Tom, Tom, He's Our Man - If He Can't Do It...

Boy do I love Tom Cruise.

No, seriously. The man is a never ending supply of comedic fodder. His beliefs and subsequent ramblings captured by video will never satiate my need for batshit philosophies of which to make fun. I'll retroactively disclaim this article by saying that if you are, in fact yourself, a Scientologist...well...uh, lord help you because I'm about to launch into some pretty negative prose here.

I'll at least say this - I really don't care what religion anyone is. I honestly don't. If you don't intrude on anyone else's life in anyway and keep your religious beliefs to yourself than what do I care? There are enough examples in this world to prove that my view on religion as a whole is the most logical. *cough 9/11 cough* I personally really couldn't care less about the idea of religion - I'm fairly agnostic as it were but that has no bearing on how I feel about anyone else...just so as long as they don't try and impose their views on me or anyone else especially in a negative and/or annoying way. I have my views and I respect everyone else's...that is, until you start spouting ridiculousness that only a licensed therapist should be forced to listen to. Case in point: Mr. Tom Cruise.

Not only does this guy think his religion is the only way to help anyone in any way of life out of any problem, but he truly believes that he himself is the best one to assume the position of lead helper. Don't believe me? Peep this video. (I dare you to watch the whole thing and not vomit a little in your mouth.)

(Go on. I'll wait.)

(Almost done?)

So, yeaaaaa. Right? Here's a quote that perfectly sums up the Scientologist approach as interpreted by Maverick, "When you're a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you're the only one who can really help... We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures."

You might be saying to yourself, "How can you really make a judgment on him? How do you know everything about the church of Scientology and what it has to offer?"

Here's my response, "A) Scientology is not a church. It is a cult designed to make money off of weak minded individuals based on the writings of a crappy science fiction writer in the 40's and 50's. 2) The book that Scientology is based on, Dianetics, is so asinine that authors in the science fiction genre that L. Ron Hubbard looked up to dismissed it saying it was "a lunatic revision of Freudian psychology" that "had the look of a wonderfully rewarding scam." Which, of course, it is. And D) Tom Cruise is short. No man listens to short people and no woman finds them attractive.

Ok, ok. That last part was a little mean but I just really wanted to fulfill the rest of that "Home Alone" parallel.

Have I not convinced you I know what I'm talking about when it comes to Scientology? Maybe this video will help.



Mighty funny right? Well, that's the truth people. You're saying to yourself, "This is just comedy. It's not the truth. They made that up to be funny."

Uh, nope. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are not only smart people but they also know that truth is stranger than fiction. There's a reason that the Scientology episode of South Park caused national media buzz. Not only does it make fun of John Travolta and Tom Cruise by saying they're "trapped in the closet" (that's an entirely separate article), but it simplifies the absolutely insane story that is Scientology.

And this brings me all the way back to my original point. That is, that I really love Tom Cruise. He has become so absolutely out of touch with the rest of humanity that one can only laugh and laugh at everything he does. Within that though, I feel for Katie Holmes and, of course, baby Suri (and lord knows if that's Tom's anyhow, right?). I'm defending Katie because she was a normal girl until being corrupted by Tom. Maybe one day she'll snap out of it. Who the hell knows but what I do know is that Katie Holmes is supremely gorgeous and as far as I can tell a very sweet person. And she and her daughter are the first in the line of Tom's fire.

What's funny to me and you is a sad, sad story to someone else. While we can all thank Tom for making us feel more sane than we sometimes come off as we can also feel really badly for the
people he's affecting. First Katie. Just recently Will Smith joined the club (don't know about Jada yet). And word on the street is they're now gunning for the Beckhams. Now this is when it gets personal. I'll be damned if I'm going to let Tom corrupt my favorite player on my favorite American soccer club.

It's kind of like eight years of President Bush. At first you tolerate his idiocy because it's so easy to make fun of but after a while the damage is too much and it just ain't worth the laughs. Let's try and be a little more pre-emptive on the Scientology front than we were on the terrorism front, eh?