...On Broooooaaaadwaaayy - let me tell you about musicals. I can't stand them. I dislike everything about them. And yet, I've actually been to 2+. I saw one that I can hardly remember with my grandmother when I was like 10. The only thing I remember about that experience was they had some kickass Tang. You remember that stuff? Tang? Aw man, I remember we used to drink that stuff all the time at snack after school. It was usually supplemented quite perfectly with peanut butter crackers. Not the stupid Ritz processed ones, but the ones you made yourself with Saltines and Skippy. Those were the days...
Anyway, the second time I went to a musical was freshman year of high school. I was forced. We were reading Billy Shakespeare's The Tempest and the school's dramatose coordinators...er, thespians, were performing said play. Yea, I know there really isn't much singing in this one as compared to say, Phantom of the Opera or Rent, or bah, I can't even think of anymore. Nevertheless I remember being bored out of my skull watching this pile of crap. And not to say that the people who performed it sucked. For my money they did a great job. I just don't like my stories sung in glitzy, overdramatic fashion. Isn't that what we have Wham for? I mean, hell, I know they're from the 80's but isn't that enough pizaz for like 30 years?
(By the way, while I'm writing this I'm watching the Japanese and Chinese men's gymnastics from the Olympics. Give me a men's carryall, a Fresca, and a townhouse in Frisco and I'll have fully converted.)
And so you might be wondering about that little + after the 2. Well tonight I was bringing a little bouquet to a friend for a friend but I had to sit and watch the last 20 minutes. I had gone to the "backstage" area to look for my friend but the snotty little middle school punks that they are told me I had to wait til the production ended. At this point I was thinking two things. The first being: "uuggghhhhhh". The second being: "dude, you're 13, shut up, stop picking your nose, and find the girl I'm looking for." So I sat through the last 20 minutes of Footloose and as I expected, the kids put on a helluva show. They all did a great job. It's too bad I don't care. I could never sit through another. It's just not possible.
I don't care how "funny" or great the singing is or acting or whatever. I just don't care. I don't ever want to hear my storylines sung. It's just not appealing to me. It's so distracting for one. You're taking a perfectly good story (which are few and far between) and sucking the life out of it by adding song and dance. Some may say singing and dancing only enhances the emotions of the story but I just get distracted. Plus it just looks stupid to me. I mean, people don't sing to each other in regular everyday dialogue; it's not normal. Maybe that means I'm boring - I don't know.
I mentioned a phrase earlier - dramatose. That's what it is to me. Plays and musicals bore me so much I compare them to being in a coma. See, but in a coma you can create your own stories and visuals. Oo, yea, that's right...go ahead and tie me up hot blonde girl from Quintuplets. But instead we got people prancing around on stage looking like a bunch of fools hopped up on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy in pill form.
I've got an idea though. How about a musical that makes fun of musicals? We could use Kelsey Grammer and John Goodman and let's throw in Anna Nicole Smith for good measure. Watching them trying to sing and dance alone would be hilarious. In fact, this musical wouldn't really have to be about anything. It could just be Grammer and Goodman slinging jokes at Smith while she waddles across the stage going, "eeeeeehhhh" all to the music of Iron Maiden. (6!..6!..6!..the number of the beast!) Then cap it all off with that Japanese guy who eats like 52 hot dogs in 10 minutes eating pig uteruses a la Fear Factor while Goodman, Grammer, and Smith funnel Natty Ice pints. Then Richard Simmons comes outta nowhere with a hose and douses five retardedly hot women with Kool-Aid for absolutley no reason at all. Now that I would see.
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