Gangbanging Your Mind...With Knowledge

I've got one question to ask you: don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? I'm sorry. That stupid Heineken ad keeps playing and now the song is stuck in my head. In between Tonight Show tapings (yea, I work for it now) and binge drinking I find little time to watch the boob tube these days. However, when I do, this stupid ad keeps popping up. It's for Heineken's new light beer. Isn't that a contradiction? The day I buy a light German beer is the day I promise to stop making racial jokes...and mean it. It just ain't in the cards, man.

(Which reminds me. In honor of the Chinese President's arrival to the U.S., don't you think we should have blasted "Who Let the Dogs Out?" when he got off the plane? Get it? President Hu? And the Chinese eat dog? Baaahh.)

I had a few thoughts recently that somewhat perplexed me. For one, why isn't there brail on money? Think about that for a minute. How often is Blindey McCantsee runnin' around buying a pack of gum with a 20 and getting four bucks in change? Someone's gotta be getting ripped off. There's no way people are honest enough not to screw with blind people on this issue. If we'll steal shortbuses from them (see Road Trip) then we'll certainly gyp them of a few bucks at the cash register. There's got to be a way to correct this. I want to help out these poor bastards that have to rely on those little red and white wands to maneuver through the streets. So where's the Braille? Think about it, America.

Do you think if there were a hotsauce with the brand name Nagasaki that'd be racially insensitive?

Kim Basinger has to be the most boring person on the face of the planet. She was on the Tonight Show earlier in the week. First of all, no, she's not dead. I know, I was surprised too. So she's on the show and instead of talking about her new movie The Sentinal she decides she'd rather talk about one of her most favorite fetishes. And that's all fine and dandy. Assuming her fetish was along the lines of foxy boxy, hot-oil wrestling, and such and such. But instead it was boxes. Get those lesbianic thoughts out of your head, kiddies. I'm talking about corrugated cardboard boxes. She spent her seven minutes talking about boxes and bags and what makes them "good" and then proceeded to explain how saving things is stupid. She had three reasons why saving anything at all was dumb yet she couldn't remember two of them. The one that she could remember was that saving things made you "selfish". Apparently keeping pictures of your family from the past is selfish. Apparently saving family heirlooms and old toys and antiques and books is a huge fopaux. Let's put it this way, the fact that Alec Baldwin is the interesting one in this relationship leaves me a little worried. He's amusing in small doses (shweaty balls) but other than that this couple really brings nothing to the table. Oh, but L.A. Confidential was good...

If your friend has sex with a handicapped girl does she have Going-Down Syndrome?

New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin is at it again. He's threatening to sue everyone associated with the New Orleans Hornets NBA basketball team. The coaches, the players, the staff, the front office. All of them. Why? Because they had a pretty decent season after sucking really badly for three years. Here's a quote from an angry New Orleans native/fan:

"I have had to sit through season after crappy season watching this team get laughed off the court time and time again. Well, actually it has only been three seasons, but it felt like a decade. Now, the minute they leave town, they put together a dream season in which they almost won as many games as they lost [39-43]. Spoiled athletes, makes me sick, just sick. I bet none of them players has ever scooped up 100 pounds of krill with an oversized net in their life."

Ain't that the truth!

Let me put this in perspective for you. Since Hurricane Katrina, the Hornets had to relocate for this season to Oklahoma City. In Nagin's mind the Hornets vastly improved their record because they left the city. He considers the turnaround a slap in the face to the city of New Orleans. Keep in mind I am not kidding here. This link proves I'm telling the truth. How insane is this guy? I'm not sure Ray understands that his team drafted Chris Paul (in my eyes the rookie of the year). Paul has done amazing things in his first year in the league and the point guard position is probably the most important and influential position on the court. Everything runs through the point guard. So naturally your team will become better with a solid point guard (see New Jersey Nets and Phoenix Suns).

For all the non-sports fans out there, I'll make an analogy for you to help you better understand the level of dumbassery that Nagin is exuding. You and your friend are inseparable. You always hang out together playing xbox or having naked ticklefights (depending on your gender) and everything is pretty dandy. But one day your friend goes off to college and you stay in-state. You think everything will stay the same as it's always been except your friend meets a super hot girl at school and gains instant street cred. Now he's the BMOC getting invited to all the parties and basically doesn't have time for your loser ass. And it's not like he doesn't like you still, he's just become much cooler despite you. It's not your fault. You should be happy for him and bask in his awesomeness. Heck, even ride the coattails a little. But instead you freak out and tell him to go f**k himself. When he comes home for Christmas break you spike his beer with Maalox and when he's on the can for two and a half hours you chug some canola oil and projectile vomit all over him while he's on the throne knowing he can't get up. Then you go and key his car. Yea, that oughta show him.

The lesson, as always, is...I guess there really is no lesson. Except for if you live in New Orleans. Then I'd suggest getting a new mayor. You'll know you've picked the right one when you see the person without the paint chips around their mouth.