I played one of the most agonizing rounds of golf of my life yesterday. Not only did I shoot a 98 but I played the first 12 holes in a little over 3 hours. That's long. Way too long. The reason I say "the first 12 holes" is because I told the two men I was playing with that I was going to play through so that I could "finish before before the sun went down." Though that's correct, you could also say it was because these men were by far the slowest golfers I'd ever seen.
Frank and Gabe. Now these two guys were about 60-65 years old and very Jewish, not that I'll hold it against them. I've got nothing against Jews but let me tell you, if there was ever someone to demonstrate a stereotype, these guys were it. Let's put it this way, on the 12th hole at the Longshore Golf Club, there is a pond. Frank hit a ball in but tee'd another up and hit it in the rough. So as we're walking to our balls (ha, he said balls) I go to hit my third shot and I look back. Gabe is picking out balls from the pond. "Hmmm," I thought, "alright he's just getting Frank's ball for him." Five minutes later I'm on the green and I look back and see Gabe still at the goddamn pond fishing out balls.
Frank! It's just a golf ball. They cost like $1.50 a ball. And I know you're not buying Titleists. Not to mention the damn thing's been collecting algae and whatever other disgusting stuff is in that sorry excuse for a pond.
I swear to God. While I was busy scoring one of my two 9's on the day, Gabe here is busy fishing for Top Flite XL's instead of playing the damn sport. I was ready to flip.
Another reason we took forever to play were the little things. Gabe hit an errant tee shot on the 10th and then hit a second right down the middle. He takes about, I swear to God, 7 minutes to look for his first ball before finally finding after another duffer on the adjacent hole (who had one foot in the grave) pointed it out. I had hit my ball 4 times by the time he finally got to his. Gabe, it's just a golf ball - can we pick up the pace just a little? Meanwhile, good old Frank is munching on some pretzels without a care in the world...not readying his own shot, not helping Gabe, just standing next to my bag munching on pretzels. After a few minutes of standing there with him I went looking for Gabe's ball as well. I couldn't find it and I was getting sick of taking so long to play the damn hole.
Throughout the round both of them would go to look for their ball but leave their golf bag on the opposite side of the hole. So once they found it they'd have to walk all the way back to their bag and get their club. Of course they left their bag there and would have to go back to get it after their shot. And they never had the competence to bring their putter along with them for once they got on the green. It amazes me the amount of time wasted throughout the round on absolutely stupid stuff like this. Imagine this in heavy Jewish accents.
Gabe: Can ya find it Frank? Use-uh tree wood...
Frank: It's ova hereyuh somewheruh.
Gabe: Use-uh tree wood!
Frank: Whaaat??
Sweet tapdancing Christ. I wanted to shoot myself. Three times I would be on the green waiting for them to stop lollygagging around the hole...sitting. Yea, that's right, sitting on the green like a goddamned bum. People on other holes would look over with confusion to see me sitting on the green with my head down. (Sigh)
Don't get me wrong, these guys were very nice. It's just...well, I could never stand to endure more than 5 minutes with them on a golf course ever again. It's the equivalent of watching She's All That with two 17 year-old girls. You already feel like it's never going to end and you're doing it with two people who give you a headache on top of it. Now I know how Gauge feels in some of those um...videos. Maybe it's a good thing you might now know what I'm talking about. We'll leave it at that.
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