Well it's been awhile (please don't start singing that song) and I finally found a reason to write another column. Nothing interesting seemed to happen at all last week but last night I stumbled upon an article on good old cnn.com in which President Bush's camp finally agreed to three debates. Well it's about goddamn time. Dubya had been putting it off for a while, for obvious reasons, and now the three scheduled debates are official. There will be 16 questions in 90 minutes.
The first one is to be held next week in the 305, in Canesville, USA. (Right now I must point out that Florida State sucks and Chris Rix likes putting long cylindrical objects in his mouth.) This debate will cover the foreign policy and homeland security issues that have been Bush's "strong points". Though I'm not exactly sure how they're his strong points considering anyone who blasts terrorism and hip-hip-hooray's Patriotism will get applause. He's never said anything that convinces me he knows what he's doing short of causing a trainwreck, or more appropriately, a carwreck in the Middle East. Everyone knows you need to go with your gut and go it alone sometimes in order to protect America. This is undoubtedly not one of them and John Kerry knows it. His only problem might be articulating it in this debate.
The second debate will be in Missouri and it will be a town-hall type gathering where there will be a slew of "soft" supporters of each side asking "anything" to the candidates. Not surprisingly this was the last debate Bush agreed upon. If I may divert you to this link of the president answering a simple question on CSpan a while back, you'll see why he's weary about this kind of forum. That video was brought to you by our good friends at eBaumsworld.com. All Kerry has to do to win this debate is be anything better than Gore's "uhhhh..I agraayy". Nuff said.
The third debate should already be a lock for Kerry - it's on domestic issues. He's got the secret weapon of John Edwards for this one whose father was a turd miner and whose grandfather was a goatball licker...um...wait. No, sorry. That was from The Daily Show. Nevertheless Edwards's story serves as a battering ram for Kerry on these issues and should easily win the country over considering Bush and Cheney have more ties to white collar, silver spoon upbringing than J. Lo's had husbands. Hmmm, no...that J. Lo thing sounds stale...Ok, I've got it. Yada, yada, yada...than Michael Jackson nosejobs. No. Yada, yada, yada...than amount of times Chris Rix got spit on upon his return to Tallahassee. Yea...yea, I like that one.
Be sure to check in next week for my review of the first debate as it will no doubt be hilarious. Whatever bounce those stupid Gallup polls gave Dubya should be gone fairly soon after these debates, especially the second one. Thinking on his feet is not exactly something Dubya is strong at. Now bike riding, there's something he's...oh nevermind.
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