPNHD?! It's magnificent. And if you don't think this is God's way of saying he wants hockey back...well...you're probably Mormon...or Mexican...or, or female. Yea, you never knew God was a racist Canadian womanizer did ya!?

Ok, he's not. But I totally pissed off like a crapload of people right there! I love you, too. (Smiley face, winky face)

By the way, Ron Artest's rap cd is coming out tomorrow!

Go Whalers!