The Over/Under: It's Either New or Wicked Sweet

I'm going to introduce a monthly column that will be posted (hopefully) on the first of every month of what I consider to be the most underrated and overrated "things" of the past month. I'm not really sure how long these will be. They could be short, they could be long. In fact, some may go on and on and on without anything remotely humorous not unlike a Jay Leno monologue (zing!). He's so new.

Being that today is August 2nd, I'm going to look back at the past month and rattle off some things that, in my opinion, are so overrated they make "slick" Willy's Democratic Convention speech look like John Kerry's.

(note to Bill: remember to remind wife and daughter to not sip champagne and chuckle in ignorance to John Edwards's speech making them look like the elitist Republican punks you've been bashing.)

With that said, let's get to the list!

Underrated

1. Paula Garces - she starred in Soap Operas and TV series' a plenty in the early 90's and I'm sure you all remember her in her motion picture lead debut in Clockstoppers. You've never heard of her?! Really?! Then you haven't seen Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle! She is scorchingly sexy in this hilarious flick featuring "that Asian kid from American Pie" and "that Indian dude from Van Wilder". Yea, I didn't know who she was before this movie either but I took it upon myself to check out her IMDB profile (I swear I'm not a stalker) and what did I find? She's 30...with a 12 year-old daughter. Um, excuse me? Baking powder? The girl doesn't look a day over 21. Dang girlfriend, I wanna know her secret!

2. Angus Steak Burger from Burger King - If you haven't tried this burger from the Rey de Hamburguesa (I'm not sure why I decided to type that in Spanish either), then well...try it foo, or Mr. T will pity you...with avengence! Ok, I'm not sure if he'll pity you with avengence. Regardless, if you like cheeseburgers and you like steak, this burger is the mad note. Heart attacks never tasted so good. And the kicker - you can either get it with sautaeed onions or melted chedder and bacon. Is anyone else remembering the scene in The Simpsons where Homer is lying down on the couch and sees this commercial?

[announcer in seductive voice] We take 18 oz. of sizzling ground beef and soak it in rich, creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the the Good Morning burger.

Yea, the angus steak burger is something like that. Mmmm, clogged arteries...

3. Conan's "Walker" lever - If you haven't been watching Late Night with Conan O'Brien for the past two months, you've completely missed one of the funniest bits of late night television history. Since General Electric bought Universal which owns the USA network which shows Walker: Texas Ranger, Conan can show clips from Walker whenever he wants without paying any royalties. So he had a lever built in to the side of his desk so that whenever he pulled it a "random" Walker clip would appear. It's pure genius and after a two or three week hiatus Conan brought it back last week. It's absolutely brilliant and nothing is funnier than Chuck Norris trying to act like a samurai/cowboy badass and failing miserably.

4. Nelly owns an NBA team - Well, not totally. He's part owner of the NBA's newest expansion team, the Charlotte Bobcats. The majority owner of the team is the founder of BET, Robert L. Johnson. I, for one, embrace this partnership. There aren't enough black sports owners in the league. And what better way to integrate that culture into the NBA than by adding rappers to the fold. With Jay-Z already owning part of the Brooklyn Nets (wait a year or two, kids), Nelly's acquisition seems logical. Finally team stores will be able to supply you with your very own Omeka Okafor silver pendant necklace. It'll be the NBA's new marketing strategy to make the game seem more appealing to urban lower-class citizens and the white, suburban, middle-class ones who they wish they were. Before you know it, Nelly and Jay-Z will have bliggity-bladowed so much bling-bling and flava into the NBA that David Stern won't look like so much of an elitist, incompetent assclown. He'll look like an elitist, incompetent assclown with some sweet-ass ice, son! Word.

Overrated

1. MTV - (I'm just shaking my head in disgust.) Anyway, this MUSIC television station bothers me. I can't help but notice (and I've been noticing for a long time) the absence of music on their programming schedule. As you might remember from my Newlyweds/Headbangers Ball piece, the station is stuffed with so much reality garbage it makes me want to ralph up my Tyson's chicken tenders that I had for lunch (By the way, Tyson's chicken tenders are an honorable mention this month for the Underrated category). Road Rules. Sucks. Real World. Sucks. Ashlee Simpson Show. She's cute but nobody cares about her CD despite it selling 300,000+ copies in its first week. Newlyweds. Hilarious but has nothing to do with music except Jessica's sporadic video shoot moments and Nick's lack of them. Pimp My Ride. So stupid. Room Raiders. Twisted and stupid. Does this channel provide any kind of music programming besides TRL, the Rock Countdown (which doesn't really have any good rock), and Direct Effect, the rap countdown show that no one I can think of would watch? What a clusterf%*@ that channel is.

2. Pepsi Edge/C2 - Enough of the carbs talk already! Why is everyone trying to suck the flavor out of all our food and drink? You know what fatties, just stop eating so much damn food! Go out and exercise. Play some basketball, go for a swim, service a hooker, something! These new fangled colas taste horrible. If you can imagine it, it's like drinking Pepsi or Coke flavored carbonated water that someone, who thinks this cola is the cure to their obesity, marinated in for 3 days. In the words of Dave Coulier aka Uncle Joey: Cut. It. Out.

3. I Love the 90's - I know what you're thinking. "Man, I could go for a Pepsi Edge right now." No! That is not the answer. You're probably also thinking, "But it was fun to reminisce about In Living Color, snap bracelets, and O.J." And you know what? I agree with that statement. But I think the only things that we could really be able to reminisce about are the things from 1990-1995. 1996-99 seems too close. I think the macarena is distant enough to bash, but not Tickle Me Elmo. And I still watch Swingers like it came out yesterday merely to pregame me for my trip to Vegas, c'mon! Can't we look back on this stuff when it's not so relevant?

4. Lance Armstrong - Dude, come on. Anyone can win 6 Tour de Frances in a row. You're just riding a bike. I used to do that aallllll the time. Wait a second...oh...it's over 2000 miles long through the Pyrenees and Alps? Oh, sorry. Strike this one. He's good or something.