Imagine, if you will, this statement: "Maura raises 2200...queen of diamonds on the turn..." in an annoying bingo announcer/Al Capone type voice. Yea, I've been watching Celebrity Poker on Bravo. I got sucked in. Not to say that I don't like poker (Texas Hold 'Em t0 be exact) but I don't usually get off to watching it on TV. However this past Sunday was different. It was this or the Olympics and frankly I wasn't in the mood for women's 100m breaststroke after watching the U.S. men's basketball team get anally violated by Puerto Rico. (That's a whole other column)
So as it was, I was transfixed, watching every hand, studying every move. Being an amateur, it was interesting to learn some of the tricks of the trade including, but not limited to, how to bluff when your best card is a deuce, how to flirt and distract the other players with my cleavage, and how to exploit the powers of an autographed David Copperfield head shot to intimidate my opponents.
(Personally I'd use a signed picture of Lindsay Lohan. Her stock can only go up. Just like my...)
...chip count after my opponents get distracted and lose the hand. God, you are sick, you know that?
I'm not sure I can even finish this column now. No...no, I'll be ok. I bet you're wondering who won. Well if you reeeeaally need to know, it was Maura Tierny. Who the hell is that, you ask? She's the cute in a pseudo nerdy yet administratively scary type of way actress from Newsradio. Does that make sense? I don't care, it does to me. Please tell me you're not thinking of girl everyone mistakes for Kathy Griffin. This is Maura - and she lost to the also very cute Lauren Graham of Gilmore Girls. The championship also included Dulé Hill, Michael Ian Black, and Rosario Dawson. Not a bad group considering Rosario Dawson is one of the most underrated hotties in The Biz. Plus Michael Ian Black always funny in his own I think I missed my daily medication kind of way.
In the end I did learn many ways to play better. And I got a few good laughs plus there was plenty of money to go to charities. The only thing this game was missing was the über-serious player. How funny would it have been to add someone so dead serious about winning, possibly not realizing the money wasn't going to charity, that it made the other players uncomfortable. Let's see, who would be a good person for this. It's gotta be someone really desperate for the money. Their career is in the crapper and they need this to just pay the electric bill. A B, maybe C level celebrity. I got it - Andy Dick.
Now I love Andy. I think he's hilarious for the same reasons many people hate him. But I can see him being so concerned with the money that he'd flip his top. Man, that'd be great. He's so wierd and quirky that it'd freak out the women who play. Damn, I love awkard moments.
Now if we could just get Will Ferrall performing as Harry Carey and Norm MacDonald as Burt Reynolds to host we'd be in business.
Harry: Hey Norm, if you were the King of Hearts, could you tell me why you'd stick a sword in your head? Why would ya do it, Norm?
Burt: Yea Harry, my name's...
Harry: It's a simple question, Norm. If you were the King of Hearts, what would drive you to put a sword in your head? I know I wouldn't do it. I think you should go to doctor immediately, Norm. Ya got a couple screws loose.
Burt: Yea uh...that's some crazy hair ya got there. Yea, it's uh...it's funny 'cause it's crazier than normal hair, huh, yea.
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