Target May Have to Change Its Name

Yea, it's been awhile. I apologize. I've been caught up in some madness, some of it March related (yes, that is a college basketball reference). I've brought my services to CBS for the big college basketball tournament this time around which means I will be on the east coast through the first week of April. I know this makes my Los Angeles contingent very sad yet hopeful since it's now less than a month before I return to home base.

But until then I need to keep CPunchworld alive and kickin'. Here's a little something that was brought to my attention by a friend local to the story. I'll link to the news story right here so you know it's true (yea, it's that ridiculous) but I'll summarize here nicely for you kind readers.

Let me Rembrandt this for you in a very "Vantage Point" kind of way...

3:25 PM - Imagine you have a young daughter, let's she's three years old. And you're walking around your local Target perhaps shopping for household items or some electronics or maybe your daughter really wants this new toy or doll and you are feeling generous so you've taken her to get it. Everything's going swimmingly.

Then, out of nowhere, BAM! You've got knucklechildren all over you and your toddler. You are grossed out and yet so surprised by what's happened you have no idea what to do.

(Crazy reverse video montage with swirling music and then fade to black...)

3:25 PM - Imagine you are a guy in your late 20's. You head into Target to check out the latest DVD's. Suddenly you feel a strange urge. A sexual urge! You don't know what to do about and resort to your instincts. And since you're a sleazeball you decide masturbating in the middle of an aisle in Target is the best decision.

You're going at it vigorously presumably looking at the middle aged model on a vacuum cleaner box as "inspiration." Then all of a sudden a young woman and her daughter come strolling right into your landing zone and SPLASH! You've scarred a 3-year-old for life.

Now...

How about that? Does this story sound believable? Well it's damn true and damn disgusting. However, after you've been disgusted and feel bad for the mother and daughter you can't help but laugh your ass off at the complete absurdity of the situation.

When have you ever heard of something like this? Bums peeing on subway cars in New York? Yea, we've heard of that. Bums picking their nose and flinging said booger near your feet on the street corner? Yup, that too. I guess what I'm trying to say is, we accept that the homeless and disoriented will completely gross out the general public with bodily functions and overall disgusting habits. We accept this as normal even if it's completely disturbing.

But when a seemingly normal member of society takes part in one of these kinds of acts it's abominable. Why is that? Why do we automatically assume that just because someone has the capability to shave or to wear clean clothes and afford a cell phone that they don't possess ridiculously neanderthalistic qualities? Some people are just freakin' gross, man. That's what it is. And this guy, whoever the hell he is, is just plain gross.

The dude not only was whackin' it in public but in the middle of a retail store...during store hours...out on the sales floor (and not in the bathroom)...and ended up spurting all over a 3-year-old. I imagine that little girl was going to eventually have that experience in her life but ya know, maybe not till college and on her terms.

The authorities say the charges against the suspect will be "harassment and second-degree criminal mischief" and that "more serious charges may follow if evidence recovered from the crime scene reveals the suspect has a sexually transmitted disease."

(!?!?!?!)

Can you imagine if this guy had herpes? A study just came out that said one in four teen girls has a sexually transmitted disease. Now, I know girls might be more promiscuous these days and that this girl is only three but hey, don't rule out any way of getting VD now. I'm not sayin'; I'm just sayin'.

Harassment and second-degree criminal mischief. I hate these vague all-encompassing crime labels. Why not have a court of common sense try this guy? I'm pretty sure it'd be a swift trial and I'll bet anything the punishment is more appropriate. Here's how it would probably go:

Judge: Prosecutor, please state your case.
Prosecutor: Judge, this man masturbated and ejaculated on an innocent bystander and her 3-year-old daughter in the middle of a Target shopping store. I mean, come on!
Judge: Defense, your rebuttal?
Defense: Um, my client is very sorry.
Prosecutor: Judge, the guy jacked off on a 3-year-old!!
Defense: Yea...
Judge: Ok, I've made my decision. Young man, you are disgusting. As a punishment I am mandating that three very ugly women masturbate and ejaculate on you. And trust me, they'll be squirters.

Case closed, baby. The truth may be disgusting but sometimes you have to call it like you see it. And I've always believed in an eye for an eye. And in this case, well, you get the idea.