This Week In News: Lightning Round

I'm introducing a new segment to the site that will help to fill in the gaps between longer more fleshed out articles. It's called...well, just look at the damn title of this entry.

I'll will do quick blasts of a few of the latest headlines I've found while bored at my actual job. I will try to keep them politics-free as the main courses generally are politics heavy as I'm sure you've noticed.

So without further ado...

Britney's Mom Thought It Was a Joke

I know what you're thinking, "which joke are we referring to because her family has been spinning out of control in a whirlpool of bad decisions and idiocy for years now." Well, it's about Jamie-Lynn. Did you guess correctly?

Lynne Spears told Al Roker earlier today on, uh, The Today Show, that she found out Jamie-Lynn was pregnant when her youngest daughter handed her a written note. Lynne said, "I thought it was a joke...I kept waiting for the punch line."

Lynne, the punchline is your overall ineptitude at being a mother. Both your daughters have fallen into the dark, dangerous chasm of fame and now you're trying to profit off it with a book that only reveals how inept you were at handling both Britney and subsequently Jamie-Lynn's horrible decision making and fragile psyches. You screwed the pooch big time and now you're realizing it but figured you might as well make a buck off the fact that idiot America would rather read about the sordid details of your dysfunctional family than factcheck.org to realize when their presidential candidates are lying to them (ok, we got a tad political there).

Way to go Ms. Spears, you're not only a terrible mother but you're also a huge bitch for trying to profit off it. Your thinly veiled attempt to seek sympathy is pathetic. Send yourself and your daughters to group therapy and don't come out until your grandkids have been adopted by a foster family or when Britney gets hot again and accepts my offer to father her third child - whichever comes first (that's what she said). Thank you.

College Girl Auctions Her Virginity Away

I love America sometimes. A 22-year-old college student has decided she wants to auction off her virginity so that she can pay for college. What a great idea! In these tough economic times it's great to see that American ingenuity I've heard so much about. Some say it's prostitution. Some have ethical problems with it. Me? Dynamite idea.

Ebay told her she couldn't post her auction there (damn Ebay ethics) but the Moonlight Bunny Ranch just outside of Las Vegas gave her the thumbs up to run out of their offices. Hell, it must have been easy to get the ok since her sister is currently working there to pay off her own college debt.

What I really like though is that she's dreaming big. She hopes the auction will reach $1 million. That's really bold of her considering no hatchetwound on the planet is worth that much money. Not even Megan Fox...mmmmm, Megan Fox.

I think the Bunny Ranch's owner said it best when he said, "I think it's a tremendous idea. Why lose it to some guy in the backseat of a Toyota when you can pay for your education?" Yea, this guy apparently lost his virginity in the backseat of a Toyota and now he owns the Bunny Ranch! The American Dream is still alive!!!


TP Research Yields 3-Ply

Finally! My ass was gettin' torn up!

In college I used to rock the one-play because it was all I could afford. The rest of my funds went to my boozing and womanizing (you'd be surprised how much womanizing costs). Then when I moved to California two and a half years ago I decided I needed to step up to the two-play even if it cost me a little extra. I was sick of cornhole chaffing. I knew I would start to eat better in health-conscious southern California but I figured if I was putting good stuff in my body I should take care of where it comes out of my body.

Now that toilet paper researchers (what a great/gross job) have managed to invent three-ply (how did it take so long!? I'll make you 13-ply tomorrow!) I'm never going to have a dry parched starfish ever again. Quilted Northern, you complete me.