Once in a great while something so incredible happens that it just makes you say, "Holy testicle Tuesday!"...oorrr something to that effect. The tsunami last December, Bush getting re-elected, Good Charlotte selling a record. But last week something so incredible happened it made me both thank my lucky stars I'm not Amish and remember Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
You guessed it. I'm talking about how four Amish children were diagnosed with polio! Ding ding ding, tell them what they've won! A new wheelchair!!!
Hi, is this thing on? What the hell is going on here? Polio? You mean to tell me that a disease long since believed to be extinct from the entire western hemisphere has all of sudden infected four kids from Minnesota? How does this happen? I'm pretty sure I can figure out a flat tax that doesn't screw everyone but the rich before I accepted that notion as fact. I'd believe Jessica Simpson hasn't developed a coke problem before I accepted that. Polio! Wasn't that shit extinct in like the 30's? Instead of saying, "hey, that girl's got nice legs", should I be saying, "ya see, that dame's got sweet gams, eh"? How about we go steal a fifth from Johnny on the corner and head over to the speak easy on 15th street. That oughta be a peach!
It had to be the Amish too, huh? What other group of people in this country could you possibly believe to be the culprit in this? The Mexicans? No, no. They're not people. Er wait. That was wrong. I apologize, I love tacos.
Only the Amish (that I know of) refuse immunizations and regular medical attention. Well, them and the Christian Scientists but they're just insane. I mean, have you seen Tom Cruise lately? Point made.
I think it's safe to say that there is no reason to be uncivilized if you can afford it. If you have all the resources available to you to live in a civilized, healthy, normal lifestyle then you need to be doing it. At the very least, for safety's sake. We can't have motherf#%king polio coming back! What's next? The mumps? The measles? Rubella? Hell, I had to look the last one up!
Now you might come back at me with the whole "America is the home of the free. We are free to choose whatever religion we want bla bla bla..." And I won't disagree....until that decision starts jeopardizing the health of others. I'm not sure you know and I'm damn sure I don't know, but diseases spread and at which pace I haven't the foggiest. I'd rather not take a chance of some crazy disease that can possibly paralyze me infiltrating my country because you'd rather piss in a hole than a toilet like everyone else. Now I know i'm exaggerating here but you never know. The experts say that everyone outside of this Amish community is safe. Yea, probably. But you never know. All four kids were taken to a hospital (gasp!) to be treated and examined. A doctor or assistant could not screw a cap or something and who knows what kind of snowball effect could occur.
All I'm saying is, unless you're planning on exploiting the absurdity of the religion in the form of film with such stars as Woody Harrelson, Randy Quaid and Bill Murray (can't forget Vanessa Angel!), then there's no reason to be or act Amish. All the Amish people should be sent to Mongolia or something. There, I said it. Here comes the hatemail.
By the way, don't you love it when the Yankees have been eliminated from baseball? Five years now and counting!
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