The United States of America is fan-f**king-tastic. Ok, maybe not that great but surely the idea that America represents and the attitude it instills in one is fan-f**king-tastic. Don't believe me? Listen to this story about one young boy who had the courage, strength, and determination to get what he wanted no matter the obstacles in his way. This little boy is three-year-old Robert Moore from Antigo, Wisconsin.

You might be asking yourself, "Wait a minute Jason, since when did you give a rat's ass about little kids...from Wisconsin for that matter?" Always, my child, always. Sometimes adults insult the people they adore. Seriously. It stems from the same logic as "I hit her because I love her", "no means yes", and "you must believe the Bible is literal."

And even though I poke fun at people from bumblef**k, America sometimes and the innocent ignorance of children (they're so adorable!), there are plenty of examples to prove that there are, contrary to popular belief, midwesterners that aren't ignorant, incompetent boobs or that all children aren't annoying. It's true. I wouldn't lie to you.

Now back to the point. This young boy proved to me why America truly is great. They say children are innocent and unaware of the complexities and stressful burdens of our world today
and that may be true. But don't tell a little kid he's not stressed and burdened with a complex situation when he gets his most desired prize stuck in a toy vending machine at the mall.

Young Robert was with his three siblings and grandmother shopping when he saw it. A plush toy in one of those claw vending machines. The prize? You guessed it: a stuffed Sponge Bob Squarepants. Grandmother, being a grandmother, gave Robert a dollar for the machine. He tried to get the toy but lost it. He was sure he could get it. Grandmother said she'd give him another dollar to try again but when she turned around from rummaging through her purse she didn't see her grandson next to the machine. No, young Robert took matters into his own hands. He somehow cat-into-a-fish-bowl'ed himself through the little opening where only bigger kid's (and my) arms get stuck and managed to crawl into the machine among all the prizes.

Robert's grandmother was horrified and contacted the security who for some reason didn't have a key to open the machine. The fire department was called and after shimmying open the framework just enough, handed three-year-old Robert a screwdriver to unscrew the final screws holding the machine together. How F'ing unbelievable is that? A three-year-old saw what he wanted, missed it on the first try, and didn't think twice about climbing up inside the machine to get his toy. Robert you are a hero. Brilliant, creative, daring, agile.

Robert's story isn't just a story. It's a symbol. A symbol for all Americans and anyone else aspiring to achieve what they dream of. I suppose for Mexicans it would be to be Americans...go figure. Never let anything stop you. A nine by nine inch hole and Plexiglas didn't stop Robert. He wasn't going to let his grandmother spend another dollar in the hopes that hey might get his coveted Sponge Bob. Oh no, he kicked ass and took names. No one was stopping him. Well...except the fire department, mall security, and apparently his grandmother. Robert didn't leave with the Sponge Bob. He didn't leave with anything. His valiant effort and I-won't-be-denied attitude got him his Sponge Bob. A daring and miraculous effort was, in the end, not rewarded.

You know what I say? Robert, someday you'll get your Sponge Bob. It may not be an actual Sponge Bob plush but you'll get what you're after. Karma, my good friend, karma. You may not realize it now but one day you'll get something you really, really want but cannot attain and then bam! There it is. Because you fought for it; you earned it. And that my friends is what you all need to do. Take a lesson from young Robert here. He wanted that Sponge Bob and damnit, he should be watching his dog dryhump it right now. Instead he has to let his dog dryhump his leg. That's no way to live. Follow Robert's example and don't let anything get in your way. Now cue "You're the Best Around" and a still frame of young Robert jumping up in the air with his fist raised on the beach during a sunset. America, f**k yea.