Let me tell you about the worst day of my life. Well, to be fair, it's more like a day and a half. And almost all of it involves New York City. Tuesday October 12th at around noon through Wednesday October 13th around midnight. I can't remember feeling more miserable in my life than in those 36 hours. So I tried thinking of what I could do to make myself feel better. My conclusion was that if I was going to go down I would take all you sumbitches with me. (This column is unofficially sponsored by Zoloft...and Johnny Walker)
So I'm driving to NYC Tuesday morning for my once-a-week "job" at ESPN. If you recall my previous column about this "job" then you know what I do. Now since then we stand-in's have just been playing poker, doing crossword puzzles, and watching playoff baseball and presidential debates on TV during our down time...which is 75% of the time. In a given week I'd say I do about 15 minutes of real, actual work. Yeeaaa...
So I'm driving on the Hutch doin about 75 or so when I hit a construction zone. So of course everyone starts going about 30mph. Already I'm in a bad mood but after about a mile the cones go away and it's back to normal speed. And if you aren't familiar with the Hutchinson Parkway, it's ridiculous. It's the same highway as the Merritt Parkway in Connecticut but gets the name change when you enter New York state. Needless to say the driving gets a lot crazier upon entering the Empire State.
So of course I get stuck behind this douchebag of driver in an Astro van doing 65 while everyone else, in the right lane mind you, kicks it up a notch to between 75-80. We pass a rest stop a little farther down the road. Half mile later I see a cop behind me. I'm still stuck behind this van. I'm not worried because I'm going slower than everyone else on the road. All of a sudden the cop's lights go on. I change to the right lane thinking he has to get ahead to an accident or something. Nope! He's pullin' my broke ass over. We then had this exchange:
Stupertrooper: License please.
Me: [handing him my license] Was I doing something wrong officer?
Stupertrooper: Goin too fast.
Me: But I was going the same speed as everyone else.
Stupertrooper: They were all goin' 70s. You were goin' 80.
Me: I...
Stupertrooper: You been pulled over before?
Me: Yea, but...
And the cop just walks away. He processed my info, comes back with my ticket, never lets me talk and walks back to his Crown Victoria. What the @%*#! So not only did I get screwed on the ticket but I have to call the town of Harrison, NY to find out how much this injustice is going to cost me. Well, F that. I'm fighting this like my life depends on it. Because well, it sort of does at this point in my financial life.
So I get into Manhattan on time somehow and park on 10th Avenue between 51st and 52nd street. It's a one-way avenue and I pull up and park on the left side at a meter. It's a one hour meter so I know I'll have to come back and keep putting money in but it will still be cheaper than putting my car in a garage. Let's put it this way - putting your car in a garage in Manhattan is the equivalent of Ron Jeremy "loving" you in the pooper sans KY. Mmmm. Your wallet gets wicked violated.
At one point we're actually working inside and I lose track of time so I run out at 7pm. Now the last time I put money in the meter was 3pm. Yikes, right? I was praying the metermaid hadn't come by yet and given me yet another ticket. So I turn the corner and...
(...wait for it...)
(...the suspense is killing me!...)
MY F&%$ING CAR IS GONE. Just gone. So I'm calling the police, tow truck companies, basically anyone that might know if my car has been towed or stolen. Well the good people at the NYPD transit authority decided to tow my car. Now you're probably thinking they towed it because the meter wasn't paid. Well that's possible but not the reason. Apparently you're not allowed to park from 4-7pm on the avenues. I guess this is so commercial vehicles can load and unload goods as most stores and businesses are located on avenues and not streets. Now why didn't I see a sign saying so? Well, when I turned onto 10th Ave. I parked in the middle of the block on the left side. I got out of my car, paid the meter and walked up the block to the corner and hung a left. The sign that said "no standing from 4-7" was about 20 ft up on the corner pole in tiny font. There was also scaffolding over the sidewalk on the corner. So not only could I not see the sign when I drove up to my spot but I had absolutely no chance at seeing this sign when I got out of my car and walked right beneath it. Way to go, New York!
After making my way down to the impound lot (I had to walk 17 blocks) I realized I couldn't afford the $185 to redeem my car. So I had to come back on Wednesday. By the way, if I didn't pick up my car before 4pm I'd be charged an extra $20.
So I went back to work which at that point had ceased because everyone was just watching the Yankees tattoo a one-legged Curt Schilling. The Yanks won 10-7 and I thought I couldn't feel any worse.
Oh but I was wrong. I forgot to mention I had also lost $8 playing poker earlier in the day. Granted that's hardly anything but it's just insult to injury at this point.
But there was still more to come. Because when I finally picked up my car Wednesday afternoon I realized that they did in fact ticket my car for being parked in a "no standing" zone. So tack on another $115.
I finally get home and there's mail waiting for me on my desk. Wudya know, my student loan invoice is in!! I owe Sallie Mae $6600! Woooooo! Oh wait, what's that? Jason, check your email for even more bad news? The job you wanted at HBO was taken by some other overachieving suckass? So assuming this speeding ticket is around $150 (it'll probably be more seeing as "I was driving" 25mph over the speed limit), this past 36 hours cost me $470 plus the fact that I owe Sallie Mae over six grand.
Yup, these 36 hours could not have gone any worse short of my parents being Laci Peterson'ed. What? Was that an insensitive joke? Ah, bite me. Oh by the way, Jason, the Yankees' overachieving "ace" Jon Lieber just shut down the Sox to take a 2-0 lead! I'd love to stay and depress you even more with the trials and tribulations that are my life but I've got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple minutes. Yea, they called me at home.
PS - I'd like to acknowledge that I probably jinxed the Sox with my previous column. For that I apologize to every Sox fan. I am the biggest idiot there is. You're welcome New York.
PPS - If somehow Boston comes back and sweeps the weekend and wins the series or something. Um, well then suck it.
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