51 Excuses for Drooling On Yourself

Last Friday I was bored. We're talkin' real bored. So as I'm flipping through the channels at around 9pm I see it: the opening credits for the Miss Teen USA pageant. Now I'm 22, so I'm allowed to think naughty thoughts about these girls. At one point, and I kid you not, I caught myself drooling a little bit. Guess which part of the show that was.

The funny part about the swimsuit competition is that by that time they've narrowed the field down to 10 girls from 51. (For some reason they have to include the District of Columbia.) You can faintly hear Puerto Rico and Guam throwing pebbles at the window to the bedroom of "the people who actually give a rat's ass". But anyway, I found it strangely amusing that within 5 minutes of the live broadcast, 35 of the girls were dismissed. Your very slight physical imperfections and crappy make-up job and/or annoying (and possibly fake) accent have gotten you booted before the competition has even started. Way to go South Dakota!

(Honestly guys, there was not one girl there that didn't make me say "daaaaaamn". Even you New Hampshire.)

So I tuned in right when the show started and NBC does its cute little intro where all the girls say who they are, how old they are, and where they're from. After these credits, I knew who my horse, I mean girl was - well I had a VP, but Miss Nevada was slightly higher up on the strokability scale than Miss New Jersey. She's absolutely stunning. It's something when you can say that about a girl when she's being compared to 50 other outrageously beautiful girls such as these. (I'll stop kissing ass now, I swear.)

Now to the highlights of the show itself. We'll take a little detour and start with the musical performances. The first performer was introduced by TRL's host (you're already doing one of these: "uggghhh") - "He broke onto the scene a few years ago with the supergroup NSYNC." Now you're thinking, "There is nothing good that can follow that sentence." She continues, "Here to perform a song off his awesome debut album Schizophrenic, JC Chasez!" And the night has hit rock bottom. After a completely awful rendition of some song no one knows or will ever care about we got back to the action only to be later visited by Brandy. In her introduction she was dubbed "multi-talented" by the TRL host who actually won the Miss Teen USA pageant in 1998. Her career has not surprisingly gone down since then. Anyway, since when is Brandy multitalented? Did I miss something? She sings. What else does she do? Oh, right - she acts. Moesha doesn't count. If it's on the WB, it never really happened as far as I'm concerned (Katie Holmes is the exception). So she's about as multi-talented as a doorknob. I know there's one or two wiseasses out there that are trying to come up with other uses for a doorknob just to piss me off. And I've already thought of the one-stop workout center Jerry's dad used in the Kenny Rogers Roasters episode of Seinfeld. So save it, punk!

Isn't this column about a pageant? Oh, right. Did I mention there were 51 teenage girls (most of them legal, booyah!) that make Britney Spears look like a trashy Vegas showgirl working the graveyard shift at...oh...The Boardwalk (ewwww)? If you don't get that then you've never been to Vegas. So go, and don't miss the dollar Mich's at Casino Royale and piano bar at Harrah's. You won't not pay the dueling pianists $5 to play "Come On Eileen", I swear!

I'm sorry, another tangent. I swear I'll stay on target from here on out. I actually made a checklist of the all the points I wanted to make. What's next?....Ah yes. Now at the point this 15 girls were whittled down to 10. One of the selected was Miss New York at which point, presumably her relatives, stood up clapping and cheering wildly. This doesn't seem out of place right? No, except that these relatives were crazy, musclehead Guidos. Just imagine a New York City bouncer with that crazy look in his eye when he kicks your sorry ass out after you try to pass off a crappy Jersey fake. I thought these guys were gonna pick up chairs and plunk Miss Minnesota's mother in the back of the head.

These pageants boast year after year of crappy judges no one has ever heard of (Miss Nevada got robbed!). And this year was no exception. I'm trying to remember some of the names of these clowns but only a couple of the 10 come to mind. Some blonde woman from Days of Our Lives, Carolyn from The Apprentice, and the "totally super, thanks for asking" Ross Matthews from the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I'm not sure what Ross does on Leno's show but I'm sure it's got him making fashion critiques in that "it's ok to act this spunky 'cause I'm gay'" routine. I have no problem with you playing grab-ass with other, as The Governator says, girly men, but that doesn't warrant you to act like a bubbly bimbo with zero personality. Get a clue dude and help yourself to an F-in' textbook. (Dey tuk rrr jiiibbbbs!!!!)

A couple more things to mention and I'll wrap this up. I knew there was a Miss Congeniality award voted on by all the girls but apparently there's a Photogenic award that "you the viewer" got to vote on via the internet. I guess you were supposed to have A) remembered this pageant existed B) stumbled onto NBC's website and 3) cared enough to look at 51 pictures of drop dead gorgeous teenage girls. Ok, so maybe it wasn't all bad but still, how is the Photogenic award any different than the Miss Teen USA award? Last time I checked teenage girls weren't exactly the most eloquent or worldly at least compared to the average adult (excluding Arkansas and West Virginia).

And lastly, can we all agree to stop thanking God? I'm sure he appreciates it and all but even he's got to be sick of being thanked for everything. Is there a way we can organize a mass thank you to God so that no one has to ever say it again? Not only will average people not get sick of hearing it, but the MTV Video Music awards would be cut down by an average of 37 minutes from the trimmed acceptance speeches.

So in the end, Miss Nevada did not win; she finished as the second runner-up. Miss Louisiana edged out Miss Hawaii and my VP Miss New Jersey didn't make it past the final 10. But it's ok, you're still my Miss Teen USA Helen Marie Salas from Nevada. You can call me anytime...except from 11am-noon. That's when The View is on.