The Excitement of the Olympics

It's 2:05am on Monday and I'm watching race-walking. Like many others of you without a life, I'm up flipping through the channels for something to watch and since the Olympics are on, I flipped through (in big booming announcer voice) "the networks of NBC" to MSNBC and found some (rare) live coverage. Yea, too bad it's live coverage of race-walking. Yes, apparently this is a sport.

There's two rules to the "sport", I guess to differentiate it from running. One is that all judging is based on the human eye. There is no instant replay or anything. Just a few judges that presumably race-walk along side the pelaton or mosey along on Razor scooters and make sure they don't break rule #2. This rule states that you must have both feet on the ground at all times and the lead leg must be straight (no bent knee) when the foot hits the ground. People, I'm not making this up. I'm watching this right now. It's a 20km race. But everyone is walking like they just ate about 27 Ex-Lax bars and there's only one porto-john. (Images of CKY, anyone?)

Now this is the women's race and they look like homosexual men sprinting to a Saks sale. Yea, I just said that. These women look like gay men because not even women usually look this prissy. Thank God I missed the men's race-walk. I wouldn't be able to contain the laughter.

This all begs the question: how is this an Olympic event let alone a sport? Dude, they're F'ing walking!!! This has got to be a joke. They showed the first standings through 2km and the first 20 "racers" all had the same time. Then the next 15 or so were 1 second behind. How are people judging this then? It's all a photo finish I guess. So now that I see what one of the summer games' sports is being wasted on, why not exchange it for a real sport for the 2008 Beijing games - one that many countries also play.

Some may say cricket. To that I say: "um, no. cricket is stupid, I don't care how many countries play it."

Some may say rugby. To that I say: "well, you're getting closer but I'd still rather watch paint dry than watch rugby."

The answer, folks, is be simple. Football...american football.

Do you realize how awesome this would be? Please, someone argue against this. Can you imagine some of those preliminary games? USA vs. Chinese Taipei? Hahahaha...this would be so funny. I can see Al Michaels and John Madden calling the action now.

Michaels: The Mongolians are set up in the shotgun...Tshai Fou Wang in motion...Thitian fires over the middle...oh what a hit by Ray Lewis! He absolutely clobbered him.
Madden: Boom! Ray Lewis is like a truck out there just running over the Mongolians like roadkill.
Michaels: John, we should point out that the Americans outweigh the Mongolians by 68%. This is the 3rd receiver in this quarter to be taken off on a stretcher.
Madden: I don't know who to put on the horsetrailer! It's a blowout, Al. We'll probably see Coach Bellichek bring in Ryan Leaf soon to keep it interesting.
Michaels: Yup, here comes the 4th team. I think I see Kijana Carter getting loose on the sidelines.

Would there be anyone opposed to this? Please. We have to get back some dignity as Americans after this year's debacle with our basketball "team". It'd be like the '92 Dream Team but with injuries galore. Not that I condone injuries but...um. Well, you know. People getting hurt is funny when it's not you. Yea, that's right. I went there.