Fool's Gold: American Asshole

33.5 million people watched the (4th) season premiere of American Idol on Tuesday. For those who are apart of that group, shame on you. Seriously, there are very few things I hate more than the idea this show exhibits. I'm fully aware there are some very talented people trying out on that show. But you know what? How about you sack up and work for it instead? Send out demo tapes, sell yourself, play shows, record a demo, etc. Earn an audience and if applicable, a record contract.

What has the world come to where random people can skip the "paying your dues" part of the music business by winning out on a game show judged by some English dickhead, Paula "I can't really sing but I can dance well which is why I got famous" Abdul, and Randy Jackson who has his head so far up his ass it's ridiculous. Randy was on Late Night with Conan O'Brien last night and first off, the dude was wearing turquoise gator skin boots. Then Conan asked why he said "dog" all the time. Apparently Randy's been saying it since he was in high school. It's good to know that a 48 year-old is hanging onto terms he used 30 years ago to make himself sound hip while simultaneously hanging onto his past. Helluva guy.

Anyway, this show sucks. I think I've made that fairly clear. But it's so painful to hear about people water-coolering about the show like it's the only thing going on in there lives. Firstly, your life is pretty sad if all you can talk about is this retarded show. Secondly, apparently some people that tried out for this season went on knowing they sucked just to see if they could become the next William Hung. It's these kind of people that make me want to punch walls.

So let's see...you are so overobsessed with the idea of being on TV and being famous that you try out for a show that undermines the music business (filtering) process hoping to repeat a fluke. Is that right? Wow, let me tell you, you have one hell of a life. You, sir, are a winner.

The reason why artists are famous is because they are agreed upon as having talent, enough so that many people enjoy their music, thusly becoming famous and successful, is because they've paid their dues and worked their way up. That's how it works, whether it's rock, rap, pop, funk, jazz, whatever. (Albeit, only the first three really get any kind of real national publicity as they are the ones that sell the most.) You have to work and earn the status of becoming an "idol". I don't care if the top 10 from each season are oozing with talent. That's great. You know what though? There thousands of outstanding singers in this world if not millions. Singing isn't that hard. There are many average people who can sing really well. There are many average people who can sing really well and have stage presence and desire to make a living off singing. But you know what else? Not all those people know how to make a song work. An original song. And the problem with American Idol (and with pop music in general, usually) is that these clowns can't write a song. They have no talent but to sing what's being written for them. And that's weak. How can you sing a song if it's not something you created? It's flat and numb and there's no feeling behind it. And if you think there is, then that singer is a damn good actor, too. Sign her up for the WB or something.

The great artists have something that strikes a popular appeal and has more than just normal talent. That's why they rise to the top. They have to learn how to write a song that is better than others'. Not so with pop music and subsequently, American Idol. Any jackass with a good voice and nice ass can get a record deal. Slap some hotshot's lyrics and another famous producer's beat down and poof, you've got a number one hit. Because the kiddies can sing and dance along to it. There's really not much the artist whose name is attached to it has done. Pop musicians are puppets. Little marionettes for the record companies to sell a product with.

American Idol is no different. Sure there are plenty of great singers out there. But can you sell them? This is what American Idol is all about. How can we expedite the process of finding a marketable face and voice while making a buck off that process instead of spending. It's a brilliant business idea. But it's f$%king bullshit.

Ever notice how there's no American Idol for rock groups? I know what you're going to say, "oh but what about the Battle for Ozzfest". I'm way ahead of you, assmaster. The difference between Battle for Ozzfest is that the steps of this contest show were different than American Idol. In Idol you had to sing a song on a stage and look good. On Battle you had to go on the road of Ozzfest and basically take a 10 week crash course in how to pay your dues. It was the whole learning/growing process a band would take but squished into 10 weeks. The band members were doing bitch work like cleaning buses and mopping up after bands and doing their laundry. They had to bite the head off a live bat to show how tough they are, or so they thought. They still thought they were which is all that matters. They were thrown up onstage with an already popular band on the Ozzfest stage and perform that band's song after having just one day to learn it. They had to write a two minute acoustic song in 24 hours and then perform it in front of metal legend Mr. Rob Halford of Judas Priest. I mean, Christ.

This is how you prepare and test someone. How will they handle the process and the pressure? They wouldn't have picked the 10 bands that were on the show if they were terrible musically. This is the difference. Yea there's pressure of singing in front of an audience and national television like on Idol, but so what? If you worked for your music goal the right way, all that stuff gets weeded out early on. Anyone that would get to such a stage where they'd be on national television would have mastered that kind of pressure already.

American Idol equals stupid bullshit to make some money. The people that love it are either really, really bored with their lives, like watching people fail (which can be funny), or really have no clue. And people wonder why Kelly Clarkson is the only one of the final six of the first three seasons (combined) that is still around. No Justin Guwerienieie or whatever his name is. No more Ruben "Oops, I just swallowed my fist" Studdard. Anyone heard from Fantasia? Exactly.

"But Clay Aiken had a fairly successful CD and he has a Christmas CD!"

Dude, Clay Aiken is a tool. And no one is buying his gay (literally) music. They probably play him every once in a while on the adult contemporary stations. He's not going anywhere.

And by the way, Kelly Clarkson, while being hot enough to pork, is starting to try too hard to be Avril Lavigne. You've got a great voice. Don't sell out.

American Idol sucks. Pop music sucks. People who seriously like both and believe both are full of talent, are morons. I know plenty of people that like pop music and concede it has little artistic value to it - that it's just fun to sing and dance to. That's fine I suppose...as long as you don't pay for it.

So I guess the rule for today is: if you want to listen to pop music, make sure you steal it and concede that it has little, if any, artistic value.

And once again, American Idol undermines the music business process and warps minds of millions of people that should otherwise be talking about how sweet Lindsay Lohan's sweatercows are. Thank you and goodnight.