Dear Yankee Fans: Say Chowduh

Anyone that follows baseball either loves or hates the New York Yankees. If you hate them, good for you - you already know why they should be hated. If you love them you're either a "born-n-bread" New Yorker or someone that wishes they were. Either way, 9 times out of 10, you're both annoying. Here's a question to all Yankee fans: did you follow the team as closely as you say you do now back in the 80's and early 90's when they were terrible? Odds are many of you did not, regardless of how old you are. In which case, you are one of those Yankee fans (which there are tons of) that I will, for lack of article space to fully describe how weak you are, simply refer to as "Douchebags."

Now please let me explain myself. I know plenty of both types of Yankee fans - the real ones that stuck by their team through the depressing "Don Mattingly was the only guy I can remember besides maybe a coked up Dwight Gooden and to a lesser extent Dave Righetti" era...and the Douchebags. The Douchebags are the Yankee fans that only get up to cheer for New York when they're either A) playing the Red Sox or B) in the playoffs. Otherwise they put their periwinkle blue Yankees fitted cap or bubblegum pink designer velour Yankees visor back in their closet next to their "insert generic musical group that was commercially successful for 5 months and then died because everyone realized they suck" cd. Yea I could have simply said these people are the fairweather fans but that'd be way too concise and I'm voting for Kerry so I mean, c'mon.

The main problem with the Douchebags is that they have this certain arrogance to them. This certain "I'm never worried even if the Yanks are down by 5 with 2 innings to go" confidence. It's really quite annoying and it's personified perfectly by Derek Jeter's smug grin. You just want to stick that smirky face in a meatgrinder or something. Honestly, everytime they show Joe Torre in the dugout with that lifeless expression as if to say, "I know we're losing right now but since I sold my soul to Satan I can just sit here knowing we'll find some storybook way to miraculously win" I want to vomit in an envelope and mail it to him. All Yankee fans share this arrogant mindset. Every single one. And what's worse is that if for some reason God intervenes and let's the Evil Empire lose, all those fans will find some way to bitch and complain about it. "How dare the Yankees not win a World Series every year?! We're from New York! We're supposed to be the kings of everything."

Basically every Yankee fans shares this cockiness. The difference between the real fans and the Douchebags is that sometimes, sometimes the real fans actually feel a little worried and show some emotion like "whew, that was close" if the Yanks come back to win. They're the silent ones in the room during an extra innings game. The Douchebags will just mock the TV and other Yankee-haters with comments like, "down by 2 in 9th? Please, Bernie will hit a 3-run bomb. No problem. Hey Tony, turn that up, I love Creed!" Now the sad part is, that kind of ending happens so often that the Douchebags feel justified to feel that way. Their arrogance is justified. Some real Yankee fans say, "damn, I was getting nervous there but I know Bernie hits lefties well so I had a good feeling." Sometimes real Yankee fans may show the slightest bit of respect to others...sometimes. But in the end, both types are obnoxious and both will treat a Yankees hat like it's the American flag. You're not allowed to insult it and it's "what baseball is all about." Well if you read my Blueprint for a Homerun article, you'd know that the Yankees symbolize everything that's wrong with baseball. So...

Bless off Yankee fans. Your owner spends over $150 million every year to buy the best players in the league to win a World Series and if for some reason a real, in every sense of the word, TEAM beats you, you make excuses and after bitching for a month go back to assuming you'll win next year. In 2001 the Arizona Diamondbacks did it in the World Series. In 2002 the Anaheim Angels did it en route to a World Series championship. Last year the upstart Florida Marlins did it in the World Series. And this year everything will be corrected in this universe.

For the 4th year in a row the New York Yankees will fail to win a World Series. All the planets will align and the Boston Red Sox will beat you en route to World Series championship. The c*rse will end and it will all be your fault New York. It will be satisfying to know that every Yankee fan will have to deal with the fact that they're the ones that let the c*rse break. No more 19*8 chants. Every real Yankee fan will be crying on the inside with the look of disbelief on the outside. Every Douchebag will say, "It's bullshit. They got robbed! Whatever, it's football season anyway." No more smirks. No more cocky assholes. The New York Yankees will lose to the Boston Red Sox and every single one of you that struts around like you own baseball will know what it feels like to be just another loser. And this time it was Beantown. Say chowduh Yankee fans. Say chowduh.

Boston in 6