Sarah Palin and the Hypocrisy Factory

I was wrong about Sarah Palin. She’s not an incompetent, redneck, evangelical, thuggish, condescending bitch.

Sarah Palin is an incompetent, redneck, evangelical, thuggish, condescending bitch of a grandmother.

Yea, sorry about that. I wasn’t specific enough before. Now I know what you’re going to say: “omg so hilarious. @THE_REAL_SHAQ you’re the best diezel!! lol”.

I know, you had to Twitter. But you’re also going to say, “jeez, way to bring up Sarah Palin. You liberals can’t leave her alone huh?”

Three things wrong with that statement. 1) She’s brought herself back into the spotlight. 2) I’m not liberal. And 3) I had to listen to her nonsense for two and a half months - I’m repaying the favor.

So where am I going with this? Simple - she couldn’t just leave well enough alone and get back to not seeing Russia from her house and not naming a newspaper she reads and shooting wolves from helicopters or whatever the governor of that godforsaken state supposedly does. She had to get involved, publicly mind you, with her daughter and baby’s daddy issues.

Ever since we learned Bristol was pregnant during the campaign and Sarah and the RNC rushed to include Levi in the family and get them engaged and put on that whole song and dance routine at the convention, we’ve never really heard anything from Bristol or Levi themselves. They were told to stay quiet and act like they had figured out love and wanted to get a jump start on starting a loving, responsible, American family earlier than most of us usually figure it out. It was an atrocity and a disgusting display of using your child as a political prop. Oh, and I’m talking about Bristol here. You might have thought I was talking about Trig since he was used as a prop as well - if you think otherwise you’re more delusional than Homer Simpson after he ate that Guatemalan Insanity Pepper.

Anyway, since the muzzles were taken off after the Election, we hadn’t heard from Bristol or Levi about their impending parenthood...until recently (and kudos to them for keeping it a non-public issue for as long as they did). Bristol spoke out against abstinence saying it wasn’t “realistic because we don’t live in the 19th Century, not even in Alaska” and that teenage girls just need to be smart and truly think about their actions and if they chose to have sex to use protection. Seems like an intelligent and responsible thing to say, right?

Wrong...well, according to her mom. The Lipstick Pitbull came out of nowhere, cut her daughter off and told the media Bristol is hopped up on Wasilla brand crystal meth and doesn’t know to go along with whatever mommy says....er I mean, Bristol meant to say that abstinence education is best way to educate teenagers about sex.

You can’t see me right now Mrs. Palin but I’m giving you the bird. He’s a rare Hyacinth Macaw and I’d like you to take good care of him while I go on vacation. His food is in the bottom drawer. Thaaaaannkss!

(Read: yes, I Googled “rare pet bird” to get that species.)

Maybe I should hire that blonde he-she from the internet to say this: LEEEAAVE BRISTOL ALOOONNEE!!!!

Give it up, Sarah. No one cares about you and you keep re-proving why you were a liability to Senator McCain’s campaign. Bristol has her own opinions and in America, we let everyone have one. And when her baby’s daddy, Levi Johnston, has an opinion about you (like he did on Tyra and Good Morning America) you don’t need to shout back like a teenage girl with hurt feelings. Leave well enough alone.

You’ve got plenty to do up there in Alaska like refusing Bailout money...and then taking it. And watching your extended family get put in jail for felony burglary and criminal trespass and theft.

Bristol may have made a mistake in telling Levi he could pull out and Levi may be a cocky asshole. But you know what? They’re teenagers! This is what they do.

Screwing and deviancy: that’s what teenagers do!

Get used to it, Sarah. Welcome to the real world - it’s been this way for a long time. Christ, look at yourself in the mirror! Your husband has a criminal record and he knocked you up five times! Who are you to speak about abstinence and responsibility!?

Here’s the deal, Sarah. You bring nothing to the table. Your own running mate from the Presidential Campaign doesn’t even, and won’t, support you for a 2012 bid. The only people that even remotely support you politically are the fringe nutjobs of the Republican party that believe the Bible is literally true (Yay talking snakes!) and are slowly rendering themselves politically irrelevant.

But even disregarding political views you seem to show your true personal colors the more you talk. No one’s been asking to hear from you and for good reason. Because you say dumb shit like this. Leave well enough alone.

The First Amendment lets your daughter speak her mind just as it lets you speak your mind. The difference, though, is that she speaks with a sense of modern reality in her voice. You speak like a political dinosaur hoping to cash in on her pseudo and fading fame. Enough, Sarah. You’re through.

Oh, and my friend Willy has something he’d like to say to you:

You get NOTHING. You lose! Good day, madam.