Valentines Love For the CPunchworld

So it's Thursday. Why do I have that something's-crawling-up-my-skin feeling? I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Oh right, it's Pitchers & Catchers Day!! That's right, pitchers and catchers report to spring training to start the very long Major League Baseball season. I wonder if Andy Pettitte will show up after admitting to using human growth hormones more than he originally stated! Maybe this will take some of the spotlight off of Roger Clemens, who, for my money, is as guilty as that cop who flipped over the paraplegic out of the wheelchair. "What? I thought it was fake HGH and wanted to prove a point." Suuure Rog, and Britney is mentally stable.

Wait, that's not it. What am I missing though? Roger Clemens' (accused) steroid and HGH use are pretty creepy and makes me lose some faith in baseball but that's not it. Uh oh...oh god, no.

Valentine's Day!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I'm going to guess the majority of us hate this holiday even if we follow the status quo (if we are, in fact, coupled up) and do the normal V-Day thing. (I wonder if February 15th is VD-Day. Would make sense.) You're "supposed" to go out to dinner and do something romantic for your girlfriend - usually something creative though. Because "everyone's" done the cheesy traditional flowers and candy thing to death. However, there's inevitably that year out of nowhere where she'll want the cheesy traditional V-Day and you're like WTF and she's like OMG. Christ, I think I've been hanging out on AOL's homepage for too long.

The point is, Valentine's Day, in this humble writer's opinion, is nothing more than an excuse to buy more crap no one needs including allergy inducing flowers and diabetes blocks known as chocolates. F**kin' Russel Stovers.

Being that I'm on an extended, uh, vacation we'll call it, I've no Valentine of my own (to which I'm not overly upset). Therefore I've decided to devote my full attention to something V-Day related from our highest love institution in America: MySpace.

I received a bulletin (if you don't know what this is, be glad) in which lied a survey. Survey bulletins have been all the rage on MySpace since its inception and I cannot deny that I have partaken in my fair share. I can honestly say I have not filled one out in a couple years now though so I have made peace with myself. This does not stop my friends from receiving and reposting survey bulletins though. And this is fine - they can do whatever makes them happy.

I rarely read any bulletins. The ones I do read are usually ones from closer friends and ones that generally seem like they could be interesting. My friend Alan posted a survey bulletin in which the title had to do with Valentine's Day. Knowing Alan as I do, I knew this had to be a short comedy piece. I was right. But this got me thinking. Why not repost this Valnetine's Day survey on my website? Why not answer the questions in that CPunch way? Well, I've thought it over and decided that doing so is so the bee's knees. Yea, that's right - I went there.

Without further ado, my 2008 Valentine's Day survey.

1. Are you single?
According to all known government agencies, yes. According to any supremely hot girls, yes. According to girls I find extremely annoying, no.

2. Chocolate or flowers?
How about doing a little research and finding out if she even likes either? Maybe she doesn't want that normal stuff. Maybe she's on a 3-month bender and wants a gram of Colombia's finest and a "fotey O-Z" of Schlitz. Who knows. Either way, make sure it screams [insert your girlfriend's name here].

3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day?
Does masterbate vigorously count? Ewww, I'm sorry. That joke was in poor taste. And I would know something about poor taste when it comes to masterbating. Oh god, I've...I've gotta...hey, look over there! Yoink!!

4.Do you like anyone?
I like tons of people! Do you mean do I like-like anyone? Because then I'd have to say yes. If I said no would you believe me? You'd either call me a liar or a homosexual. And though I am fond of the gays, I am not fond-fond of the gays.

6. What would be your dream Valentines date?
Whatever made my lady wet and got me some sweet action. What? I'm talking about water skiing. You people are sick.

7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines?
Now? I don't know. When I was in 4th grade, you better believe it. I Valentined the shit outta every girl in my class. They knew what was up.

8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
If they were secret how would I know about them? God, what a stupid question. Now, when it comes to unknown admirers I'm the mad note. I'm like Dick Tracy when it comes to finding them out. Hmm, maybe a dick joke was too easy.

9. Would you ever write someone a love letter?
If any guy says they haven't already done so in their lives they're lying. Unless they have major father issues and are completely emotionally repressed. That's not really supposed to be funny but hey, what are you gonna do? I'm pretty sure I wrote really sappy, really cliched letters to a girl or two when i was like 13 or 14. Maybe even younger. Nowadays finding the G-spot is just as relevant.

10. Do you believe in Cupid?
If he exists he's in prison somewhere. Shooting people with arrows, albeit love arrows, has got to be some sort of felony.

11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentines Day?
My mother does. Why, I have no idea. I thought Valentine's Day was supposed to be about relationship love, not family love. Two years ago she sent me a giant heart shaped pez dispenser that you can record a message into. Motherly cute? Maybe. Awkward and embarrasisng when opened in front of your male roommate? Un poquito.

12. Do you still send out Valentines cards?
Negatory. I do send out "Will you sleep me with out of pity and/or boredom? Check: yes, no, maybe." cards though.

15. Is Valentines Day depressing?
Only if I've run out of Jergens, Bounty, or both. And even still I'd just improvise with spit and my roommate's pillowcase...

16. How do you feel about PDA?
I don't need one - I have an iPhone.

17. How is your love life?
Why don't you ask the half dozen girl friends of mine that I'd like to sleep with that one! No seriously, that'd help me out a lot.

18. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines?
No. In fact, I've managed to stay girlfriend-free for all but one Valentines Day. It's like my offseason. If you can avoid Christmas and V-Day you save at least $500. I'm telling you, how do you think I can afford all those faberge eggs I have?

19. How many roses would you want?
Three. One long-stem and two short-stem. Hehehehehehe - I'm sentimental like that.

20. Will you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend next Valentines?
According to my schedule, no. But hey, if one of those half dozen girls you're supposed to question is feeling unloved I'm sure I can fill that listless void.

Ah, good times. Jokes are fun. But if I had to be serious for a moment I'd say this. Valentines Day is a forced holiday. Nevertheless, both parties are going to want to feel special in the eyes of their boyfriend/girlfriend so let's not keep this a completely female centric holiday. Guys like feeling loved too.

Here's the thing though. Screw the capitalism of it. There is no reason to spend X amount of dollars on this, that or the other just because you feel obligated or think that's what he/she wants. Ladies, you know your guys. Do something simple that shows you actually pay attention to his inane ramblings about wanting the ESPN Full Court cable package or tickets to see the live stage interpretation of "Point Break". It's as easy as that.

Now fellas, I do not intend to sound like I know what I'm talking about. I'm just saying what makes sense to me. If I were you, this is what I would do and keep in mind I do not know your girlfriend. The easiest thing you can do is listen to her. I know, I know. What a drag, right? How many times can you fake agree with her that Betsy Johnson makes the best shoes? Here's the deal. Actually make the effort for like a month or so leading up to V-Day. When you do that you'll uncover some gems about what to do on the 14th.

It's all about the Little Things, is it not? Because to both parties, though girls especially, knowing the Little Things means you're really listening to her and that's probably the biggest thing girls stress with guys. If I'm wrong about this I'll shut up right now. But as far as I can tell, if you realize the Little Things (that ironically are capitalized) you will think of the perfect way to show her you, in fact, do love her more than the wannabe model working at the Gap that always gives you the eye. If she's into spontaneity maybe tell her you're going to some run of the mill restaurant and then take her to her favorite beach with a bottle of wine and some tortellini carbonara (that she loves) that you figured out how to make. Simple right?

The thing is though, what I don't understand is, shouldn't all this stuff be normal anyway? The listening and the spontaneous trips and the cooked meals and the tickets to bad movies turned musicals and all the Little Things. Shouldn't this stuff, in theory, be done everyday you're together? Call me a sap but I mean, am I wrong here? Aren't the healthiest relationships the ones that even amidst all the modern day hustle and bustle find ways to do this stuff on a regular basis?

Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic that knows all the right things. But then again I'll be loving myself tonight. Just me and Jack Daniels gettin' all kinds of freaky naughty. Enjoy YOUR Valentines Day however you spend it.