An Ode To Andy Rooney

You know what I don't get? Why Andy Rooney's still on 60 Minutes. I mean it's clear he hasn't formed a coherent sentence in 15 years.

My roommate started TiVoing 60 Minutes about a month ago. Never did before. I found it interesting but something about watching it left me a bit puzzled. As the years have gone on I've seen some of the reporters move on, retire, or pass away. But Andy's still there. He really has that same office? You'd have thought he'd get sick of the mahogany by now.

Every week we've recorded the program I've watched some fascinating stories and every week I imagine Andy has these thoughts:

"I've seen a story on coma patients coming out of it because of Ambien. I don't get how that works - that stuff always make me sleep like a baby. I've seen reports on the environment. I suppose we have to help mother nature out these days - in my day you just picked yourself up by your bootstraps. What's wrong mother nature? I've even seen a story on Will Smith, the African-American actor. I'll tell you, I've seen this Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and I don't think he's very fresh. That kind of humor might have been funny to inner city kids in the early nineties but it's not to me in the year 2007."

So after I've educated myself with some engaging television I always seemed surprised when I see one of the reporters introducing Andy Rooney. Maybe I subconsciously think he died five years ago. Maybe I just try to tune out the idea that he's still employed by Viacom. Lord willing. But every week there he is with more inane complaining.

Last week he was agitated by the amount of retail catalogs he got in the mail. Not sure why he was so peeved. Most people shop on the internet these days anyway. It's not like he'd have to look through the magazines to see what he'd want. And then when he's found it copy and write down the item number into the order form insert and then mail it out. This system of consumerism is very outdated - heck, I remember when I was a younger man. I ordered a few things out of catalogs. Never complained about it, really. In fact I kind of relish the thought of those more innocent, some might say primitive, times.

Not Andy though. He finds it annoying that companies like him so much that want to send him a little bit of Christmas, pardon me, Holiday cheer this season. I mean after all, his parents have surely passed on and any and all of his kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews have certainly stopped talking to or visiting him for years now. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if CBS without his knowing moved that mahogany desk and bookcase to a senior citizen's home and told him he was still at CBS studios. Never had to do that with one of my family - hope I never have to.

I guess I'll just have to keep dealing with kooky old man Rooney and his asinine ramblings. At the very least he's good fodder for these articles. And that's what really matters - my ability to make fun of others' shortcomings.