Everything's Fine In The Land of Status Quo

My roommate was watching the pre-show to the Republican Presidential debate on CNN when I walked in the living room tonight. I sat down and watched a couple minutes of the coverage and realized this was going to be too funny for me not to sit down and keep a running log of what transpired. Below is how it all went down.

5:00 PST - Here we go!!! Let's let some fat white guy introduce another white guy who happens to be the governor of Florida, Governor Charlie Crist.

5:03 - [Lights out - laser show and spotlights] And now...heeeere's your Republican nominees!! (Ok, that didn't really happen with the lights and lasers but it woulda been awesome.)

5:07 - CNN shows a montage of questions that we won't see. Most of these include questions from children and wanna-be comedy pieces. Kudos to CNN for showing some sense of responsibility. Yesterday they aired one of the questions that had been submitted. It was from a fifth grader. I said to myself, "yea, maybe I'd give a rat's ass what you have to say if, ya know, you could actually participate in the political process. But since you don't have pubes yet, I think I'll pass."

5:09 - First question comes from a guy who sings a song with a guitar. Um what? Get to the point dude. Oh wait, there wasn't a question. Great, way to waste my time.

5:13 - Bam! Bitchslap from Mitt Romney on Rudy Giuliani about New York being a sanctuary city for illegal immigrants. This baby starts off with a bang.

5:14 - Oh snap!! Giuliani slaps back: Romney paid illegal immigrants to clean his house!

5:15 - And Romney pops right back! It's getting crazy! Giuliani says: "If you're gonna take this 'holier than thou' attitude..." Man, they're loosening the lapels in St. Pete tonight!

5:17 - Fred Thompson's alive! "I will not grant amnesty to illegals already here." I think Fred just offered me a Werther's Original.

5:20 - John McCain apparently doesn't remember what he does in the Senate.

5:21 - What a surprise, everyone wants a secure border! Now back to The Obvious Show.

5:23 - Tom Tancredo says everyone's trying to Out-Tancredo him! When Dennis Kucinich seems like the sane one...

5:25 - "It's nice to listen to people make statements." - Duncan Hunter. Thanks for coming out.

5:27 - Mike Huckabee speak good. He's pleasing. I feel like he's reading me a book like when I was in 2nd grade. You know, like he'll read the passage and really get into characters and make you really dive into the story. Only problem is he never shows you the illustrations.

5:30 - Huckabee laying down the hammer to Romney when being accused of giving illegal immigrants breaks on college tuition! "We can't punish children for their parent's crimes." But we can punish children for not being Caucasian. Pardon me? We can't? Oh...nevermind then.

5:32 - Ron Paul talks about the international highway and the North American Union non-conspiracy. And no one argued him. Hmmm.

5:35 - McCain makes a bear sex joke! Oh baby, it's gettin' wild down there. McCain doesn't wanna spend a dime. Presumably because he's secretly spent all his money on bear prophylactics.

5:36 - Romney agrees with McCain on the spending problem. Weren't the "everyone agrees" debates like 10 months ago?

5:37 - "Oo, oo! I'm here too," says Giuliani. Playing the Ronald Reagen card. Too bad McCain just played it himself.

5:38 - Intelligent spending question from a girl in LA. Thompson wants social security reform. I just want social security.

5:38 - "Washington didn't change me," says Ron Paul. Paul wants to get rid of pretty much every federal program. I can't say I disagree with him. Less government, baby. Go get 'em Ronnie!

5:39 - Huckabee wants to get rid of the IRS. Woo, no more taxes!! "More people are more afraid of an audit than a mugging in this country." Preach on! Oh wait, he used to be a pastor? Well, isn't that ironically humorous of me.

5:40 - People are both booing and cheering McCain for saying Paul supports World War II...in so many words. Paul refuses to be called an isolationist and fights back calling McCain a balding doodyhead. Ok, I may have made that up.

5:46 - Romney is pro-farmer. Put it on a bumper sticker!!

5:49 - Tom Tancredo likes making crappy YouTube commercials about himself foxey boxing Hillary Clinton. Oh, Tom.

5:51 - Duncan Hunter says buying American-made toys for Christmas will save soldiers' lives.

5:52 - Fred Thompson likes to make jokes about Mike Huckabee in his YouTube commercial. However Huckabee comes back with a good barb, "My old pastor used to say, 'if you're getting kicked in the rear at least you know you're still in front.'" That crafty Huckabee!

5:54 - We hit our first commercial break nearly an hour in. Biggest reactions so far go to Ron Paul and John McCain. Everyone is pretty much sticking to the same old song and dance. Paul hates pretty much every federal program. McCain panders to anything troop related because he knows no one doesn't support them. And when the Iraq talk starts in a little bit you'll be sure to hear Giuliani singing his 9/11 song.

5:59 - Duncan Hunter supports owning a gun. In fact, America ain't America if you don't own a gun. Oh dear...

6:01 - Dumbass gun question to Giuliani. It's a softball: why do you want a written exam for people to get guns if we're allowed to get them via the 2nd amendment? Oh I don't know, maybe to stop crazy people from owning one! Thankfully Giuliani sort of said this....but doesn't properly or completely explain it. Which is why he's a political retard.

6:04 - John McCain knows how to use a gun. Wow, really?

6:05 - Duncan Hunter wants you to know exactly what guns he owns. He's pretty proud of this.

6:07 - Mitt Romney doesn't understand black America. Someone get the Mayor of Baltimore on the phone!

6:09 - A girl named Journey from Texas just asked an abortion question. Ron Paul thinks states should set their own abortion laws. Everyone follows suit. Remarkably there wasn't a Sopranos/"Don't Stop Believing" joke. I'm absolutely floored by this.

6:12 - Mitt Romney wants to outlaw all abortion. A decade ago he said the exact opposite. Either Mitt is confused or really likes ping pong.

6:14 - Mike Huckabee disagrees with Jesus - the death penalty is appropriate sometimes. This has gotta dock some points off your tally dunnit?

6:15 - Tancredo gets religious on us when asked what would Jesus do in regards to the Capital Punishment debate. "I would pray to Jesus." Great, way to defer responsibility, Tom.

6:17 - Giuliani says he reads the Bible frequently. I bet his three ex-wives would be able to contest that fairly easily.

6:18 - Someone asks a blunt question: "Do you believe every word in the Bible?" Huckabee knows how to answer the question whereas Romney stutters by repeating, "I believe in the word of God." I wish I had Mike with me when I wanted to convince a girl to go to bed with me. The man makes you believe he believes what he says even if it's outlandish.

6:20 - Second commercial. Poop break!

6:24 - Giuliani calls Islam a great religion. Way to be edgy, Rudy.

6:25 - Oh man! Our first 9/11 reference from Giuliani....and there's another within 15 seconds!! Here comes the lightning round of 9/11 references. I'm so giddy!!

6:26 - McCain apparently thinks we're winning in Iraq. And once again let's thank the troops. Ok, we get it John.

6:28 - Romney stumbling over his words again trying to deny waterboarding is torture. Here comes McCain to scold him.

6:33 - Fred Thompson says oil prices will rise because he envisions Iran in our military future. I thought Dick Cheney was the fear monger?

6:36 - Ron Paul compares Vietnam to Iraq. Mixed reactions from the crowd. Tancredo may actually have a point here by saying that just leaving wouldn't necessarily mean radical Islam wouldn't follow us home. That's not very funny, Tom. Way to kill that sweet Ron Paul buzz I was getting.

6:39 - Wow, someone in Colorado asks Giuliani point blank why he uses 9/11 as his platform to the White House. His response? Apparently we're supposed to vote based on his record. Although I'm not sure anyone knows what that is since all he ever talks about is 9/11.

6:42 - Last commercial break. No one has sold me on anything thus far. Well except for Mike Huckabee's public speaking skills. I might really need him out on the club scene.

6:48 - Duncan Hunter hates the gays and assumes all soldiers would get all homophobic and do their jobs poorly. Oh jeeze.

6:49 - Romney flip flops on accepting gays in the military. What a freakin' politician. He never gives a real answer. He and John Kerry probably play golf together. Hell, they're both from (M)Assachussetts.

6:51 - A gay 74-year-old says every candidate on the panel has failed to answer his "why can't gays be in the military" question. Everyone on the panel says the soldiers wouldn't be able to be professional and do their jobs properly because of the imminent "distraction". The 74-year-old disagrees: he was also a veteran of 42 years.

6:53 - Chuck Norris, in attendance, laughs at a Mike Huckabee joke. I think we (I) just climaxed.

6:57 - Some guy in Denver asks who will support sending a human to Mars. Somehow no one laughs at this question.

6:58 - Wait a second. Tancredo thinks it's a serious question. Wow, he actually said something good - we shouldn't waste money on something like this. Whew!

6:59 - Great question from a black guy in LA - why don't we [black people] vote for you [Republicans]? Giuliani stumbles through an answer that doesn't answer the question but says how great he is at helping poor people. Somehow I'm not sure George Jefferson gives a shit.

7:01 - Wow, pretty unanimous agreement on the idea that the stars & bars [the confederate flag] shouldn't be shown in public. Why this was even a topic of discussion is beyond me.

7:07 - Starting to yawn...

7:08 - Ron Paul stickin' it to everyone. Way to go out with one last bang, Ron.

7:10 - Giuliani wants you to know the Yankees won four championships while he was mayor and none when he left office. Oh, and Mitt Romney doesn't know how many years the Red Sox went without winning a championship. He said 87 - it was 86.

7:12 - The debate is over and not a minute too soon. I'm still not voting for anyone here but I did enjoy keeping this running diary. Why did I wait until this debate to do this? The TV happened to be on the channel when it started.

Maybe I'll do a running diary of a Democratic debate soon. Then again, maybe I won't. Now where's my Communist Manifesto?