Your Ticket To Hell

Have you ever said "I'd sell my soul..." as in "I'd sell my soul to be able to lick whipped cream off the hottie in the Burger King office commercials"? (Her name's Michelle Borth. I looked it up.) Obviously most of us (hopefully) are joking around when we say that. However some people love something so much that they actually mean it.

Sometimes there are things we want that we know we can't have. Like licking whipped cream off Michelle Borth or going 3 months without a Ben Stiller movie, albeit they're funny (usually), or more than 10% of radio music with an ounce of talent. Now there is a way. Of course, there's a price.

Do you know who this is: 666?

Yup, that's Satan! And now this lovable lord of the underworld will buy your soul from you for whatever your heart desires. No, I'm not kidding. In fact, someone has generously made this option a reality using the world wide web or internet as the kids call it. Don't believe me? Well, F%$k you then! Just kidding, go here. But seriously, F%$k you.

You know this website is for real when they're headline is "C'mon, do it! Everybody's doing it!"

The website explains how their new technology has expedited the process of selling your soul to Lucipher himself. Some of the more humorous explanations are these:

"In past decades, merely trying to sell one's soul was a prickly deal. Firstly, the complex technical knowledge of sorcery sufficient to elicit the attention of Satan has been so forbidding, that anyone capable of summoning the Devil had very little need to actually do so, being able to obtain virtually everything else via magic."

So wait a minute. You're telling me that all I really have to do is befriend David Blane and he could maybe like, ya know, give me an employee discount or something?! What's it to him, like 40%?? That's a fricken' steal!

The site then explains how intermediaries would leave Satan with little to work with:

"So little was left over for Satan himself, that the miracles being offered became progressively flimsier, until finally it took three entire souls and a goat sacrifice to afford a night of sex with Kathy Ireland."

I'd like to point out that Kathy Ireland hasn't been hot for 12 years. Once completing your introductory offer, you can tack on the bells and whistles. Make sure to check out their optional packages which include these lovely options:

- Tickets to the Annual International Black Mass and Satanic Orgy
- Membership to the Secret Vatican Council
- The Power of Mind Control

All this can be yours! And it only costs your soul. I mean, seriously. How much are you worth anyway? You could get wicked rich or have a harem of Angelina Jolies or the Fox broadcasting company! And honestly, how bad is Hell really? It can't be that bad. I'm sure Satan's too busy battling with Hitler to make time for all the other occupants. It'll be a walk in the park! Just bring your sunscreen. Oh and some Valtrex. There's a wicked case of herpes down there. Um...so I've heard.